monetary wealth ~ discernment

I think the Transfiguration is one of the clearest and best lessons on the gift of discernment .

That is being able to see & know people , situations & things for what they really are .

In the world world of abuse this holds extremely true . Did I ever need this lesson again for this past week has been a real struggle for me .

I like anyone else am often led into that denial , that illusion that the appearance of monetary gifts means one is doing well , leading a good , healthy & contented life .

It does not ! But in a secularist world we are led to believe because of ones wealth or supposed education they are somehow a good person and doing well. Well we all know that is beans !

It is a deception of false assumption .Our world is full of it .

I had really been struggling again with the issue of J , by all appearances her life appears fine . new land , a home , vehicles , nice shiny new things etc. maybe I was wrong ? I must be open to that fact .whenever I struggle with this issue of wrong regarding J he always pulls me through .

Because the facts are true even in denial truth is truth . She is very good at the art of deception like many who are remaining victims she was able to manipulate others in the poor me routine and had people even when in her darkest alcoholism believe all was well . making others feel guilty that if they did not help her get what she wanted they somehow did not love her and were not good friend , parent etc.

 This is no different , what else is new that people hide their pain behind money making a front an illusion that things are good when they are not .

 God had me see the truth again in the end her partner is still a pervert and covering up that her child chose to hide his pain in becoming  crack/ meth addict as a result of her actions is and always will be truth no matter how much she chooses to hide it and play pretend .

I saw once again that this is true people assume priest is holy because of position who really wants to acknowledge they are pedophile . the dentist who owns the porche , has a lovely lawn is your neighbour would you believe and acknowledge the signs hidden beneath ?

reality is probably not it takes great courage because the fact is we are more often left alone , shunned rather than see and acknowledge real truth !

How many would believe my word someone is a child rapist over playing pretend ? the answer is many many .

To believe without seeing , to listen to Him before given the worldly truth .

Most are the doubting Thomas most think they know truth but reality is most are to afraid of the real truth .

I wish with all my heart at times I did not know who is pedophile , have violence within our daily life via gangs drug dealers etc.

 how nice it would be but that is not reality .

I came to see that we will always experience victimization .It happens it is reality , we as humans hurt each other . It is not wrong to acknowledge we are victim it is a reality .

 What is wrong & extremely harmful to self & those around us is to remain in a victimized state .

It is up to us to deal with it , that we have choice to stay there and few ourselves this way or not .

When we decide to keep hiding choosing behaviours like buying pretty cars , drinking straying from dealing , we in fact are teaching our children how to choose poor coping skills to deal with pain , when we stray our children stray .This is why true & pure example is so very important to me .

We also hurt others who are friends and family by placing them in the role of enabler .We guilt & manipulate them into feeling they are not a loving person in our lives if they do not enable us in hiding our pain and they remain stuck in a cycle to keep the victim happy at all cost to their heart , mind & soul . It is very hard to see this in self and I am well aware most victims remain in this state it is a small few who see that behaviour and choose not to partake any more . emerging from denial into full truth .

 So after all was prayed upon , said , thought worked through after much hardship .I was given that gift of discernment once again . His Transfiguration pulling up through the smoke . Once again high on the mountain .

I see that monetary wealth can be used as an illusion by many to hide and see things for what they really are . In the end I give to Caesar what is Caesars and give Him what is important

Me ☺

amen

Healing with Journaling & Letter Writing

I'm planning to write about my grandmother's journals & letters and thought I'd also do a post here as journal & letter writing are also a healing tool in regards to harmful life experiences.

This is a healing tool that is very very beneficial to many people .However let me remind you that it like any tool is not always the right tool for every job .So if journaling / letter writing is not for you and you've found it does not help you , that is okay too . I once again want people to know there are many tools , steps , methods to healing . What I can say and will write about in another post is that no program that cares to help people will label you a failure if the method etc. does not help or work for you . If they do then move away from it .

Journaling is something I learned as a child and have always done . Writing is the best form of expression for me to get feelings out .I am not a talkative person , writing is my form of speech ☺

I have on occasion stopped writing due to abusive people reading my work without permission , using it to harm me afterwards etc.

I no longer felt that after our 2nd dd was born 25 yrs ago I began writing again .

Later in my work with DJM journaling is required so I began doing it everyday .I now have a day and night journal , along with countless blogs ☺

Journaling I think is for me what role playing is to some . I cannot stand role playing , it is like acting to me , playing pretend . I am just very uncomfortable with it . I think because I was forced to partake as a young youth by those who did not believe when I spoke of my abuse .

 Journaling is different . For me I can write exactly how I feel. I can then look at my feelings , the experience I've journaled about and my relationships etc. I can write it to express myself and get it out . Then I look at afterwards . I can see if my feelings are valid , how did I handle it , should handle it etc. Often in abuse experiences this seeing in the written form is even better then the memory . We can look at it slower . Go over it see the situation for what it was  and our abuser for who they are .See our role etc.

Letter writing I also do alot but in regards to abuse it was a therapist who had me write to my abusers . To express my feelings etc.

I find this really helps in inner child healing .

 I can write as the child who was hurt and re-read it as the adult I am now. This is the difference in reliving and re looking .

 we are not asked to not re look , review our past abuses . We are asked to not relive them because they are in fact not happening now . We are adults we are not children . we do have choice !

I wrote to my parents , my abuser . For them one letter was enough . In regards to one of my most harmful relationships , that lasted 28 yrs . I took 3-4 yrs of letter/journal writing to get over it. Grieving takes time especially when we've been hurt . Having a letter blog journal really helps. I keep it private to protect others but it is not secret those I love all my friends etc. know the harm & hurt that came and the time it takes to heal.

Most of all writing is my outlet to acknowledge what happened & what's happening now . It lets me be rational and look at my situation maturely .

For those who do not like to write there are other ways to journal as well, painting or drawing, recording your thoughts and story and replaying it so you can go over it .

start small , you can even just do it in point form and review it later .

I also now having my grandmothers journals know the value this may and will be to our children & grandchildren .

Again that legacy . If these journals and letters can help them heal , learn what to do and what not to do. my hard work is worth it ☺

True Defense ~ Pacifism with Pobby & Dingan

If You have not watched the movie Opal Dream or read the book Pobby & Dingan do it ! ☺

I had been meditating on being non threatening and true defense is always love

really this is one type of defense

I'm speaking of the defense ST.Therese, Mother Teresa & ST.Pio spoke of

 In the movie when asked what religion Pobby & Dingan were the answer was " Pacifists "

I loved it , I laughed and cried , even dh loved it !

as you know I've had to be very strong lately in using the power of No and shaking off my sandals.

It hurts and is very hard but my defense has got to be through love , my response has got be a No out of love not fear or hate .

I cannot respond to hate with hate . It is vital I do not do this and just acknowledge my pain and heal.

So today when I read The joy of Loving Daily reading I am reassured of my response .

Mother Teresa May 2nd

I appeal to you, young people -

you the hope of the country,

you the joy of the country,

bring joy with peace in our

homes, in our country,

and we will be

able to be the sunshine of

God's love in the whole world .

The Facts about abusive, ignorant fearful people

I actually wrote this as a note on fb but realized it also was a topic for my blog post .lol okay I lost another blogger/fb person for being to catholic .
again people are not here to please each other , we are here to be who we are , the real you & me nothing else . I've been really asked to deal with this issue lately , how to deal with and respond to those who are hatefelt & abusive. I had to say No yet again .
I realized again today that the topic of legacy & example once again become so very important to me.
We have got to remember that we are always teachers . That we are capable of passing on the unhealthy & healthy behaviours and habbits to our children .
 It is of the utmost importance to me to have children not be taught how to hate or respond in hate . So I asked myself the question " what type of teacher are you going to be ?" what shall my example and legacy be ?" Do I mess up ? do I regret choices yes I do . am I sorrowful for the sunful behaviours I have let others and worse our own children witness , yes !
      It is only through ownership and responding properly that healing can come , that fear ignornace etc. can leave .
Absue knows no boundries and is generational and only we can take the steps to stop it .
I've been reading this book by Charles Stanley . I love his talks and books . I know some people will not read anything by other Christians who are not catholic or secular people who will not read anything by a baptist.
I read from all types of inspirational people . I love Charles Stanley as much as I love Gandhi ☺
This book is so awesome awesome ! I'm going to write a bit on arrogance , jealousy and envy soon .
so yes I have had to deal with angry hatefelt people . They actually haven't a clue they are doing it because honestly they do not acknowldge any wrong choices or behaviours that have harmed others . when put in the position where ownership could take place , they infact use excuse as to why the behaviour was acceptable . Think a stubborn teenager head but 50 yrs old . Sorry there are very mature teens out there . I wish my children could have the holines I see in some . anyway I did say no . I can love from afar . I need not speak merely pray .
anway here is what I wrote about the facts of abuse and ignorance today

okay I've never been a conservative or voted for them but comparing Steven Harper to Hitler is insulting to those of us who work so hard in areas of abuse . it shows your ignorance when you speak a lie like that Hitler was a sociopath as was my abuser . steven harper is not a sociopath ! you may not like him nor the party policies but he feels that is what is best ,he may be very wrong , he may even be ignorant himself he is not purposely trying to harm people !

I feel the same way about that stupid youtube add about priestoff !
It is insulting to people who work so hard to bring down & break down stereotypes , such as all priests are sexual predators of children. It shows the ignorance and hate from those who made the video. ones religion , sex , race , status , education has nothing to do why they abuse ! people were abused by lay people , nuns , other students in the catholic schools and churches . did people choose to hide that abuse ? yes , did they even write policies to hide abusers , yes . was it wrong ? yes. what family has not chosen to hide abuse ? what instituation has not chosen to hide abuse ?
if you were told right now the person you loved most in your family , or your best friend is a child rapist , will you beleive ?
the answer would probably be no ! how many people did not believe abuse happened ?
For those who have been there and lived it all we work so very hard to bring down the walls of fear , so please when you see hate felt ignorant videos , please respond by telling them it is offensive & why .
Honestly if people want to focus on just the catholic church and abuse there were very influencial pagan cultures which felt sex with children was okay ! just because everyone did , does that make it okay ? people who think any religion , culture etc. was wonderful and loving la de da land before christianity came is a fool . celts beheaded enemies, northamerican tribes had pasive peoples and some very dominent tribes who took slaves , stole from others etc. the romans at the colloseum for heavens sake ! watching people be torn apart by tigers is not passive or loving activity !I've known one sociopathic cult leader who is a horrid sexual predator he is still doing this , what else is new . He is not Christian ! if he were would that be why he abuses ? of course not !
abuse is behaviour which is taught and learned ! it is passed on from generation to generation , It is up to us to learn and educate to stop that abuse .



where did christians learn to burn people at the stake anyway ? pagans ! so what have we learned ? abusive people burn other people on the stake ! what else have we learned ? it is wrong to rape children , burn people on the stake and wrong to be harmful to ourselves & others !



I just have trouble tolerating ignorance , I understand it but it is often difficult to tolerate especially when it involves hate of any kind !

Speaking up with ST.Catherine of Siena

i just absolutely love this picture of ST.Catherine of Siena

To be honest I'd not known or heard much of anything about this beautiful saint . As I read her story in my saint book today after the daily mass readings I knew she is another soul sister , anam cara ☺

I prayed to day if I should speak up about Fr.C ? or just continue to pray for him .

The readings are all about our testimony and witnessing . Like Fr.C I also have a story to share for His purpose.

I've always not really liked his style and how he speaks . Remember however like is not love , we are to have love for ALL ! I do have a deep love for this man clearly . as I also have been praying now for him for over two yrs .not for his ministry but because I could see his fall coming .

I know people wish to or feel if we ever say something supposedly that shows a priests faults we are bad . well no , actually that is the actual behaviour which helped abuse keep going & hidden  .

 My friends of course know that often my forewarning can seem harsh . It will sound harsh but is not mean nor is it out of mean spirit .

lol when I read ST.Catherine's bio she was known to have spoken to bishops etc. quite harshly and would not tolerate abusive behaviour . ! You know me I will in no way sugar coat the pope , a priest or a tiny mouse for that matter .

Did you know that Mother Teresa told priests off ! lol yes she did .

I am not telling priests off nor pointing out the sin of Fr.C

I just knew he was going to fall , like Mel Gibson and others .

What annoys me is not Fr.C falling , it is the response to his falling !

People are enabling him & encouraging him not supporting him !

 Okay he had to fall just like all of us , a priest is no different , his fall was a big one , why ? his ego is ginormous ! thats right !

I am not even saying the allegations about him are true as I personally have doubt .It is not the how he fell that is importnat , it is the why .

Fr. C in no way needs to be enabled of excuses to justify his behaviour people !

God allowed his fall as he allows it for all of us. Now it is up to Fr.C to be quiet with the Lord . To take time to remain small .

Will he return to speaking ?

well honestly probably . should he return to speaking , probably not .

 However we have to have hope .

I'm praying he will get help and pray for others who need help . I do wish he would stop speaking about abuse etc. and get some good education about it then help victims especially children . I think working with children is very humbling work because there really is no room for ego .

I am not knew to seeing the many follow and the few stay behind .either.

 No I had the chance to follow a very good priest , however the road and trip he was on was a puffed up ego boosted trip .

 I was blessed to be far enough in my formation to know to pray , and even though I have a great love for this person I knew I do not go follow or join anyone be they priest or housewife if it is not good with God.

 It was not !

God wanted me to stay right here , focus on the Eucharist and help those few who did not follow the many . The few who are ever so close to Him and are not lost but found ☺

Tiny little souls are we who shall remain small ;-)

 I know the why people want attention , priests are no different then we are , some have suffered abuse , some have come from broken homes, some have been or are alcoholic . Some seek attention and the focus of many , it is hard for a priest like that not to get puffed up. It takes a very holy person to be heard by the many and remain small .

So Fr. C needs our prayers nothing else while he spends his time with God and his spiritual director .

Do not encourage or enable any longer .

I like to give the example of Mel . My dh says why should I pray for Mel ? he is not deserving or worthy of my prayers . Also he probably has thousands of catholics praying for him .

My answer is God told me to several yrs before his movie the Passion boosted his ego to high heavens .

No I saw his fall. I knew of course his ego was big , what person in their right mind believes they should have their own personal church ?

Okay I have always said the bigger the ego the bigger the fall.

 I began to pray right away he would heal from his abuse as a child. Yes he had an abusive father ! I've no idea if he suffered sexual abuse ever but it is known he came from a rough household. You can see it in the way he talks of women etc.

Then of course a few yrs pass his wonderful movie comes out . Mel the great catholic etc. This was exactly not what he needed ! He should've been in therapy long before making that movie . should he have made the movie no ! why ? because no matter how many souls came to it his was not healed . he was doing things he should not have been doing . so he fell. did he learn ? well some have to fall many times .

again we cannot help others until we have worked on our selves and our family etc. God does not ask us to go out and save the world with Him when we are not saved !

am I harsh ? yes ? does it mean I don't question and know right from wrong and speak when need be . no.

 Children do question . God loves His children to ask questions .

God loves us to ask .

 He also loves us to listen and hear His answer ;-)

many so called talking for God people , are not. Why ? Because they forgot about the listening quiet time part .

We are all guilty of this.

 It is no different if a homemaker feels they know all of God and push and boss and bully their children or if it is a priest who wishes to stand up in front of thousands and be bossy , pushy and bully.

Fr.C claimed he knows what is best . he knows more than you or I . really ?

is he sure about that ?

remember when God sent Samuel to anoint David . he was the small one remember , a Sheppard .

 Who on earth are we to say who is closer to God etc. what if there is one of God's little ones sitting in that crowd  Fr.C is assuming he knows more than .

Anyway I know I believe God is the one we always need check and verify with because it is He who knows best and I don't make assumption anymore about who is closer to Him or not . I just pray when I see people hurting , going to fall etc.

I do like to speak up every now and then but really I am not very vocal aside from writing of course.

I know I suffer from wanting attention too .I know there is a difference between arrogance & self confidence .

 I know I am very guilty of wanting credit for what I've done , which actually is really just Him working through me. I can be very selfish and my ego get very grand indeed .

 I need to remain small and itty bitty , not in a bad way but in a way that He shall shine , He shall be seen from the mountain top . I need to be small so God can be big as He is ☺

amen

 I also love love this picture of ST.Catherine . She just appears so peaceful , so contented .

What a beautiful saint

abuse has no boundries , I do !

this once again has been a really hard season of putting up boundries and remembering that saying no to abuse hatfelt behaviour is okay !
Letting go & saying goodbye is okay too ☺
I used to have no boundries what so ever . I had a false trust that everyone was to be trusted especially those in position of authority , with money but not even just people with the role of leader etc.
This came from every therapist I saw as a child telling me I was a problem and there was nothing wrong with our family and especially not my father !
when you are told anything over and over again you believe it. so I actually beleived in a twisted way the man who raped me and countless other children was just fine . all my abuse sent to my subconscious . Many victims of abuse have repressed memory , as children we cannot psycologically process and analize why the abuse is occurring so we store it away . I beleive it is stored so we can deal with it when in a save and healthy place however many of us then took on unhealthy things to keep those memories repressed . repression is a reaction to triggers too not just the abuse itself .
anyway when I began to no longer be fearful because of abuse of children around me I began to slwly remember my own abuse . It was very intense at first the dreams , flashbacks , memory but I just felt and knew I was ready , there was a reason my brain was releasing the stored memories and it was time to deal. I had a great trust so therefore had no fear .
  As soon as I said that first No to the abuser , my boundries began to be put in place . I gradually learned my tolerance , what was okay , the risks I was willing to take to protect children .
Yes that meant saying no to relationships within my own so called family and friends , who now of course I know were not friendships merely enabling relationships that kept people stuck.
 It was surprising to me how many people I had let in my life who needed me to be weak , meek and supposedly stupid so they in fact could be built up and often be a bully . Now I am small for no one but God and it is in a positve way so that my ego does not get puffed up ☺
I realized some people I am not placed in their life to be a buddy or a friend I am here to guide and councel. Many of those friends wished me to enable them in remaining victim or bully. I just cannot do it.
 So many people become a part of a group to be cool and accepted and begin shunning others and mocking others etc. I could not tolerate abuse from a sexual offender and I do not tolerate abuse from the cool bully either ☺
Saying no and goodbye is very hard in those rel;ationships where enabling has been mistaken for love . we feel we are being a mean or bad friend , sibling , daughter etc. we are not , we are actually learning what true love is and true love includes "no" !
I have had people who are healthy have to walk away from me at times it is the best thing they could do for me ! I've heard recovered alcoholics say it was the best gift a freind ever gave them was to say no .
I can say the more I say no to abusive relationships the more the healthy ones return . God will not have you say no in order to isolate us the rest of our lives lol
I did however over lent have the question put to me , if saying no means you will have to stand alone in courage can you do it . My answer is yes, because reality is I've done it before so each time it is not quite to heart wrenching ☺
 So once again I've said no to these things which have kept me stuck and more often then not it is relationships that have been very harmful. I have had also do not forget that to see my part in it ! I made a choice to stay and enable peoples behaviopur , to appear meek and pathetic etc. then when I am my true self of course those people are not happy ! I mean where did the Rox go that would support my victim role and help me keep justifying my hate for others and be a bully . I am just as guilty as they , yet by my ownership I am not needing to stay stuck . Yes they are still stuck , so like I said I pray for them and love them from afar ☺

Living & Sharing your religion

I am well aware some family & friends do get annoyed my writing tends to always be regarding my spiritual & catholic culture .

we all have little things about us that annory each other and , indeed are loving , forgiving & accepting of those annoyances . for we know that who we are .

I have also dealt with out right persecution and the hatefelt heart again . We all encounter this no matter what our religion, culture , economic status , or sexual orientation may be .

What I wish to point out is the very big difference !

I and many I love and follow thier blogs try our best to live and share how we heal , how we work , how we indeed live with our religion

I am well aware thier are people who are not catholic who wish to heal without relious means .

I get that I just share what and how it has worked for me in my life , that is it .

I share to show how it works in my personal life or show how it also works in another catholic persons life .

we follow blogs of all religions , I love religion and love learning and I love sharing .

 Now the difference is people who hate just because , and I will write in another post about dealing with these people who are in fact abusive .

right now I just wish to point out how there is a difference between hateful judgement and just sharing what we know and what has worked for us .

Hating the catholic church just because , hating a muslim just because I have no room in my life for that .

I've had to say goodbye to those who make that choice to do so and stay in that state .

Of course I know the why they are there and making that choice , it does not mean I need to continue to enable them in thinking thier hate is justified .

tolerance does not mean we put up with abusive behaviour .

I am very much trying to be a pacifist and my defence is always to me non threatening and not pushy or bossy .

Yes I do stand up to say when something is unjust but I try to speak it calmly and not forceful

I am not to be here to convince others , merely to share and what people do with it is thier business.

There is a difference in beleiving we are right and just speaking what is true too.

I more than anything need to know and be able to admit I am wrong .

 People who are hatefelt will never own or see thier part. They will always rationalize the why they are jusified in thier hate .

They also get more hatefelt the more they see the light in You and those you touch .

If I have been hatefelt or judging I want to know , I need to own and admit my prejugdice ( we all , every single person have them ) and then I can work on them. when we pretend we are so accepting of all it is a lie , and eventually shows up in agression and hate towards others , just because.

 so yes I had to deal with hating catholics just because , out of ignorance and fear .

It was hard because I am catholic , so to be lumped in that we are all evel , bad etc. hurt . yes I know it is not personal attack but my children are present when these statements are made , and the children of these people are present , that hate towards men , catholics , people who eat suckers for all I know gets past on to thier children !

I wish to teach our children #1 we all , every single person make bad choices , the pope , you , & me . we all do it .

next I wish to teach them to have understanding , acceptance and more importantly emapthy .

 now empathy does not mean I put up with that hate . no especially when children are involved I weill not take part and I will stop contact . These people tend to draw each other in and support each other , bullies love bullies , just as alcoholics love alcoholics . They sit and have an arrogant cynical mocking of others the laughter is arrogance and repulsive instaed of a joyous laughter with others .

So I chose to love from afar I just cannot be apart of that hate , which I know is really pain & fear in disquise .

You see this is how good my religion is for me .

I never would have been able to see all this , to say no to abuse , to own my own poor choices and move on and take steps to help those I have hurt  etc. you are truly living your religion be you christian , hindu , muslim etc. if you are humble enough to work on your faults and help others .

 That is living my religion and I hope I do well in the sharing dept.

below are some blogs I like just for who they are

Cherished Hearts at Home  this is my friend Gae's blog , she is a wonderful catholic Mum , she writes and she never , I mean never critizizes people of her own religion or of other religions ever never .you will just find how she lives her religion

Bringing up Salamanders is a wiccan Mum's blog I read because she and I SHARE A LOT OF THE SAME INTERESTS IN HANDI CRAFTS LIKE EMBROIDERY STICHING . oops sorry for caps . she is not a wiccan to be a victim as I can see and she does not christian bash and is not a man hater . you will not find hate towards others and thier religion she just shares once again how she lives her religion

My Beautiful Muslim Life   this blog is new to me , I've only read a few posts but so far I've not found anything hatefelt and she definately shares how she lives her religion so I can learn about the true muslim faith .

I of course follow many many blogs ( yes I follow 300 blogs lol ) from people of all religions because we all share similar interests I just cannot list them all .