Garabandal Protection in the Pines

monetary wealth ~ discernment

2011-08-06T08:11:00.001-07:00

I think the Transfiguration is one of the clearest and best lessons on the gift of discernment .

That is being able to see & know people , situations & things for what they really are .

In the world world of abuse this holds extremely true . Did I ever need this lesson again for this past week has been a real struggle for me .

I like anyone else am often led into that denial , that illusion that the appearance of monetary gifts means one is doing well , leading a good , healthy & contented life .

It does not ! But in a secularist world we are led to believe because of ones wealth or supposed education they are somehow a good person and doing well. Well we all know that is beans !

It is a deception of false assumption .Our world is full of it .

I had really been struggling again with the issue of J , by all appearances her life appears fine . new land , a home , vehicles , nice shiny new things etc. maybe I was wrong ? I must be open to that fact .whenever I struggle with this issue of wrong regarding J he always pulls me through .

Because the facts are true even in denial truth is truth . She is very good at the art of deception like many who are remaining victims she was able to manipulate others in the poor me routine and had people even when in her darkest alcoholism believe all was well . making others feel guilty that if they did not help her get what she wanted they somehow did not love her and were not good friend , parent etc.

This is no different , what else is new that people hide their pain behind money making a front an illusion that things are good when they are not .

God had me see the truth again in the end her partner is still a pervert and covering up that her child chose to hide his pain in becoming crack/ meth addict as a result of her actions is and always will be truth no matter how much she chooses to hide it and play pretend .

I saw once again that this is true people assume priest is holy because of position who really wants to acknowledge they are pedophile . the dentist who owns the porche , has a lovely lawn is your neighbour would you believe and acknowledge the signs hidden beneath ?

reality is probably not it takes great courage because the fact is we are more often left alone , shunned rather than see and acknowledge real truth !

How many would believe my word someone is a child rapist over playing pretend ? the answer is many many .

To believe without seeing , to listen to Him before given the worldly truth .

Most are the doubting Thomas most think they know truth but reality is most are to afraid of the real truth .

I wish with all my heart at times I did not know who is pedophile , have violence within our daily life via gangs drug dealers etc.

how nice it would be but that is not reality .

I came to see that we will always experience victimization .It happens it is reality , we as humans hurt each other . It is not wrong to acknowledge we are victim it is a reality .

What is wrong & extremely harmful to self & those around us is to remain in a victimized state .

It is up to us to deal with it , that we have choice to stay there and few ourselves this way or not .

When we decide to keep hiding choosing behaviours like buying pretty cars , drinking straying from dealing , we in fact are teaching our children how to choose poor coping skills to deal with pain , when we stray our children stray .This is why true & pure example is so very important to me .

We also hurt others who are friends and family by placing them in the role of enabler .We guilt & manipulate them into feeling they are not a loving person in our lives if they do not enable us in hiding our pain and they remain stuck in a cycle to keep the victim happy at all cost to their heart , mind & soul . It is very hard to see this in self and I am well aware most victims remain in this state it is a small few who see that behaviour and choose not to partake any more . emerging from denial into full truth .

So after all was prayed upon , said , thought worked through after much hardship .I was given that gift of discernment once again . His Transfiguration pulling up through the smoke . Once again high on the mountain .

I see that monetary wealth can be used as an illusion by many to hide and see things for what they really are . In the end I give to Caesar what is Caesars and give Him what is important

Me ☺

amen

Healing with Journaling & Letter Writing

2011-05-18T14:28:00.000-07:00

I'm planning to write about my grandmother's journals & letters and thought I'd also do a post here as journal & letter writing are also a healing tool in regards to harmful life experiences.

This is a healing tool that is very very beneficial to many people .However let me remind you that it like any tool is not always the right tool for every job .So if journaling / letter writing is not for you and you've found it does not help you , that is okay too . I once again want people to know there are many tools , steps , methods to healing . What I can say and will write about in another post is that no program that cares to help people will label you a failure if the method etc. does not help or work for you . If they do then move away from it .

Journaling is something I learned as a child and have always done . Writing is the best form of expression for me to get feelings out .I am not a talkative person , writing is my form of speech ☺

I have on occasion stopped writing due to abusive people reading my work without permission , using it to harm me afterwards etc.

I no longer felt that after our 2nd dd was born 25 yrs ago I began writing again .

Later in my work with DJM journaling is required so I began doing it everyday .I now have a day and night journal , along with countless blogs ☺

Journaling I think is for me what role playing is to some . I cannot stand role playing , it is like acting to me , playing pretend . I am just very uncomfortable with it . I think because I was forced to partake as a young youth by those who did not believe when I spoke of my abuse .

Journaling is different . For me I can write exactly how I feel. I can then look at my feelings , the experience I've journaled about and my relationships etc. I can write it to express myself and get it out . Then I look at afterwards . I can see if my feelings are valid , how did I handle it , should handle it etc. Often in abuse experiences this seeing in the written form is even better then the memory . We can look at it slower . Go over it see the situation for what it was and our abuser for who they are .See our role etc.

Letter writing I also do alot but in regards to abuse it was a therapist who had me write to my abusers . To express my feelings etc.

I find this really helps in inner child healing .

I can write as the child who was hurt and re-read it as the adult I am now. This is the difference in reliving and re looking .

we are not asked to not re look , review our past abuses . We are asked to not relive them because they are in fact not happening now . We are adults we are not children . we do have choice !

I wrote to my parents , my abuser . For them one letter was enough . In regards to one of my most harmful relationships , that lasted 28 yrs . I took 3-4 yrs of letter/journal writing to get over it. Grieving takes time especially when we've been hurt . Having a letter blog journal really helps. I keep it private to protect others but it is not secret those I love all my friends etc. know the harm & hurt that came and the time it takes to heal.

Most of all writing is my outlet to acknowledge what happened & what's happening now . It lets me be rational and look at my situation maturely .

For those who do not like to write there are other ways to journal as well, painting or drawing, recording your thoughts and story and replaying it so you can go over it .

start small , you can even just do it in point form and review it later .

I also now having my grandmothers journals know the value this may and will be to our children & grandchildren .

Again that legacy . If these journals and letters can help them heal , learn what to do and what not to do. my hard work is worth it ☺

True Defense ~ Pacifism with Pobby & Dingan

2011-05-02T08:42:00.000-07:00

If You have not watched the movie Opal Dream or read the book Pobby & Dingan do it ! ☺

I had been meditating on being non threatening and true defense is always love

really this is one type of defense

I'm speaking of the defense ST.Therese, Mother Teresa & ST.Pio spoke of

In the movie when asked what religion Pobby & Dingan were the answer was " Pacifists "

I loved it , I laughed and cried , even dh loved it !

as you know I've had to be very strong lately in using the power of No and shaking off my sandals.

It hurts and is very hard but my defense has got to be through love , my response has got be a No out of love not fear or hate .

I cannot respond to hate with hate . It is vital I do not do this and just acknowledge my pain and heal.

So today when I read The joy of Loving Daily reading I am reassured of my response .

Mother Teresa May 2nd

I appeal to you, young people -

you the hope of the country,

you the joy of the country,

bring joy with peace in our

homes, in our country,

and we will be

able to be the sunshine of

God's love in the whole world .

The Facts about abusive, ignorant fearful people

2011-04-29T18:16:00.000-07:00

I actually wrote this as a note on fb but realized it also was a topic for my blog post .lol okay I lost another blogger/fb person for being to catholic .
again people are not here to please each other , we are here to be who we are , the real you & me nothing else . I've been really asked to deal with this issue lately , how to deal with and respond to those who are hatefelt & abusive. I had to say No yet again .
I realized again today that the topic of legacy & example once again become so very important to me.
We have got to remember that we are always teachers . That we are capable of passing on the unhealthy & healthy behaviours and habbits to our children .
It is of the utmost importance to me to have children not be taught how to hate or respond in hate . So I asked myself the question " what type of teacher are you going to be ?" what shall my example and legacy be ?" Do I mess up ? do I regret choices yes I do . am I sorrowful for the sunful behaviours I have let others and worse our own children witness , yes !
It is only through ownership and responding properly that healing can come , that fear ignornace etc. can leave .
Absue knows no boundries and is generational and only we can take the steps to stop it .
I've been reading this book by Charles Stanley . I love his talks and books . I know some people will not read anything by other Christians who are not catholic or secular people who will not read anything by a baptist.
I read from all types of inspirational people . I love Charles Stanley as much as I love Gandhi ☺
This book is so awesome awesome ! I'm going to write a bit on arrogance , jealousy and envy soon .
so yes I have had to deal with angry hatefelt people . They actually haven't a clue they are doing it because honestly they do not acknowldge any wrong choices or behaviours that have harmed others . when put in the position where ownership could take place , they infact use excuse as to why the behaviour was acceptable . Think a stubborn teenager head but 50 yrs old . Sorry there are very mature teens out there . I wish my children could have the holines I see in some . anyway I did say no . I can love from afar . I need not speak merely pray .
anway here is what I wrote about the facts of abuse and ignorance today

okay I've never been a conservative or voted for them but comparing Steven Harper to Hitler is insulting to those of us who work so hard in areas of abuse . it shows your ignorance when you speak a lie like that Hitler was a sociopath as was my abuser . steven harper is not a sociopath ! you may not like him nor the party policies but he feels that is what is best ,he may be very wrong , he may even be ignorant himself he is not purposely trying to harm people !

I feel the same way about that stupid youtube add about priestoff !
It is insulting to people who work so hard to bring down & break down stereotypes , such as all priests are sexual predators of children. It shows the ignorance and hate from those who made the video. ones religion , sex , race , status , education has nothing to do why they abuse ! people were abused by lay people , nuns , other students in the catholic schools and churches . did people choose to hide that abuse ? yes , did they even write policies to hide abusers , yes . was it wrong ? yes. what family has not chosen to hide abuse ? what instituation has not chosen to hide abuse ?
if you were told right now the person you loved most in your family , or your best friend is a child rapist , will you beleive ?
the answer would probably be no ! how many people did not believe abuse happened ?
For those who have been there and lived it all we work so very hard to bring down the walls of fear , so please when you see hate felt ignorant videos , please respond by telling them it is offensive & why .
Honestly if people want to focus on just the catholic church and abuse there were very influencial pagan cultures which felt sex with children was okay ! just because everyone did , does that make it okay ? people who think any religion , culture etc. was wonderful and loving la de da land before christianity came is a fool . celts beheaded enemies, northamerican tribes had pasive peoples and some very dominent tribes who took slaves , stole from others etc. the romans at the colloseum for heavens sake ! watching people be torn apart by tigers is not passive or loving activity !I've known one sociopathic cult leader who is a horrid sexual predator he is still doing this , what else is new . He is not Christian ! if he were would that be why he abuses ? of course not !
abuse is behaviour which is taught and learned ! it is passed on from generation to generation , It is up to us to learn and educate to stop that abuse .

where did christians learn to burn people at the stake anyway ? pagans ! so what have we learned ? abusive people burn other people on the stake ! what else have we learned ? it is wrong to rape children , burn people on the stake and wrong to be harmful to ourselves & others !

I just have trouble tolerating ignorance , I understand it but it is often difficult to tolerate especially when it involves hate of any kind !

Speaking up with ST.Catherine of Siena

2011-04-29T16:10:00.000-07:00

i just absolutely love this picture of ST.Catherine of Siena

To be honest I'd not known or heard much of anything about this beautiful saint . As I read her story in my saint book today after the daily mass readings I knew she is another soul sister , anam cara ☺

I prayed to day if I should speak up about Fr.C ? or just continue to pray for him .

The readings are all about our testimony and witnessing . Like Fr.C I also have a story to share for His purpose.

I've always not really liked his style and how he speaks . Remember however like is not love , we are to have love for ALL ! I do have a deep love for this man clearly . as I also have been praying now for him for over two yrs .not for his ministry but because I could see his fall coming .

I know people wish to or feel if we ever say something supposedly that shows a priests faults we are bad . well no , actually that is the actual behaviour which helped abuse keep going & hidden .

My friends of course know that often my forewarning can seem harsh . It will sound harsh but is not mean nor is it out of mean spirit .

lol when I read ST.Catherine's bio she was known to have spoken to bishops etc. quite harshly and would not tolerate abusive behaviour . ! You know me I will in no way sugar coat the pope , a priest or a tiny mouse for that matter .

Did you know that Mother Teresa told priests off ! lol yes she did .

I am not telling priests off nor pointing out the sin of Fr.C

I just knew he was going to fall , like Mel Gibson and others .

What annoys me is not Fr.C falling , it is the response to his falling !

People are enabling him & encouraging him not supporting him !

Okay he had to fall just like all of us , a priest is no different , his fall was a big one , why ? his ego is ginormous ! thats right !

I am not even saying the allegations about him are true as I personally have doubt .It is not the how he fell that is importnat , it is the why .

Fr. C in no way needs to be enabled of excuses to justify his behaviour people !

God allowed his fall as he allows it for all of us. Now it is up to Fr.C to be quiet with the Lord . To take time to remain small .

Will he return to speaking ?

well honestly probably . should he return to speaking , probably not .

However we have to have hope .

I'm praying he will get help and pray for others who need help . I do wish he would stop speaking about abuse etc. and get some good education about it then help victims especially children . I think working with children is very humbling work because there really is no room for ego .

I am not knew to seeing the many follow and the few stay behind .either.

No I had the chance to follow a very good priest , however the road and trip he was on was a puffed up ego boosted trip .

I was blessed to be far enough in my formation to know to pray , and even though I have a great love for this person I knew I do not go follow or join anyone be they priest or housewife if it is not good with God.

It was not !

God wanted me to stay right here , focus on the Eucharist and help those few who did not follow the many . The few who are ever so close to Him and are not lost but found ☺

Tiny little souls are we who shall remain small ;-)

I know the why people want attention , priests are no different then we are , some have suffered abuse , some have come from broken homes, some have been or are alcoholic . Some seek attention and the focus of many , it is hard for a priest like that not to get puffed up. It takes a very holy person to be heard by the many and remain small .

So Fr. C needs our prayers nothing else while he spends his time with God and his spiritual director .

Do not encourage or enable any longer .

I like to give the example of Mel . My dh says why should I pray for Mel ? he is not deserving or worthy of my prayers . Also he probably has thousands of catholics praying for him .

My answer is God told me to several yrs before his movie the Passion boosted his ego to high heavens .

No I saw his fall. I knew of course his ego was big , what person in their right mind believes they should have their own personal church ?

Okay I have always said the bigger the ego the bigger the fall.

I began to pray right away he would heal from his abuse as a child. Yes he had an abusive father ! I've no idea if he suffered sexual abuse ever but it is known he came from a rough household. You can see it in the way he talks of women etc.

Then of course a few yrs pass his wonderful movie comes out . Mel the great catholic etc. This was exactly not what he needed ! He should've been in therapy long before making that movie . should he have made the movie no ! why ? because no matter how many souls came to it his was not healed . he was doing things he should not have been doing . so he fell. did he learn ? well some have to fall many times .

again we cannot help others until we have worked on our selves and our family etc. God does not ask us to go out and save the world with Him when we are not saved !

am I harsh ? yes ? does it mean I don't question and know right from wrong and speak when need be . no.

Children do question . God loves His children to ask questions .

God loves us to ask .

He also loves us to listen and hear His answer ;-)

many so called talking for God people , are not. Why ? Because they forgot about the listening quiet time part .

We are all guilty of this.

It is no different if a homemaker feels they know all of God and push and boss and bully their children or if it is a priest who wishes to stand up in front of thousands and be bossy , pushy and bully.

Fr.C claimed he knows what is best . he knows more than you or I . really ?

is he sure about that ?

remember when God sent Samuel to anoint David . he was the small one remember , a Sheppard .

Who on earth are we to say who is closer to God etc. what if there is one of God's little ones sitting in that crowd Fr.C is assuming he knows more than .

Anyway I know I believe God is the one we always need check and verify with because it is He who knows best and I don't make assumption anymore about who is closer to Him or not . I just pray when I see people hurting , going to fall etc.

I do like to speak up every now and then but really I am not very vocal aside from writing of course.

I know I suffer from wanting attention too .I know there is a difference between arrogance & self confidence .

I know I am very guilty of wanting credit for what I've done , which actually is really just Him working through me. I can be very selfish and my ego get very grand indeed .

I need to remain small and itty bitty , not in a bad way but in a way that He shall shine , He shall be seen from the mountain top . I need to be small so God can be big as He is ☺

amen

I also love love this picture of ST.Catherine . She just appears so peaceful , so contented .

What a beautiful saint

abuse has no boundries , I do !

2011-04-28T06:12:00.000-07:00

this once again has been a really hard season of putting up boundries and remembering that saying no to abuse hatfelt behaviour is okay !
Letting go & saying goodbye is okay too ☺
I used to have no boundries what so ever . I had a false trust that everyone was to be trusted especially those in position of authority , with money but not even just people with the role of leader etc.
This came from every therapist I saw as a child telling me I was a problem and there was nothing wrong with our family and especially not my father !
when you are told anything over and over again you believe it. so I actually beleived in a twisted way the man who raped me and countless other children was just fine . all my abuse sent to my subconscious . Many victims of abuse have repressed memory , as children we cannot psycologically process and analize why the abuse is occurring so we store it away . I beleive it is stored so we can deal with it when in a save and healthy place however many of us then took on unhealthy things to keep those memories repressed . repression is a reaction to triggers too not just the abuse itself .
anyway when I began to no longer be fearful because of abuse of children around me I began to slwly remember my own abuse . It was very intense at first the dreams , flashbacks , memory but I just felt and knew I was ready , there was a reason my brain was releasing the stored memories and it was time to deal. I had a great trust so therefore had no fear .
As soon as I said that first No to the abuser , my boundries began to be put in place . I gradually learned my tolerance , what was okay , the risks I was willing to take to protect children .
Yes that meant saying no to relationships within my own so called family and friends , who now of course I know were not friendships merely enabling relationships that kept people stuck.
It was surprising to me how many people I had let in my life who needed me to be weak , meek and supposedly stupid so they in fact could be built up and often be a bully . Now I am small for no one but God and it is in a positve way so that my ego does not get puffed up ☺
I realized some people I am not placed in their life to be a buddy or a friend I am here to guide and councel. Many of those friends wished me to enable them in remaining victim or bully. I just cannot do it.
So many people become a part of a group to be cool and accepted and begin shunning others and mocking others etc. I could not tolerate abuse from a sexual offender and I do not tolerate abuse from the cool bully either ☺
Saying no and goodbye is very hard in those rel;ationships where enabling has been mistaken for love . we feel we are being a mean or bad friend , sibling , daughter etc. we are not , we are actually learning what true love is and true love includes "no" !
I have had people who are healthy have to walk away from me at times it is the best thing they could do for me ! I've heard recovered alcoholics say it was the best gift a freind ever gave them was to say no .
I can say the more I say no to abusive relationships the more the healthy ones return . God will not have you say no in order to isolate us the rest of our lives lol
I did however over lent have the question put to me , if saying no means you will have to stand alone in courage can you do it . My answer is yes, because reality is I've done it before so each time it is not quite to heart wrenching ☺
So once again I've said no to these things which have kept me stuck and more often then not it is relationships that have been very harmful. I have had also do not forget that to see my part in it ! I made a choice to stay and enable peoples behaviopur , to appear meek and pathetic etc. then when I am my true self of course those people are not happy ! I mean where did the Rox go that would support my victim role and help me keep justifying my hate for others and be a bully . I am just as guilty as they , yet by my ownership I am not needing to stay stuck . Yes they are still stuck , so like I said I pray for them and love them from afar ☺

Living & Sharing your religion

2011-04-27T19:26:00.000-07:00

I am well aware some family & friends do get annoyed my writing tends to always be regarding my spiritual & catholic culture .

we all have little things about us that annory each other and , indeed are loving , forgiving & accepting of those annoyances . for we know that who we are .

I have also dealt with out right persecution and the hatefelt heart again . We all encounter this no matter what our religion, culture , economic status , or sexual orientation may be .

What I wish to point out is the very big difference !

I and many I love and follow thier blogs try our best to live and share how we heal , how we work , how we indeed live with our religion

I am well aware thier are people who are not catholic who wish to heal without relious means .

I get that I just share what and how it has worked for me in my life , that is it .

I share to show how it works in my personal life or show how it also works in another catholic persons life .

we follow blogs of all religions , I love religion and love learning and I love sharing .

Now the difference is people who hate just because , and I will write in another post about dealing with these people who are in fact abusive .

right now I just wish to point out how there is a difference between hateful judgement and just sharing what we know and what has worked for us .

Hating the catholic church just because , hating a muslim just because I have no room in my life for that .

I've had to say goodbye to those who make that choice to do so and stay in that state .

Of course I know the why they are there and making that choice , it does not mean I need to continue to enable them in thinking thier hate is justified .

tolerance does not mean we put up with abusive behaviour .

I am very much trying to be a pacifist and my defence is always to me non threatening and not pushy or bossy .

Yes I do stand up to say when something is unjust but I try to speak it calmly and not forceful

I am not to be here to convince others , merely to share and what people do with it is thier business.

There is a difference in beleiving we are right and just speaking what is true too.

I more than anything need to know and be able to admit I am wrong .

People who are hatefelt will never own or see thier part. They will always rationalize the why they are jusified in thier hate .

They also get more hatefelt the more they see the light in You and those you touch .

If I have been hatefelt or judging I want to know , I need to own and admit my prejugdice ( we all , every single person have them ) and then I can work on them. when we pretend we are so accepting of all it is a lie , and eventually shows up in agression and hate towards others , just because.

so yes I had to deal with hating catholics just because , out of ignorance and fear .

It was hard because I am catholic , so to be lumped in that we are all evel , bad etc. hurt . yes I know it is not personal attack but my children are present when these statements are made , and the children of these people are present , that hate towards men , catholics , people who eat suckers for all I know gets past on to thier children !

I wish to teach our children #1 we all , every single person make bad choices , the pope , you , & me . we all do it .

next I wish to teach them to have understanding , acceptance and more importantly emapthy .

now empathy does not mean I put up with that hate . no especially when children are involved I weill not take part and I will stop contact . These people tend to draw each other in and support each other , bullies love bullies , just as alcoholics love alcoholics . They sit and have an arrogant cynical mocking of others the laughter is arrogance and repulsive instaed of a joyous laughter with others .

So I chose to love from afar I just cannot be apart of that hate , which I know is really pain & fear in disquise .

You see this is how good my religion is for me .

I never would have been able to see all this , to say no to abuse , to own my own poor choices and move on and take steps to help those I have hurt etc. you are truly living your religion be you christian , hindu , muslim etc. if you are humble enough to work on your faults and help others .

That is living my religion and I hope I do well in the sharing dept.

below are some blogs I like just for who they are

Cherished Hearts at Home this is my friend Gae's blog , she is a wonderful catholic Mum , she writes and she never , I mean never critizizes people of her own religion or of other religions ever never .you will just find how she lives her religion

Bringing up Salamanders is a wiccan Mum's blog I read because she and I SHARE A LOT OF THE SAME INTERESTS IN HANDI CRAFTS LIKE EMBROIDERY STICHING . oops sorry for caps . she is not a wiccan to be a victim as I can see and she does not christian bash and is not a man hater . you will not find hate towards others and thier religion she just shares once again how she lives her religion

My Beautiful Muslim Life this blog is new to me , I've only read a few posts but so far I've not found anything hatefelt and she definately shares how she lives her religion so I can learn about the true muslim faith .

I of course follow many many blogs ( yes I follow 300 blogs lol ) from people of all religions because we all share similar interests I just cannot list them all .

Saints of Garabandal

2011-04-17T21:31:00.000-07:00

I have had this post sitting here for some time but felt it was time to get it done today !

This is a post just about the saints who are dear to me and who have led me personally to the apparitions of our Lady Mount Carmel at Garabandal . I beleive in apparitions as much as anything God is capable of sending , creating & sharing with us.

Those who know me know that my connection to Garabandal is always regarding the protection of children , especially those who have been and are being sexually abused.

This is the purpose He has led me to continue to beleive and have devotion regarding Our Lady's apparaitions there .

I beleive the apparitions are to help our church acknwoldge and deal with the sins of sexual abuse which took place within our church family . abuses by many within our catholic religion and church. Abuses which happneed and hurt others within our church family.

I beleive our Lady wishes us to deal with and help survivors of abuse heal and then therefore we who are healed can help protect children and deal with abusive people correctly without fear .

I find it not some freaky coincidence that Our Lady Mount Carmel appeared either .She is not pregnant , she is not with a new baby as in the nativity .No she is appearing holding Our Lord as an infant , a child. The child Jesus .

Our Lady is the ultimate protector of children !

ST.Joseph came to me when I was praying with ST.Michael. I was reminded how my dh is like ST.Joseph he too is a foster father to my eldest dd. I was a single mother & my dd 3 yrs when I met my dh of 27 yrs.

I was in much need of healing from hurts and needed to be the mother I was called to be .

My dh like ST.Joseph taught my dd and accepted her as his own .

ST.jospeh is known as the protector of Jesus in those younger yrs. He listened to the angel in regards to marrying Mary and accepting the child within her.

He then listened to the angel again regarding the warning to flee. Fleeing is not running away it is what is needed at the time to protect and ST.joseph chose to beleive and protect Jesus !

ST.Pio has a great connection to Garabandal and also he is very much known as a saint of protection , protection of the soul to be exact . To help a soul own and acknowldge what sin needs to be dealt with in order to be pure again and unstuck.

Although there are stories of ST.Pio being what appeared harsh at times he was not he was a very gentle soul and he had a fondness for children . He also knew the great protection they are in need of and the spiritual damge that can come when such a innocent soul experiences abuse .

I am always always called to pray for this saint's intercession when I know of a child being abused . protection of the child's soul.

ST.michael , what can I say. He appeared at Garabandal and I was led to pray His chaplet my first devotion after the rosay. I pray this chaplet for the protection of children always .

Whenever I have been told of a child who is being abused I pray for ST.Michaels dircet intercession to come between ( intercede ) that child and the abuser .

I learned of ST.Simon Stock when doing research on Our Lady Mount Carmel . I was very surprised to learn his history and in fact ST.Simon had been mistreeated very badly as a child and had run away . while in isolation he grew very close to Our Lord & Lady . He is always helping in the intercession for those in thier early teens .

How can I not mention sweet Therese such a lovely beautiful child she was and she is i9nfact poften aksed to intercede for the unborn and children who have been abused.

I always always am called to be with her in regards to great love , knowing what real love is and to pray for those who feel unloved .

Yes this is the most recent saint I have been called to in regards to Garabandal ! ST.Benedict !

I had felt drawn to Garabndal again and Our Lady's apparitions . Then a great calling to pray to ST.Benedict because a young man we know was in great danger again . I am ever so grateful for the protection of this saint

and his cross

Yes Mother Teresa ! I've written about her before here . She helps me so much in regards to healing . She also helps me understand how I am oaky being me . I am loved always by God .

She also helped me find forgiveness and even come to the point where I wish for healing for absuive pushy bullies .

I was not sure if anyone else would connect her to Garabnadal but alas she is !

She is the Godmother to one of Conchita's children what a beautiful role model and what a lovely protector of children as well .

response to persecution & the hate felt heart

2011-04-17T08:23:00.000-07:00

I actually wrote this post early this morning before the reading of the gospel or my Mother Teresa daily reading

I always know my meditations / contemplations are assured by Him via the gospel & holy people .

Today was no exception ☺

Mother Teresa Apr. 17th

People throughout the world may look different or have a different religion, education or position.

but they are all the same .

They are the people to be loved .

They are all hungry for love .

The people you see in the streets of Calcutta are hungry in body,

but the people in London or New York also have a hunger which must be satisfied.

Every person needs to be loved .

what do you do when people hate you just because ? when people judge based on fear ? when people wish to hate others so they can actually remain the victim ?

when our judgment becomes judging not helpful discernment ?

the so you wanna be a victim faze , the I'm being persecuted , I'm a witch and therefore hate catholics because of the burning times. I'm a catholic and therefore hate pagans because of the burning times .

Even catholics judging other catholics .

Yes people ,abuse is abuse , it is a behavioural choice we make and indeed those of us who have been victimized at some point in our lives often become abusive in the form of judging others just because of our hurt , our pain etc.

I've had very hate felt anti catholic stuff come my way again lately . It is by people who hate the catholic church just because . Often because the fear and resentment towards being catholic or anything catholic was passed on . My dh family is like this . I know the why there is this hate passed on . I know also that my dh and his siblings actually never had themselves been hurt by a mean or abusive catholic . their hate was passed on by parents who hated and never dealt with their issues of abuse etc. they grew up with hate towards catholics coming from both sides .

Honestly if we are being true to our religion we may in fact find we are being victimized or we may find we are indeed being abusive but if we are truly living our religion we will not remain victim or persecutor.

Honestly how many people own when they are being hurtful or abusive ?

I know much more who view themselves as victims and they are not ! some use their religion like only become wiccan or catholic to feel victimized , even some have used AA to continue the role of victim .

one does not abuse because of ones religion , race , economic status , educational background etc. abuse holds no boundaries . It is we people who make the choice to hate or not to hate . to speak unkindly of a religion or not . to carry the hatred of men because our mothers hated men etc. we pass on the good and bad behaviours !

most people do not know that we all have been capable of being victims and being abusive . It is not wrong to have been a victim or acknowledge we are a victim . we are not to forget that victimization either. what is wrong is to stay in that state !

we do not need to do this nor is it healthy for that is when and how we teach our own to continue on the cycle . It also does not mean because we heal from our say childhood abuses we will never encounter being abused ever again . no in healing we learn just the opposite we will encounter abusive people and situations and have abusive experiences all our lives .What we learn is how not to remain there .we also learn not to fight abuse with abuse which is actually what most people do.

I for example react by feeling defensive and want to push back when my religion and an attack is being made on my religion .It is insulting and hurtful to myself , my family and my religion . However I know I need look deeper at the why people are so hurt etc. I need accept that is where they are at , at this time . They in fact more often then not will remain in that state of hate and will have passed it on to their children . So what is my response ? I cannot respond by bulling the bully . It does not work. more often then not I need to pray , get over my hurt and pray for the people and their healing .

Is it not interesting that today is palm Sunday ! That today is the day we read that Jesus Himself faced ultimate persecution .He did in fact even acknowledge he was being victimized. He said to God " why has thou forsaken me ?" Then he turned and knew and showed us how not to remain a victim !

I first learned of the "burning times " at a feminist film fest at the University in 1981. It was very moving film and very good back then the feminist movement was really making headway on the issue of rape and was very anti porn etc. there was very much good that came from the feminist movement . however there was a piece on the burning times when women were burned after being labeled witches. well something just did not feel right to me . that is because in actual fact it was not just women who were accused and burned or killed . It was indeed people . women , men and even children . also some were in fact Christians not witches . Joan of Arc was labeled a witch and burned as a heretic.

now also the topic of burning people at the stake. a type of torture . where did this come from . it came from the pagan Romans actually and it was the preferred method of torture for killing Christians .Hundreds of pagan people took part and viewed this persecution as entertainment. this behaviour was passed on to other cultures and religions . abusive people keep abusive methods alive it has nothing to do with ones religion . abusive people say it is but it is not . a sociopath is a sociopath . abuse is abuse . It is part of a cycle passed on .

ask saint Agape , Cionia & Irene how they died by pagan Romans . not all pagans were gentle , not all christians are evil torturors etc. people are people !

most people do not know that even Christians persecuted Christians , ST.Joan of Arc is one example & another ST.Margaret Clithrow it was illegal at times in England to be catholic she helped hide priests etc. had secret masses etc. when found out she was killed for it .

This hate exists today some baptists hate catholics because they believe we are pagan . Hate just because . so many catholics on my fb are anti Islam . Look at issues of war & holocausts . do believe all victims who came out of situations like that became healed is ridiculous. There are victims who became abusers themselves , victims who remained victims and turned their children and grandchildren into hate felt victims . It is in fact the majority who stay the victim it is the minority that work to heal and break down abusive cycles be it in a family , a country etc.

at church sister reminded me that in Mexico in the early 1900's it was very difficult to be a practicing catholic and this went on for many yrs .

it seems odd to me that some people I know who hate the catholic church are in fact themselves so very very judging of others , full of fear and hold resentments and hurts they have not dealt with . Teaching & passing on that hate to our children is even worse then doing it ourselves !

I see secular and pagan parents do it and I see christian parents do this.

do you teach your children to be anti Christian , to have hate , just because ?

Do you teach your children to hate those who perform abortions or who have made the choice to vote for a political party who believes in abortion support ?

I am a minority most of my friends and family are not catholic . I in fact thought I was a pagan and practiced mostly pagan rituals etc. all my life . I learned so many wonderful beautiful things that God gave me and now the difference between religion / culture and worship. Most of all I know how to deal with fear & hurts in a calm & rational way . It does not mean I don't experience these issues . It means when they happen I know how to approach these experiences calmly , not to react quickly and irrationally , know when to speak and when to pray ☺

I know a hurt is a hurt but not to take it personally. However people also need to know when they are actually attacking a religion they are attacking people , real people , individuals.

I have learned to pray for the bossy bully who is really the hurt little child inside and needs healing . Most of all I want to not turn the hate someone else has towards myself or my religion back on them. More importantly I wish to not teach our children that abusive behaviour of judging others .

again Mother Teresa really helps me with this issue of always having love be my response

I wish to remain little and itty bitty so God can remain grand .

to see God in all, if there is that light in my fellow Wicca , Hindu , Muslim brother and sister , that light is God is it not.

I wish to help all peoples see and know love to love another is such a gift and such a beautiful gift to share .

so my response to that persecution in the end is love

He showed that to me today His response was to forgive them for they know not what they do. People are fearful , I cannot remain hurt or angry .

It is just to hard to stay resentful and I don't like being stuck ☺

I wish to do nothing but respond in and with love

amen

☺

why I hate porn !

2011-04-06T15:47:00.000-07:00

# 1 because it abuses a persons spirit the person viewing it & the person who is being viewed.

Porn kills the soul

it kills !

simple as that .

porn is like the topic of prostitution or abortion .

it can be justified as it is okay in certain forms and in moderation for specific reasons etc.

nope .

if it is so wonderful and good for us why is it secretive , why not just have images of sexually exploitive acts on billboards etc. if just having sex for fun is okay then why not have sex while waiting for the bus etc.

honestly it is so easy to justify it but it creeps in people look at what claim to be very modest pron , it gradually leads to harder porn . It gradually may lead to then online sex talk . then online craigs list meeting .

look at the man who abducted the young girl in Toronto and killed her and hid her body in a duffle bag and threw it out . He started with porn , his fantasies escalated .

people will say yes but that was kiddy porn that guy was sick. many people begin with so called normal pron and it then leads to being curious about other forms.

A man I know he began early in their marriage looking at mags like playboy. He latter ventured to video , wanting to try all types of things his partner was not comfortable with , making her feel less then and not open enough if she refused . his pron addiction grew as the computer age came . It led to curiosity in other areas of porn and yes he is an abuser of children .

it grows and manifests when not dealt with .

I hate porn and that young people have access to it and it begins very innocently in a way but spreads .

The main reason I hate porn is I know I was photoed , my friends were photoed and I believe my own children were photoed for pornographic purposes by abusers .

For me there are no healthy boundaries regarding pornography it is just wrong .

I can say the same for prostitution . I can speak about all these areas because I have lived this , been there & done that .

No matter how together a prostitute appears and it is okay , and respectable . It is a lie lie lie !

so if you no matter how old you are and may find you are just beginning to be curious . STOP ! right now . get help ! look at the why you feel drawn to do something that is harmful to yourself & others . there will be a reason .

If do you need a feel good ? why ? are you lonely ? why ? are you angry ? why ?

talk to a school counsellor , church minister , friends or youth group leaders who you see lead healthy lives .

If you do not get help from one place move on and try another , do not give up.

Remember , no one who is healthy will support your curiosity or addiction to continue your behaviour .

If you have peers , coworkers etc. who are into this take the step outside that horrid box and make different lifetsyle choices !!!

SAY NO TO PORN

RIGHT NOW !

~ AMEN ~

Mother Antonia Social Justice & Good Judgment

2011-04-05T10:24:00.000-07:00

Wow am I inspired ! Mother Antonia is my new Muse right now !

If I had self doubt I have purpose in His plan it is gone . Here I am Lord ! I am going to testify & witness for all my healing , all that has been given I wish nothing more then to give back over and over again ~ amen !

I've had terrible self doubt lately in regards to my ministry etc. mostly encouraged on by encounters with ego boosted people with puffed up chested who feel they know it all and are there to save everyone . You know the type of person like when you meet them and you fell just because of who you are you are on equal ground . right ? we are all the same yet unique but equal in his eyes ? These people I'm always sort of knocked over by them because I'm just not expecting it . That somehow I view we are all on equal ground and the same plane and then bam oh I get it they are somehow up here ( in their mind anyway ) and we are down here .

I just walk away .

Then there is the other type of person the pushy bossy bully type . Often these are people who have been abused themselves , they need to control , have others feel badly so they can be lifted up etc. a bully is an abuser in fact . a sociopath would be the extreme . A controlling parent having trouble letting her children have bigger boundaries may be on the lesser scale but we are all indeed especially those who have been abused , of becoming a bully !

Mother Antonia is the in between Mother Teresa & Oscar Romero to me ☺

She worked with and saw the light in all these sinners . I think she is the guru/ icon of the social justice movement ! what a wow awesome story

please if you can pick up a copy of the Prison Angel

Mother Teresa has helps me each and every time I am having to deal with an abuser . She helps me see the hurt person not the pushy bossy bully .

Each abuser should be handled in their own way as well. The ego boosted hypocrite rarely wants to hear they are so puffed up with pride . pray because the bigger the ego the bigger the fall. You honestly can't do much more then stay out of their space and go about your business.

For the pushy bossy type respond in kindness always !!!

I wrote once before about how Mother Teresa helped me deal with a bully at our church . they pushed and bossed their way into the parish counsel ( I am happy to report they were let go ) people who are not healed and especially those who are abusive should not be at the head of a family , church , city , province or country . Look at Lybia for heavens sake !

So when I was upset with this bully I know first off to pray . God always sends me the perfect saint / holy person to help me through it . He did as usual along came Momma T .

I prayed with her , she helped me see this womans life of abuse , her heart ache instead of dealing with her pain she hides it tries to feel good by controlling others in her family & then at church .

I decided to buy her a copy of The Joy in Loving a book of Mother Teresa quotes .

I simply wrote in the book You are Loved .

she did not need to know who gave it , nor did I need to know her response in receiving it . I think she probably threw it out actually .However that message is always within her " You are Loved " will walk around in her brain tucked perhaps in her subconscious until being able to not be so afraid and will receive the message and be thankful she is loved ☺

Of course in regards to an abuser who is indeed harmful to themselves & others we need to have good judgment in regards to how to approach such a bully. In most cases we will need assistance from others .

In the cycle of abuse the victims / survivors are often viewed as bad for talking . No one wants to hear that the wonderful beautiful lawyer and father of 4 rapes children on his day off !

so we often prefer to label those who would make such a claim of this being truth as bad people or crazy . Just because we don't want to hear it does not make it not true . Just because we wish to dismiss the signs of abuse because it is just to hard to deal with does not make the signs disappear .

we also live in a world where we are somehow labeling each others sins all the time and pointing them out and yet we are told we are not to judge , not to point out the sin of others .

so where does being judgmental vs speaking out against sinful behaviour which is harmful fit in .

good judgement / discernment

Oscar Romero is my great example of this . He was not afraid to speak up. He even told the deacons & priests etc. who were deciding to take up arms to choose non violent means . Oscar Romero chose the voice instead of the gun and he is by far the most remembered priest from EL Salvador .

Mother Antonia had to learn this skill too. when to pray and when to speak. If she spoke to harshly or at all about the prison abuses she may be asked to leave . She chose sweet , round about ways to get to the hearts of the toughest men . Same with prisoners . she had no problem giving true love and empathy . Yet she also knew they had to know the exact truth of how they harmed others and themselves .

I wish I could have such a focus and help people like these holy people but I tend to want to give to All His People .

I am torn where to place and teach and give that love . How could I just go to a prison ? How could I just help the starving homeless.

How could I just help the victim & not the abuser .

No I may be alone with our Lord but I want to remain small if it keeps me myself viewing all on equal ground .

amen

Forgiving the Offender

2011-03-28T21:07:00.000-07:00

Took me awhile to decide on a photo for this post ☺

I think I like this one .It is like saying come to the well of forgiveness. Accept this drink , from this well which springs forth eternally ☺

It goes well with yesterdays reading too does it not .

Fr.S spoke quite lengthly yesterday at mass about the the story of the Samaritan woman & Jesus . He told us the symbols of the mountain being always a symbol where people would meet God . The well always represented a union of marriage .

There is also forgiveness in this story.Fr.S is from India and he explained that in villages you meet at the well in the mornings before the heat of the day . This woman did not. She waited until no one would be there . Fr. said the well is also a place of gossip , everyone talks there and it is almost always women who collect the water .So yes you can imagine the talk.

You can see in the story the woman said she did not have a husband . She in fact had many partners so perhaps she did not wish to be talked about or seen, trying to hide . Jesus gradually helps her come out of her shell . She begins to form a relationship with Him .To have the grace of union .

What a beautiful story .

As I walked away from Fr.R for receiving communion and turned to sit in my chair .A great joy came over me seeing an elderly man also walking to his seat. I do love the elders as you know .

Then out of no where ! A thought a wish , a hope a prayer ! I thought " I wish my dad (that is my bio father ) could receive this .Receive Him , receive communion "

where on earth did that come from ?

Who on earth would have thought that prayer would've come from me !

Is this the same woman who 12 yrs ago wanted to sue the college of physicians and have her bio father sent to jail to rot the rest of his life away .

Yes forgiveness is a beautiful gift. We only need receive it . accept it for ourselves .

To me forgiveness is not forgetting as I have written before . we always have our memory. It also does not mean we will not have repressed memories or triggers pop up the rest of our lives.

It does not mean we will not feel angry or sad etc. even feel pain when another memory returns . Remember anger is normal .It is not sin .It is what we do and how we respond when experiencing anger , sadness & pain .

I am able to look at my abuse , the people , my life as a whole etc. and get through it all.

In learning what guilt was never ours in the first place , learning and believing for real it had absolutely nothing to do with us , leads us to heal in a real way. We will no longer want to punish , ourselves or others . We learn true defence is respecting and loving ourselves in healthy and good ways .

This is the season of reconciliation within our church. I can say of all the sacraments this is actually my fav one ☺

I love working on my issues , totally mine not the sins of others . seeing what I have done and owning it . Seeing how then best I can handle the wrong choices I have made and move on ☺

Accepting forgiveness from God is the most freeing experience I have ever known .That is what the acceptance of forgiveness is , complete and utter freedom !

It is beautiful

So how did I come to have forgiveness for my abusers ?

Time & my openness and willingness to heal .

When we continue to relive and feel the pain of those experiences over and over it is exhausting and does nothing bit continue to let that person hurt us even though they actually are no longer doing so.

I've written about how a priest helped me see forgiveness by Jewish people in the Holocaust . Not all victims of the Holocaust healed some went out into the world becoming abusers themselves s passing on resentments and hatred for their abusers just as we who have been sexually abused may choose to do. Abuse is abuse .

So he told me to begin with asking God to forgive them .Take myself out of the role of " I have to forgive " I already as an intelligent person am well aware I need to forgive ! remember knowing is different then believing .

Lent is the time of conversion ( change ) that times when we experience true conversion is when we go the knowledge in the mind to the believing with the heart .It is a beautiful experience that conversion .

So all I needed to do was ask God to forgive . In doing this it was in fact really a way to get me to pray for the other person . my abusers .

as I became more open to praying for them , the more I began to be okay with seeing them for who they were . As I could see them as a whole person not just pure evil.

This took yrs .It also happened within my formation with the DJM which offers much healing and is a very thorough program not just a quick fix weekend workshop.

I also healed that inner child and saw what happened is not happening now. I saw the role of adult & child in the abusive situations . As a parent myself I know full well who is making the choice to abuse and who chose to play out that abuse !

I see these people for who they are . I wish forgiveness for them just as I wish it for myself. I know the how & whys of my father becoming a sociopath .

I would in fact now be able to be with him if he wished to find healing for himself.

this is different then the before me who did not remember my abuse .I am well aware these people do not get fixed . I very much practice the virtue of prudence with my gift of discernment. These people can never be alone with children ever , never ! If I were to ever meet my father again it would not be alone . It would be with those involved in restorative justice and it would only be when the abuse has been acknowledged because if it hasn't his healing cannot take place .

I honestly just cannot not forgive . I do not like to stay in a space where I am stuck and being drained especially by other people ;-)

So now instead of me choosing harmful things when trying to get unstuck such as self , blame , trying to fix others , giving people whatever they want , smoking cigarettes etc.

I choose talking , meditation , books , petting my dog , walking with my kids , doing crafts . most of all being able to see my part in a situation as it really is .

I do not carry guilt that is not mine , nor sin of another with me !

For all I see and know the pain of another I have great empathy but I in no way am responsible to take that pain away ! I can help support others get through that pain just as I've gotten through it . I wish to do this for both survivors and abusers .

I know if God offers me His real Love He also offers to each and every other person . He is always there it is people who choose to not be with Him .

So yes that I am here at this point , this beautiful place where I can wish , hope & pray for my father to be able to experience conversion , the communion & relationship with Jesus just out of no where deep inside my heart .This is the movement of the Holy Spirit . That is true and real forgiveness and it is beautiful .

personal struggle with holiness

2011-03-27T13:16:00.000-07:00

Yes, I go through this dilemma each yr.often during our Lenten season .Which of course is ultimately why it is truly my fav season of the yr. ☺

We each and everyone one of us will have our own struggles regarding becoming closer to Him and how He works with us in order to do this .

I struggle often in regards to issues of hierarchy and hypocrisy etc. It all mostly stems from issues of abuse .

Of having discernment in seeing things or rather in my case people for who they are rather then as they appear to be .

Because I was most often abused by those with status and power via their education & money .

The lie which is based upon someone is good merely because of status .

I struggle with issues regarding who is holy. Because knowing just because someone is a certain status does not make them trustworthy. God is not blind and He does not ask us to be. True Love is not blind .Love is not pretending someone is not abusive when they really are .

Love does not ask us to play pretend and we are not bad when we speak of our abuse .Nor are we labeling the abuser pure evil we are saying it like it is , abuse is abuse .Deal with it .

So I struggle because I know a certain priest or catechism youth teacher is an abuser , a sexual predator of children. so what is my role . Play pretend ?

I cannot pretend someone is holy just because .

I think the whole issue of sex is warped by religion .

Is a mother less holy then a celibate nun just because she had sex ?

is sex therefore bad ?

As I've written before I believe sex is one of our most sacred gifts . That it is not sex itself that would be sin it is what people chose to do with that act of sex that turns it sinful.

Just because people become married does not mean they are not capable of turning sex into sin , same goes with someone who may not be called to be celibate . A married couple in fact could be called to celibate at certain time in their marriage .

Is a priest holier then a deacon just because ? .No I truly feel our holiness is complete when we are at one with Him , when we have become as best we can true to who we have been called and created to be . I do not believe holiness is a just because thing based upon someones status in a bog golden church . That sounds very much like the Pharisees and the Sadducee . Jesus said to do as they say but not do as they do .

I see so many supposed holy people standing up being pushy , bossy bullies, listing how sinful people are . even saying what their actual sin is and then wanting them to own that sin and be sorrowful etc.

who on earth would admit to their sins when they are pointed out to them ? Are we willing to accept that if someone points out or sin ? If I stand up and say to that person on the pulpit I know your sin , are they going to own it there and then ?

I find people will be much more open to looking within themselves if we are the example. If we are willing to share our own sinful behaviours and how we took ownership of our own sin and how we made amends and received forgiveness. Then people see a real human being , a sinner just like them . Because yes we all are sinners ! Share your experience and the why and how .Be a teacher as well as a preacher otherwise people walk away .

Anyway , Whenever I have become upset over the whole who is holy and who is not issue .

When I turn to Him with this disturbance . all He says in response is " Pray " That is all that is asked of me. Because it is not between them and me at all. Reality is even if someone is a child abuser unless they are caught in the act no one will believe you .You will be looked upon as bad , crazy etc. You will be shunned .

This is a fact with speaking out so we have to be prepared for it . Remember the family that spoke out about the molestation of their child I wrote of .Yes unbelieved . Remember when my friend told the parents who had their children in the youth group that the man running it is a na**la member and the response was " and why are you telling me this ?"

So no I just am choosing to stay with Him and really know where he is leading me .

he sent me in fact two of my fav saints who reminded me exactly what true holiness is in being the best me He created me to be and then I know I am with Him ☺

The first writing is from Mother Teresa a wonderful Protector of Children

Holiness is the acceptance of the will of God.

Holiness is not a luxury of the few .

It is not meant for some people only.

It is meant for you and for me.

It is a simple duty.

Because you learn to love , you learn to be holy , and to be able to love , you must pray.

My progress in holiness depends on God and myself .

The nest writing is from ST.Therese

He set before me the book of nature , I understood how all the flowers He has created are beautiful, how the splendor of the rose and the whiteness of the lily do not take away the perfume of the little violet or the delightful simplicity of the daisy. I understood that if all flowers wanted to be roses , nature would lose her springtime beauty, and the fields would no longer be decked out with little wild flowers. And so it is in the world of souls , Jesus' garden ... Perfection consists in doing His will , in being what He wills us to be .

Believe ~ Help Survivors & Break Down an Epidemic

2011-03-27T12:29:00.000-07:00

Blessed are the Unbelieved

One of the most hurtful & infact abuses regarding sexual abuse is the unblief ( denial ) of that abuse .

To not beleive a victim of abuse is like abusing them all over again .

I'd been reading an artcile asking people to return to the church and oh howe blessed are the poor sinners , please return .

As if it is as easy as pie for those who have left.

Yes there are those who have left because of stubornness and out of materialistic wants , wanting our reliogion on our own terms not Gods terms .

However there are many who have been abuse within the church community and most while as children .

To ask someone to return to the place in which that abuse occured and not offer them the proper healing therapy etc. is not of God it is ignorance and has no empathy , compassion or understanding what so ever,

If a child was say abused before mass then asked to serve on the altar after being abused and then keeping that secret and repeatedly having to play pretend .Then if they by chance got the nerve to speak up and then they are told they are bad , that did not happen . Honestly that place would be a place of very harmful triggers for that person . I mean if you could put yourself in that place . In the residential school , church , seminary etc. then you are going to be abused and then have to go out and play pretend . You will then have people tell you it didn't even happen !

I know it is so hard to beleive , because we just do not wish to beleive someone could do that to a child . If we think it for a minute it is easy to dimiss the thought , no it can't be .Put it aside .

We have got to have the strength to beleive what is given to us because if we do not the risk of not beleiveing can be devasting .

I have family memebrs still in denial who still will not speak to me yrs after so many victims of the bause have come forward etc. Even people who have been told forget .

a member who is trying thier best to help the family in healing told me the other day had heard the hockey player Sheldon Kennedy on CBC radio talking about his story . This person who is very dear to me began to quote the abuse stats to me " they say 1in4 ..."

Honestly , was I speaking to a brick wall all these yrs !

It is so frustrating when you have been trying to teach / educate people for so long but they just do not get it until it is told on the tv , radio by some famous people !

I told her "yes and you know what he says . That think if he wasn't a well known hockey player . what would have happened ?" Sheldon himself knows how people are not beleived , listened to etc. look how long it took people to hear his voice ! He also knows the reality of having an abuser being dealt with . In the majority of abuse cases nothing will come of the abuser if charged at all the sentence will be minimal .Always getting out of jail to re-offend !

I've spoken of survivors who actually heal from abuse , we are a minority . Of all my friends and people I've known many suffer from psychological trama , some drug addiction , protstitution , suicide & the worst some became sexual abusers themselves .

To deny the abuse and play pretend does not help , it in fact leads to having a life of messed up adulthood in most cases and it is far harder to heal the adult than the child .

If our reaction to abuse is fear , right there we need to know that is not of God . He asks us not to react out of fear .Merely remain calm , sit back , pray and we will be shown how to deal with the situation in a rational way .

For many of you this may be a new topic to deal with .It is okay to say I don't know what to do. It is okay to ask for help !

For those who have been unbelieved , do not give up , if someone does not believe you move on to someone new . With the world of internet now it is much easier to find groups & therapists etc.

Reemember most of all you are not alone , all survivors have gone through the denial of thier abuse .

On a Catholic Christian front , look to the saints who also have struggled . Many were abused as children . Many were not believed .

Ultimately look at who was not believed .Him ! Jesus Himself was not believed and He gave His life because of this unblief , fear & ignorance ! He knows exactly how we have felt and what we have been through . He chose not to view Himself as victim but rather had true & real forgiveness for those who chose to abuse Him .

In this oneness we are never alone .

and

Never Forget

Blessed are the Unbelieved

amen

Movie Funder Raiser ~ Picture Me Blue No More

2011-03-20T07:26:00.000-07:00

Please click on poster link to make a Donation .

Donations start as low as $5 !

Picture Me Blue No More

Hi Everyone ,

Sorry I am just getting around to posting this now , but I honestly did not hear about it until a few days ago !

Why not !

Okay I think the survivor community often may tend to be localized and regional .Which I believe in regards to protecting children is the ultimate best way to do so , keep it small , know your own community and stay there to help it . Yet in regards to distributing stories we have got to go more national in regards promoting our stories okay people ☺

Kimberly Ray contacted me asking if I could write a post to get the message out there !

So here I am .

So not only is this story a movie , the movie Picture Me Blue No More is based on a book And Yet, You Still Chose Me which is written about Kimberly Ray's the true real life story of inspiring survival.

Amazon does have the book by the way , my Canadian bookstore is sold out !

Again I had never heard of Kimberly's book nor the movie project , am I ever glad I did . The more I read about her life , well , it is a Wow story ☺

I honestly as I just wrote in my last post felt the need for a Real Story to come out , as well as an Inspirational one that gives survivors hope & encourages people to not just heal themselves but wish to make a difference to protect other children

Because as adults now no longer being abused that should indeed be our ultimate goal to protect His little ones ☺

so AMEN to You Kimberly Ray AMEN !

again do not forget to try and make a donation today

a book ,a book & a movie

2011-03-18T12:20:00.000-07:00

I am in a writers funk . I want to write but have so much to do in the home and so much to write that I just get stuck . So forgive me please if this is short and may appear I'm not putting much effort into the post .

I did however want to come on and mention these items I've read and viewed so you may wish to check them out yourself and form your own opinion .

So this first book I found at the MCC thrift for 30cents .I am glad because I do not like this book .No I do not ! Read this book if you wish to remain in a victimized feminist state of mind !

Those who know me , know I will in no way condone the attempt to lay reasoning one chooses to abuse is based upon their race , sex , or religion . I believe people either abuse out of two reasons they make the choice and / or are mentally ill or both . That is it . This authors tone right from the start bases abuse withhin churches being the result of a patriarchal system . well there are survivors of abuse who were members of Christian churches who do not base themselves on a patriarchal system ! The author is very much into women's issue but I believe on the verge of man hating type of feminism .I just to not like her book nor what I have since seen and read about her .I find there is a fine line when we wish people to learn to be responsible & accountable for their abuse and encouraging hate felt sentiment and also enabling survivors to have hate instilled within their hearts and remain so called victims when we are not .

This is just my opinion . Her book has 5 stars and many good reviews on Amazon so obviously others have found benefit in her work .

I on the other hand will return the book to the second hand shop.

This book is a small little gem ! I love love love this book !

If You want a positive Christian book on how to deal & learn to heal from sexual abuse this is a good one to start with ! The Author also is a survivor of sexual abuse . She also founded a ministry dedicated to help victims of abuse .

I like things simple & to the point .Not a run around in circles speak in parables type thing . I also like things very blunt and truthful tell it like it is .

This book discusses peoples situations & experiences and offers ways to see those situations and how to deal via Our Christian faith . There are personal & group discussion questions after each chapter .

What I absolutely love is in the back of the book are offered a description of what each type of therapy are . Just as the example of how the 2 books I just reviewed are so are the different methods and forms & views in therapy . A psychologist can be very different then a psychiatrist as well as a Christian counsellor may be very different then a secular one . It is good to be aware of these different approaches and to know there is absolutely not a one therapist fits all in regards to healing from abuse !

My library had this book !

Okay I waited 3 months to watch this movie as I was #72 when I requested it from the library . Let me first say that just as when I reviewed The Lovely Bones (which I loved )& Precious( I did not like it ) , that even if I do not like a movie I feel it is worth even a bad movie be shown then none at all. This is because no matter how poor the quality etc. it is the fact that the public is going to be once again have to be conscious about the issue of child sexual abuse .

I was excited to see this movie as it was talked about on many survivor forums etc. It does have very graphic and violent scenes! so just a warning about that .

Now I was excited because I also love love European film ! I did not like this film ! Now I'm not familiar with Swedish film . But the acting in this as far as European film goes is bad .It is as though they thought if we just make it as dark & grey as possible it will appear European and people will like it . No ! Another thing although set in Europe /Sweden it is very AAmericanized .

I also did not like the fact that both victim/ survivors in the film punished their abusers . Of course I know this could and does happen and I also know very well the feeling of wanting to hurt my abusers .

However somehow condoning it is another story .

Victims however can become as twisted as their abusers and indeed can become abusers themselves .be they female or male !

My mother read the book and felt it was unrealistic and did not show people what abusers are really like . well my mother is of course still in denial because frankly there are people who choose to sexually torture others , including children each and everyday and yes in very horrific methods .

I was reminded of this as a met a friend in the grocery store just after I watched the movie and he reminded me of how my father had also been a cross dresser .No this is not an anti cross dresser thing .many people are cross dressers and just fine . My father is just the example of how someone does not know who they are and how twisted they can be like this man we have no doubt he may have killed children himself he and his friends do sexually torture children . They also have sex with anything & everything not just children .

However the one thing that I did wish would happen after watching this movie is this . Where is the real life story ! ?

In the end all these movies for all they bring the attention and try and educate .It still leaves the audience knowing it was a fictional story .

I believe the impact of the real thing would have a much bigger impact on the general public .

All in all as I said it is better even a bad book or movie comes out so at least people will become aware and educated about the issues surrounding sexual abuse .

Crossroads

2011-02-18T10:24:00.000-08:00

Honestly J we cannot meet at the crossroads as you put it because

Crossroads ~ where two roads meet 1/2 way ~ in the middle

One with a stubborn head can never meet another at the crossroad for they always remain on the one side , there is no bending , there can be no conversion(change ) within a stubborn head .

I honestly did the work J ! You did not . I did not get here because it was easy breezy . Honestly what did you do to change . You did nothing your alcoholic behaviour remained the same.
J did I not encourage you in your new found faith / religion . Did I not share with you my friends who are neo pagan wiccan etc. offering to introduce you to knew relationships that could be healthy etc. ? Did I not say how I too celebrate the Celtic holidays in our home school because it is a part of Celtic christian culture but you chose to not hear nor believe but follow someone instead who is deeply mentally disturbed as a spiritual teacher.You did this just to appear cool to your children so they would feel accepted and loved by you . That is not love J it is merely the response many parents fall into when wishing to ease the pain in their child's heart . J the only way to help your children heal and have that pain subside is to acknowledge what happened ! Pain is a natural reaction to being abused ! Trying to cover our children's pain does not help them !
J you were given healthy teachers just as I was you just chose to not accept them . I slowly saw wicca was not your religion as it led you more and more not to deal with the abuser who is your partner ! It led you further into your enabling relationship with D who herself is not dealing with the issue of addiction & mental illness in her own family .Our friend the midwife would never ever suggest a pregnant woman ask D to attend a birth think about that ! Get this J , I am one of those healthy teachers ;-)
    the proof is all there in the signs of abuse etc. the signs of abuse in your family do not go away just because you pretend they don't exist . In the end Truth is Truth even in denial .You never went for therapy for self merely to try and label your child a problem . Attending therapy with an abuser who is not acknowledged that will never heal a child !
To bend to try and see and listen to another is meeting at the cross roads . I said I would attend therapy with you even !
I told you merely I would not enable you to play pretend in a religion that was merely replacing alcohol. I said I would not enable You to pretend the signs of abuse are not there , that addictions to porn etc. are not there .
In the end you have passed on those behaviours of dealing with abuse to Your children . children learn how to partake in denial and in deed enable you to believe you are a victim .You are not a victim !
Did you bend ? Did you ever Thank Our Lady Guadalupe for bringing You to Mexico ? Did You ever try to Thank her by working to help the unborn ? No You chose to remain drunk be it with alcohol or Wicca it is hiding and playing pretend . Making your way to the crossroad you might have tried a new way instead of the same way . Did you pick up a rosary ? No you choose to try and be cool & accepted . In the end your hiding & instability costs your children . Did you stop to listen and try another way ? Or do you just say no because of stubborn headedness and fear ?
   So J you are no where near the cross road . You are still so one sided , narrow with the plank in your eye .
There is no room for surrender , acceptance , understanding , meeting in the middle .You are so puffed up and ego boosted .
Imagine asking people not to pray for you . how arrogant is that ? believing everyone else needs therapy or may be mentally ill but will not accept it is possible for self . That is just stuck in self .   I know You looked to me to be your mother from the time you wanted to call me Mum when you were 14yo. J , I was only 16yo ! I nor your AA sponsors are nor called to be your mother You need not look to false mothers such as D or wanting me to be your mother.No do you not see !
Our Lady is your true Mother just as she is mine ☺ she came to you and continues to just as she did for me .
J in fear & denial There is no bending or middle ground for You .
I am right in the middle J and I need not become a witch or an alcoholic to meet You here . I am just myself then, now & always .exactly who I am created to be . I pray & hope everyday You remember too .

amen

Tell me Why ?

2011-02-17T09:16:00.000-08:00

Why can't I just put on my army boots and go and trample the old man that abused myself and our children !!

I mean our kids are older now . They be okay with a having a prison mum . Other children would be safe from that monster hurting them .

So why not ?

Who knew I'd be here again . ! lol but life is life I feel anger , sadness just like anyone else.

Yes I feel like harming the man my father who abused myself but worse my own children !!!

I like any mother want to take the pain hurt away from my children ! I want to erase the events that man played out on our family 1

I cannot I cannot fix it at all !

Why do I not go out and just bash his head in ?

I cannot I feel it is wrong , I know it is wrong but it does not mean I don't have the frustration of not being able to ease the pain of my children .

I thought and prayed today as one of our children and now all are effceted by the deep pain of one .

I will not turn away from God ! the devil wants me to . He wants me to panic , be full of fear etc.

No I will always pray .

when I did he led me to Himself .

Jesus Himself on the cross in His human form asked Our Father " why ? "

Then what did Jesus do ? He turned all Himself to God .

I cannot control how my children respond or feel.

I can only be here and be a real good example 1

I would even rather have my children have hate for me if it meant they would heal and have love for themselves.

That is the sacrafice I am willing to give .

Of course I do not believe one can fully love oneself when having hate for another but feeling anger towards others is a reality of healing .

I also have to forgive myself just as I did my mother. She did her best for who she is and the times she was living in .

I like my own mother did what I could do. I did not do enough but I did not purposly try and place my children in harms way .niether did my mother .

Our abuser did purposly harm us there is a big differenmce .

I have to remind myself each generation gets better when we take steps to stop the cycle

I was the one who beleived my children ! I did say No when I leanred of the abuse .

I did seek councelling for yrs even when no one else wanted it that did not mean I would not get help .

No if I let anger and hate fill me . The abuser wins .

I will not be free and my children would certainly not heal faster if I punish the abuser . No focus can be given that monster he is nothing .

My children are everything ☺

Dear Father forgive for all my faults

Help me be open to acknowldge my wrongs

Help me be strong enough to place my children before myself no matter how deep my own pain

Please Heavenly Father most of all let my children know they are loved .

Never let them believe a lie they are not Yours .

Let them forever see , feel & know Your True light

amen

Fighting the disease ~ Be a Light

2011-02-16T11:20:00.000-08:00

I had wanted to include a writing by Mother Teresa on Real & True Love .She inspires me always .

I recently read the book Come be My Light and I had absolutely no idea that this was the instruction He had given to her .

I just beamed because it made my light shine & He to told me " be a light " His light

witness, be that example ☺

It was a dear friend who instilled in me how much people especially those who have been abused need to know how much they are truely loved . To not beleive the denial that they are bad and horrid creatures but rather beautiful and unique individuals .

Mother Teresa or Momma T as I so fondly call her reminds this over and over again when others wish to label me not the right catholic , not the good enough catholic and the worse that it is bad to even be a catholic . Howhorrid people can be to instill such a lie upon another !

She reminds me how much I am loved and in turn I can then share my light His light to help others see what has been given them so they too come to know how loved they are .

So I wish to share with You 3 readings that really hit home & remind me never to leave someone feeling they are not good enough or not loved .

amen

Mother Teresa reading Jan. 19th

( this is extra special to me as it is my birthdate as well )

There is much suffering in the world

physical,material,mental.

The suffering of some can be blamed on the greed of others.

The material and physical suffering is suffering from hunger, from

homelessness, from all kinds of diseases.

But the greatest suffering is being lonely, feeling unloved, having no one.

I have come more and more to realize that it is being unwanted that

is the worst disease that any human being can ever experience .

I read this reading after I'd been praying for a young person who's parent is in denial about the abuse that the other parent has instilled upon the children . It brings home again how imperative it is to deal with and show children we really will risk our own pain in order to help them and protect them .What real love of a parent is .When a aprent remains constant and stable this gives children reassurance and they grow as confident individuals . When we have parents who they themselves are lost , have not dealt with issues of abuse , go off drinking , trying to be 25 instead of 45 , joining groups , cults , trends to try and be cool , this shows the children no stable example .Our actions & behaviours are passed on to our children .

Mother Teresa reading Feb.12th

For Parents : Vast regions of the world are covered by spiritual deserts .

There you will find young people marked by human abandonment , the result

of broken relationships which affect them to their very depths.

Even when they are thirsting for a spiritual life , many of the young are afflicted by doubt .

They are unable to place their confidence in God, to believe ,

since they have not found confidence in those to whom life had entrusted them.

Seperations have wounded the innocence of their childhood or adolesence.

The consquences are scepticism and discouragement.

What's the use of living ? Does life still have meaning ?

Today I prayed I remain small I wish my God to be great .

Let me only be noticed in order to pass on His true light .

Let me help others come to know how they are loved .

Momma T of course reassured me yet once again in today's reading

Feb. 16th

People today are hungry for love,

which is the only answer to loneliness and great poverty.

In some countries there is no hunger for bread. But people are suffering

from terrible loneliness, terrible despair, terrible hatred, feeling unwanted,

helpless, hopeless.

They have forgotten how to smile, they have forgotten the beauty of human touch.

They are forgetting what is human love .

They need someone who will understand and respect them .

Teaching Real Love Imperative

2011-02-15T20:40:00.000-08:00

I have had a lot of traffic on my blog lately to one particular post .The post on Helping Survivors heal & move on . So I thought I shall link these two because they really do go together .

This post actually began with me wishing to write about the commandment of Honuor / Obey Thy parents . Then with further meditation it of course produced the need to pass on and educate other the issue of whom true parents / caregivers are & the truth of what Real & True Love is .

It is non love which those who have been abused have expereinced . For those who were abused and then told it was love this can bee even more dramatic and wtisted abuse to get over then those of us who were out and out treated like crap .

I in fact was in fact a very obedient child . In my fathers twisted version of love .I was asked to take my clothes off , I obeyed , told to lour children to play our naked games , I obeyed . I followed his instuctions since infancy . I obeyed and then get this I was then labeled bad bad bad !

Yesterday I was remembering the group home I lived in , in the late 70's . How there was a staff member who was making arrangements to adopt a young girl 14yo . He was really having sex with her every chance he could . The woman who ran the home who later was shut down knew and she handled it by sending the girl away !

I can report that girl is now a loving mother of many but only after yrs of addiction , dealing with social services etc.

Those of us who have dealt with incest know this is also the case with us , the family member abusing us often tells us they love us. This is most often where the idea that sex is love comes into play.

Sex in itself is not love sex is a sacred gift given to us as poart of a Holy union . The sacred & scientific purpose of sex is to produce life ~ sacred life .

I was a believer in life when I was a non Christian & a Christian .There are pagan prolifers just as there are Christian prolifers ☺

sex is given to us not for a feel good or for self gratification . It 's purpose being the production of life , to create life and care for life is the ultimate responsiblity . The most important role on earth is to be caregiver of life & that sustains us the gifts of creation .

For me the importance to pass on to children and survivoes of abuse , addiction dysfunctioanl families etc. is to stop the cycle .

The cycle continues to teach denial , non truth and not true love .

To teach and instill in children they are loved by God is so so important .The reality is because not all of us will have loving birth parents & caregivers .

Even if we do have caring role models they are not always going to be perfect , fully loving all the time either . God is a constant trust . never not there . even if we make those wrong choices He never asks us to carry guilt . We are merely asked to be open , humble & bendable .To be able to acknowldge when we have been wrong .

Abusive people wish us to carry thier guilt and try and instill we are somehow pure bad . Unfortunatly often society has helped that stigma along .

The other important thing is to educate our children about this .That there are people some who will appear to be in roles of holiness, power , status who will harm us . Who will even try and say they are with God and God does not love us . It is imperative we get it across to children what the truth is ! That we are forever loved always . !

This is a big breakthrough for survivors as well to see the lie that these people tell and pass on , often many of us have beleived this lie and walked through life feeling less then .

Wanting to be unnotticed and a nothing for God so He can be great is very different then feeling you are a nothing !

It is importnat to pass on how no for some of us our parents were not our parents . God is truly our parent & Mary our mother .

For me as a Christian this is very important . People are weak but God is always there .

However for Christians and non even if we are athiests . It is important to see that not everyone who comes across our path will have been someone who was wishing to harm us . Even if it was the lady at the post office who smiled and talked to you for 10min or a little child you helped catch his cat , or the teacher you had in 4th grade who loved your poem . There will have been people throughout our lives who shared and that sharing is true and real and it is love , love comes in many forms , sex is just one peice of that .

Love is giving , compassion , empathy , undetsanding , warmth , strength .....

When we heal and learn real love we will learn that No is also a part of that real love . It may appear harsh but it is not a harmful or mean spirited harsh it is a strong corageous love ☺

The best loving thing we can do for our abusers is talk about and get them noticed so they can be helped .

This is how I honour my True parents ☺

Following

2011-02-09T06:23:00.000-08:00

Following

left home with fears passed on

Following siblings and a manmade guru

stuck in the illusion of comfort in middle class society

Hiding fear and Burden heavy

lesson arrives , learning to follow One in all

Light surrounds, self may trust, much surrender comes

Strength enters and a leader independent he becomes

In Him , with Him & Through Him

amen

Deception ~living in denial believing a lie

2011-02-04T11:48:00.000-08:00

I've been really struggling with the denial and out and out non truth some people live in.
I'd been hoping & praying a woman I know would realize the partner she is with is not her man , not her soul ate and in fact she is only with him because she felt he needs fixing . She chose him because he is like her father. A father who was alcoholic .She in fact has a hatred for men . pASSED ON TO HER FROM HER MOTHER . This man once said he would slit the throat of her son. Well he intended it as a joke . what kind of a joke is that anyway ?he had to even in his twisted mind if it was a joke had to have invisoned slitting the throat of that boy ! who laughs at that joke ? someone so full of pain , sorrow hurt from childhood .They would choose that man over that child .
How can that child feel they are loved ? Now even if that parent says they love that child that child will not beleive that . They will see the non truth in it becaes it is a lie .
When people choose to be with an abuser even when all the signs are there , even when they have been warned by others that they and thier children are in harms way . This damages children . It messes them up to beleive lies & denial as truth and to pretend the real truth does not exist .
iT IS JUST MESSED UP .
tHIS WAS WHY i HAD TO SAY nO TO j IN THE END. SHE IGNORED the signs of abuse that were there , are there and remain no matter all the covering up, move across country , buy things , change religions . all of the abuse still remains it never went away.
I saw her behaviour of self centeredness , arrogance mocking others, wishing to fit in and be cool arise again. I can't stand that J it is who she was whenever with her abuser focusing on serving self not others and aquiring things . Pretending abuse did not happen.
I miss the J who when with the man she did not choose to be with she was encouraged , she loved God so much she lived for God not self. She gave instead of trying to aquire . She longed to be a missionary midwife her true calling . I miss that J deeply and pray each day she will remember to whom would she pray when her ds was in hospital , who would sh turn to when on her death bed ?
She knows the answer would be Jesus ☺
I know what I see in these women is my own mother . They react to abuse in the same way she did . Battered woman syndrome . Yes they all had been and were victimized .They have no idea they are not victims now ! They have choice !
I know excatly what it is like to know your children are being abused !
I know the guilt attached , I know they feel that if they own thier part in the whole cycle they feel somehow they are bad that others ill few them as pure bad . Well even if that is the case is it not worth the risk to acknowldge the abuse to help your children ? You claim you'd die for your children yet cannot admit they have been abused ? Forgiving oneself means seeing yourself as a whole person . You are not pure bad or good. We do wrong things , make wrong choices all the time sometimes we hide out of fear and it keeps us from doing the right thing .
It is never ever to late . never .
I had to do it. I had to step up when I learned our children were abused. I believed .I had to . I always will beelive children and the signs of abuse .
It hurt .I may not have remembered my own abuse but the signs were all there .
I cannot enable people to play pretend when it comes to abuse. I will not pretend a couple is beautiful when they are not.
It is hard because ultimately I am labeled bad friend . shunned . rumors said with no proof .
I keep walking , it hurts but pain passes . I am here in real truth .
amen

It's been to long excuse ~ I don't get it

2011-01-29T19:34:00.000-08:00

No I don't . I just don't get the rational behind the excuse used in courts that its been to long so therefore we cannot claim abuse experiences. That is because there is absolutely nothing rational about it ! It is just another show of ignorance by those who just don't get it .

Well I don't get their way of thinking at all in this supposed educated world & society and the experts are supposed to know how to help those who survived this abuse !

I was reading one of my fav blogs Confessions of an Ojibwey

and he has a post written about a case regarding Inuit / Eskimo children being taken from the home and their claim in courts .

The reasoning for it not to be valid anymore is it has been to long !

Ok it is known that children who are abused often store the memories of that abuse in our subconscious ! It is a known fact that these memories often do not resurface until yrs. & yrs. later .

Does that mean it did not happen ! ?

Does that mean that just because we are no longer children and cannot be abused any longer that other children today in the here and now should not be protected ? !

Ok now I just heard on CBC radio the other day a man talking who is in charge of tracking down , finding & hopefully bringing to be prosecuted nazi war criminals !

What if we were to say to all those survivors of the Holocaust it is to late . It was so long ago we will not bring charges against those who harmed and tortured you .

My dh says it is not the same . I do say it is exactly the same . We know reality of how many victims a predator of children will have . We know the abuse of children is in fact torture . We in fact know the effects are just as horrific for those children as it was for victims of war crimes . Imagine this is children 2-12 yrs old . Even infants as young as 3months are raped . Is that not torture ?

So no I don't believe it is to late .and

I just don't get it !

I really can't say much more as the stupidity of the human race really showed itself in this one far to much for me to think about it for to long .

Tampico Girl

2011-01-29T18:49:00.000-08:00

This was a poem I wrote many yrs ago when I began my healing jopurney in regards to abuse. I remembered a young girl of 12-14 yrs we passed in a hurried state one night in Tampico MX. Our eyes had locked and I stopped , we just stared at each other. My dh pulled me to continue on . There was something about the girl I stopped me dh I wanted to tell him we need to go back and get her . But how ? but why ? had he asked me back Then I could not have answered . It was not until I had the memory reservice in regards to my own healing did I myself know the why.
So this poem is in memory of her and all those Tampico girls out there . I know & I believe and there is someone out there in the world who does have true & real love for You , I do ☺

Tampico Girl

Night rushing, search for motel room

Hot Mexican concrete

Tampico girl on metal bar stool

Exploited child I know your eyes

Husband rushing , children on hands, baby on hip

Turn back, eyes lock , much dirt will come

Clean in the heart of God

Exploited child is the seal that binds us

Hands reaching stretching gently hands of Lupita guide me

I have taken you with me Tampico girl

In my heart & not forgotten

The Stalker

2010-12-20T09:10:00.000-08:00

I've had this post in my head for several weeks but with us not being online & library time limited to an hr. each session it is really a bummer for time !

I do think perhaps it is an appropriate time as I have no photo options using a public computer and is that not just the image of a stalker . Like a shadow !

the issue of stalking is nothing new in our lives ! I also felt the need to point out what a true & real stalker is capable of doing !

As I mentioned people such as an ex friend from NM who I wasn't catholic enough for visiting my blog to check on me is not stalking . J wishing to be me and claiming my spiritual experiences as her own may be annoying , irritating & down right petty but that is not stalking !

We all have been in the place where we have wished to be someone else ! In a world that constantly bombards us that we are just not quite good enough it is easy to get caught up into wanting what others have and not seeing our own true & beautiful gifts .

No I felt called to right the clarity so people will know the true danger of a stalker . The purpose of a stalker is harm ! To harm another . Filled with resentments , anger & rage usually.

Child predators are stalkers .

My father is a a stalker . He will plan which child to assault & harm . These people plan how to connect and rape children be they in their lives here or when taking a vacation abroad !

The movie the Lovely Bones was a very good image of how my fathers mind works . I just wish they had also chosen to show how these people also work together as well as on their own .

I felt prompted to write this as I was remembering back to 7 yrs ago when the stalker who was connected to my father & his pedophile group came into our lives . This man & his friends stalked us online via my home school message boards , etc. then entered our lives via homeschooling . Then gradually distracted the parents isolating one child . Working very quickly . Telling the child in secret all the time the parents were bad , we were not good parents , how they would set up an apartment for the child . They would take the child on trips etc. This all happened very quickly within a 3 month time period !

If it had not been for the closeness of a sibling relationship & the trust of a Mothers instincts our child was destined to be taken across the border ! We even had to hide our child at a friends home for 3 days as the stalker tried to contact our child over and over again !

Restraining orders do nothing in terms of this type of person . When we were long finished with this monster who we now know also gave our child the date rap drug was out of our lives returned 8 months later on our street in his car ! My 1then 18yo dd saw him too ! he had no fear in him at all when we looked him straight in the face and I do believe the only reason he stopped was the other perverts felt they were all at risk and they told him to back off !

I can also say the only reason these people have let up on us is the only reason We are believed !

We have legitimate people around us who believe our whole & very truthful story !

This person who stalked us moved 4 times within a one yr. period so he is very hard to trace .We believe he and a group of them moved into the BC area again . Of course I also had to as I wrote before deal with the issue of people like my brother & his biker gang wanting to harm this stalker ! They would have succeeded had the fellow not moved . As I mentioned my father had two of his na**la type friends murdered so they know the risk they take when stalking & raping a child . Really there is no way to track these people they cover for each other , move etc. The only way to prevention is to be aware and protect ourselves.

As I felt called to write this we have and I am very scared for a close family member who is at risk and has been and is being stalked !

My dh also came home from work on Thursday last week to say his co-workers girlfriend had been murdered by her ex . This happened also to my mothers co-worker at the hospital . These people follow and watch and plan how to & often do succeed at harming others .

This is real . I know this may sound like not much to be hopeful about and it is really a post to tell us to be cautious once again & prudent not fearful . We cannot control the actions of others but

we can take steps to keep safe . If we are aware instead of walking around blindly then some prevention can happen .

Have locks changed if your ex has moved out . Have good lighting set up outside your home . Get a good dog to help be a companion and also a early warning signal if danger is near . Take a self defence class for personal safety I did this in high school & still practice some of the methods taught .

When parked at night try and park in well lit areas . When leaving a building have friends walk you out if possible to the bus or your vehicle . The cell phone is a big bonus in the case of protecting one self ! Have 911 & friends on speed dial.

Just as we give our children a pass word in regards to safety give yourself one with a trusted friend .

I also will include in here , pray ! Prayer does work when it comes to protection !

I ask for prayers for our family at this time & I as you know pray You all keep safe

Blessed Be

amen

A Kind of Catholic

2010-11-19T07:41:00.000-08:00

It is no big news to those who know me that I believe that God wishes people to come and be together rather then point out how we are bad , wrong & not the right type of catholic that is just like me , you , him her etc. I love to find the sameness in all cultures and religions to teach others how Creator made everyone & in fact gave knowledge and spiritual Godliness to all peoples . To make assumptions all catholics need behave in European mannerisms , dress as Europeans , education should be European or western is not of God . One does not need purchase statues , drive a car , live in a bungalow and wear long dresses to be a catholic / christian . To some like myself the closer I get to God the simpler I become and do not need man made or bought items to express my spirituality . The beautiful polished stone in my pocket from the shores of lake Superior is just as much my religious jewelry as the OLMC medal or scapular I wear. In fact it is even more so because it was made by the natural cycle the Creator uses to mold and make everything thing on this earth . The piece of willow I use as a statue represents Mary & I did not leave a carbon footprint on the planet in order to have this . I think the most beautiful gift which comes of free will is that to believe . I love G.K Chesterton but I disagree in his statement
" When a Man stops believing in God he doesn¹t then believe in nothing, he believes anything "

frankly belief is a gift  it can be wonderful & enlightening leaving us in truth  or it can be dangerous and lead us into denial . Just like any other gift if not used with discernment & prudence yes it can lead us on a not so beautiful journey. Especially when it comes to abuse / addiction etc.
I think the gift to believe in anything is beautiful because it leaves the door open to believe a Creator such as God can create a little spider as well as a fairy . Another big bonus with this gift of belief is being able to have conversion . Belief can change as denial lifts & truth becomes clear .
Conversion & belief can never be forced upon another nor bullied by instilling guilt or fear. I feel many people who are missionaries be they pagan or Christian have missed the whole meaning of the term missionary (yes there are a ton of pagan missionaries out there ) it merely means messenger . One who gives a message . A missionary is a teacher just passing on information . It is then up to the student (disciple ) to believe that information or not . Being a good missionary be you christian , Hindu , pagan , Wiccan , Muslim etc. if we have done our job well others will see the Creator working in us & through us and therefore may experience conversion and that is all nothing else .
     All is possible with God and I love how he did not give us in his explanation of self an answer in a human term he responded with I AM nothing more or less . Just just is in fact it is human beings that wish to place a sex upon God .When God can be Father , Mother & everything in between . God just is . ~ I AM . We all have difference and I feel God does not ask us to ignore these either just as the sameness . Yet does not ask us to label someone who is different as bad bad . See that person as a whole & not all differences are faults or sin . We are all unique individuals & therefore different . Yet same as well.
As I've written before we need see each other as a whole person . In regards to abuse & having forgiveness for our abusers . This is a big big step . I believe forgiveness cannot come until we have acceptance of that person on a whole . I've no idea who is the better catholic , the best catholic , the holiest catholic the right catholic . I do not believe for one minute God would ask me to sort out catholics & decided this in fact I believe in doing so I'd not be the catholic  I've been created to be ☺

A Kind of Catholic

Religious Tolerance

Different types of Catholic

Traditional Catholic

Liberal Catholic Church

Progressive Catholic

Homesteading Catholics

Eastern Orthodox Catholic

Orthodox Catholic

Celtic Catholic

Catholic Culture

Catholic Worker

Gay Catholic

Aboriginal Catholic

Catholic Skateboarders

Catholic Conservation

Sharing Joy

2010-11-18T06:27:00.000-08:00

Don't You just love this little Dolly ☺ !

I received her the other day along with several other beautiful enchanting dolls from a friend whom I've recently reconnected with .

Her name is Joy & I wish to share with you how her soul connection is such a gift to me & as in her name she does pass on Joy to others .

I was going to write a post last week all about behaviour manifestation & addiction .

It was spawned by a statement made by J and her family . It was very hurtful and of course God once again showed me how this behaviour was just another manifestation of any of her other unhealthy behaviours when deep in alcoholism , anorexia ,OCD etc. if we don't treat what is hurting us deep inside that pain will manifest outwardly and we begin to try all kinds of things to cover it up .Including mocking & laughing at others.

She and her family were calling me a stalker ! I was so hurt . Yes I'm curious to how her children are doing especially the children who I warned her are & have developed addictions to crack , meth & alcohol . Her children who have indeed repeated the cycle by choosing to be with abusers just like their father.

Well truth is I Could not stop loving J and her children just because I cannot be with her and I never was asked to stop loving her . One cannot turn off love and I am doing exactly what I am asked to do by our Creator have love for all within my heart ! I was very upset because I indeed was just going to write about our experience with a real stalker ! Who in fact harmed one of our children & left our family living in fear. That she would compare me to that is , well yes just out of her hurt I know .Then I was shown how J and her family visit my blogs just as I was looking at her children's (adult ) fb pics which were public and as well were my children's friends even my friends on fb . The pictures are all public unless you make them private ! The only difference here is I am admitting my pain in not being with J she is not she instead wishes to harm me because she as I mentioned feels I do not love her because I said no. I merely told her I was seeing the same behaviour as when she she was 14yo drinking , running away etc. the same behaviour as when she choose to stay with an abuser & sell pot instead of go with the man who supported her & become a midwife , becoming wiccan ( people can look up religion as an addiction / manifestation if they like ) going off & taking spiritual advice from a mentally ill person who thinks there is a crow in his head just so your children will feel you are cool etc. in fact the behaviour I saw was just like my mother & J's mil so I know this behaviour very well as does she . Why I chose to stop the cycle and she chose to repeat it I don't know but it made her mad ,this I know . It was like she wanted all I had but somehow didn't feel she needed to do the work . I re-read the letter I wrote J almost 4 yrs ago saying goodbye & why. Wow nothing changed it is all true ! I am a good wonderful friend ☺

So I stopped . I realized this week I was in fact focusing on J and everything she was not doing . I'm worrying about issues which I have no control over such as her partner who hurt both she & their children doing it to their grandchildren . Well I cannot control that . The more I worry the worse I get . This is not of God !

worry is not of God.

So even though our children are fb friends I am no longer looking at the pics . I am instead choosing to pray !

So as I've mentioned before whenever I have felt I may have been a bad friend just as in the relationship with my father I used to feel I was a bad daughter . No God shows me to whom my friendship is with . always . In Sept. I was reconnected with an old chum who had moved up north with her family . She and I hung out with all the same chums into homebirth healthy living etc. way back when . Well she lives here again and she has a teenager the same age as our ds14 ! This was just as I was questioning my qualities as a friend God backs me up ☺

Then same thing 2-3 weeks ago I received an email from Joy another old friend from this very same circle whom I have connected with . Joy returned to her homeland of OZ all those yrs ago and we could not get together any longer . Well internet is a blessing is it not ☺Joy wrote me that she felt I am an inspiration and full of joy too ☺ exactly how I feel about her ! She also wanted to send me a little something . Joy is an artist and she makes the most beautiful gifts . This past week when I was feeling so very extremely low what should arrive in the mail !

Look at all these wonderful little ones ! Honestly I cannot believe some of the stitching on these ! Joy must not have granny eyes like I do as her work is so delicate . She was famous for her hand stitched quilts here in Canada so I am not surprised she has come up with more sewing creations .

When we are healing and on the right path God is often very gentle with us in helping us to stay strong . Our creator knows the pain & the hard work it will take . This is why there are always little joy filled healthy beautiful affirmations along the way and they always come from healthy beautiful sources ☺

We are off to another wonderful day with friends today in our homeschool group and I am so happy to share my/ our Joy with you ☺

Blessed Be

amen

Saying goodbye to J

2010-11-09T11:14:00.000-08:00

anam cara

Last week I posted about grieving & loss how in the context of abuse & how this can often include letting go of those who are still in the here & now in the living world .

Yet loss & grieving of those we need to let go of is exactly like grieving someone we have lost through death .

J said it felt like a separation or divorce for her but no .It is like death of a loved one .

I am reminded this autumn season of J because truly this is the time of yr. I was asked to let her go & say goodbye . Even though I did not have the courage to do so until late winter . It was this time of yr. I felt once again drained & was asked to say No to our harmful relationship

I knew why because I was drained constantly while with her . Her pain is so deep & many people who are in need of healing & don't know it haven't a clue this is what the effect can be on others .

I knew also because I kept getting the feelings & emotions reminding me " this feels like when we were 15 yo " I looked back to our past & it was . It was the same feelings & relationship of 28 some yrs before ! We'd had this same on going thing since we were 14 & 15 yo and back then how she wanted and insisted on calling me Mom . So what else is new I made the choice to partake . This is as in almost all my other relationships . I felt being a loving / caring person meant helping to cover & hide peoples pain in the way by giving them whatever they ask for ! I was one of the biggest enablers out there ! She wanted me to be her moth & take on that role . In her eyes & those of many other troubled youth love meant give me whatever I ask for !

I also know this is why I kept being reminded of our time in MX and I had felt the need to watch her constantly because of her drinking . I once again tried to take on that parent role she wished me to be . I tried to say no but did not stay strong very long . I also needed much healing & could not see the enabling to cover her pain I was partaking in .I just did not see that her drinking was not my responsibility ! In fact if I had been truly caring I should've called CPS to intercede !

well I am not her Mother !

I finally got it . Being a sister friend yes . In fact I do believe we are Anam Cara soul & heart .Yet for whatever reason I was asked to leave her alone and more importantly let go & keep her away from myself & family. I needed to grow & heal & also see my role in partaking .

This saying No was one of the best steps & choices I took in all my relationships .

I was hurt & grieving for close to 4 yrs . It takes the time .

Yet when it became clear she wished for me to enable her once again denying abuse within her own family and go out & smoke cigarettes together instead of praying together . I knew it was time . That is why I was shown those past experiences where the same harmful enabling relationship took place .

Since saying no I have grown and learned . I have reconnected with soul sisters & great teachers .

I of course believe there shall & may be a time we are reunited but it will be when denial does not exist etc.

At first I beat myself up because there was so much guilt connected to this letting go. As in all abusive relationships we may feel guilt that we are somehow bad for saying No. Her partner the abuser did this labeled me the bad one just as all the others who abused me did and even if we know in our healing & grieving process intellectually that this is a lie & not true . knowing & belief are two very separate states . Of course I came as my heart healed to see this person is just like any other abuser in my life . He manipulates , controls is pushy & bossy and wishes to lay blame & guilt which is his own on anyone else but himself .

I felt guilt for my poor choices in our relationship that I made & took part in. I most felt guilt I had indeed exposed our children to all this abuse & I taught them how to then be enablers ! Only in my ownership of these wrong choices did that guilt lift away and turn into acceptance & understanding .

It took me these yrs to get that guilt that did not belong to me out. It took me time to clear my mind , body & spirit from that toxic junk just as with any abusive situation . I then saw the beautiful teacher I was for J . That saying No was the healthiest & most loving gesture I could pass on to her ☺

I no longer accept the blame or guilt but accept her choices to stay in abusive situations & relationships .

I just have to have faith that my teachings will remain & someday help her to also be just as strong in saying No & take on healthy choices seek therapy & heal .She deserves healing love just as we all do .

She deserves a mother who truly can give her the parent / caregiver she always needed .

It still hurts but I see the truth and no longer believe the lies of denial.

I do not doubt the Creator may have us meet again but my acceptance has shown me this may not happen here in this world it may not be until we have long since left this earth . When and if we are reunited it shall be on the Creators terms , not hers nor mine ☺

One day she shall truly see , know & believe the true & real meaning of real love & I am indeed her anam cara

I know my heart & soul shall heal yet in more time . I can only be open & honest and experience that true trust of what the Creator has in store for me ☺

Blessed Be

amen

Grieving , Loss & Pain

2010-11-03T09:25:00.000-07:00

Some topics just take time to write . Some times a topic seems so overwhelming I just need to wait until I have enough strength to give myself that push to go into it . Once there then I'm pretty much ok and can go on and fill space with my thoughts & feelings , knowledge on the subject ☺

Ok that is get this ! Exactly how the grieving process is and should be ! The biggest key ingredient in grieving & dealing with loss and pain is Time !

Yes the #1 item you will need to dedicate to healing from loss and experiencing pain is your time . Patience is the key virtue ☺

At first of course I questioned what can I write ? I'm not a therapist ? blah blah blah . duh

A life time of learning growing , healing & dealing . Experiences of grief , loss & pain . !I also love therapy & good counsel !

Yes I can write about this !

The #1 step in dealing and grieving & healing of course is acknowledgement .That means be real with ourselves and those around us !

Acknowledge we have pain , that we are experiencing loss and let ourselves grieve . Give ourselves time and permission to go through everything we need to experience in order to get through it .

Every single person on this planet has experienced loss & grieves. Again what is important is how we respond & choose to deal with this loss & pain .

Being open saying it hurts & I don't know what to do is big !

In a society that encourages us to hide our pain by partaking in all sorts of things such as materialism to bring us happiness , drink , take a smoke , go away etc.

There are many who will be there to enable us in hiding our pain . It will be the strong person we need to have with us who will be there to provide comfort while we acknowledge our pain .

One friend of mine who lost his mother said it took him close to 7 yrs before he was not feeling pain . In the end we remember but it does not hurt .

I have experienced pain of miscarriage , loss of friends & family members to suicide & drugs , loss of grandparents and some of my most painful grieving is loss of those here still today .

I met an old acquaintance this past winter . I told him letting go of the relationship with a shared acquaintance someone I called friend for 28 yrs and soul sister was like experiencing a death . I had to grieve and it would take time . much time to heal . You cannot just stop loving a person , caring for another . This is often the case and will happen when we become healed regarding abuse & addiction . We will have to say goodbye to some we have held onto . At times the relationships are very abusive & negative . I as I've shared before had to say goodbye to my own sibling in regards to the family abuse . It is very difficult as we do have love in our hearts and out souls will ache when that goodbye comes .

Saying goodbye to that harmful relationship is often laden with feelings of guilt . That we do not somehow love that person .If we did how could we say goodbye ? That is just it just as loosing a loved one in death there is no difference we are just called to say goodbye at that point and it is a great love indeed that can have the strength to do so ☺

There is no escape . We just have to go through it .

I tell people therapy & workshops are wonderful . We must not place upon ourselves and others though that healing will come in a weekend . or overnight . Healing is gradual . It comes in pieces and is continual like learning is .

We use the helpful tools given in therapy to help us go on and deal in everyday life . We learn to use these tools to help us make positive choices & develop healthy behaviours .

Take all experience as a learning tool even the negative ones ☺

We lost a friend 2 yrs ago now . the husband of my dear friend . I cannot imagine the life the grief etc. of loosing my spouse . Yet I value being a part of the experience for I see how the journey is . My friends expediences help me just as I am there for her .

So there is no right way to grieve & heal each of us is a unique individual & aside from being open to receiving & giving of self your time & practicing patience . Allowing others to help and accepting help .there is not much more we can do . Just acknowledge and allow it to happen don't try and hide . that is real & simple enough isn' t it ☺

( picture via Audrey Silverma- Foote )

Blessed Be

amen

Forgiveness Healing Victim & Abuser

2010-11-02T08:55:00.000-07:00

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom Anais Nin

I've had the topic of healing the abuser floating around in my head for weeks now . Then the topic of forgiveness which goes with this so much has been popping up a lot at Chicks with Scars .In thinking of the abuser and their healing & restorative justice this often will also involve those who have been subject to the abuse , experiences , events etc. so I guess I'm kinda lumping it in all together as all issues are interwoven . In the aboriginal society this is what I love , justice , medical , spiritual are all connected and not seperate from each other . The holy man works with the medicine herbal healer etc. For me being true to self & in order to heal I have to be at peace within my heart no conflict and if and when conflict does arise I must find non aggressive ways to deal with them this includes abusive people ! I learned being assertive has nothing to do with being a pushy bossy controlling bully . It merely means having the strength & confidence to stand up and speak ones mind openly without expectation ☺ I feel through social justice we can find the means to do this .

So the quote , that is my all time fav quote for a survivor of abuse ! Yes that is what happened ! A day came my fear to not speak to stay hidden , stay in denial , stay playing pretend just because people wanted me to was over !

I would risk my life to save another in regards to this issue . There is no question for me . I do not control the choices , actions of my abusers ! wow !

This was one big step in healing when I realized the guilt I had in me was not my own it was that of my abusers ! I had no control over them raping me ! I had no choice ! They were the adults in the situation , they took the steps to harm others . So if I as a child had no part in my abuse .I was not the one doing the hurting ! In the twisted relationship of abuse often we those who were victimized are led to believe we are the ones who made the bad / poor choices ! Nope ! Not ! so if I had no control over them then . get this I still have no control over them today . In fact my abuser is no different in my thinking as a victim .He believe he has no choice he believes he has to do this . In some cases these people even have twisted it that they love some of their victims . He( they , abusers ) has choice and has choice to stop , change , receive help just as we do . I cannot control if they wish to harm me or my family for speaking out . This is the choice we came to as a family . the fear is gone we will not be silent .

So I go on . I step out of the bud emerge as a bright and beautiful flower I am created to be ☺

When I first began remembering my own abuse I was very cautious whom to approach and talk to but felt it was the time . I was open to who God would send me to speak to .

He sent me just who I needed . I went to a church I'd never been to before . It was empty the priest was there alone . He was just covering while the other priest was away studying . I shared with him my thoughts and feelings. I had this issue . anger ! I knew and felt being who I am I did not wish to be angry .I felt I was bad to be angry . I felt it wrong . I wanted to have forgiveness . Not wish to harm or punish my abusers .

He was so kind and gentle I remembered how there are priests who have heard it all especially those who work in prisons etc. He told me of people his friends who'd been in the holocaust how they came to forgive . It was very simple . Just ask God to forgive them because you can't right now . wow . I had permission not to forgive when I couldn't . lol imagine that ! In Gods time not mine ☺ perhaps .

I began praying this , then I began to pray for my abuser & abusers . I have had to deal with two types of sexual abuse and they are indeed quite seperate at times because of the issue of parental role model . Incest & sexual abuse were both big areas to deal with in my life & the lives of family members .

Little steps . Healing does not come in a weekend . Forgiveness does not mean forgetting nor does it mean we will not be mad . I learned that anger is not harmful it is not sinful it is what we do with anger that turns it into harmful response .

So do I get angry , pissed , ticked off . You bet I do ! when I see & know injustice . I get just as mad as Jesus did in that market set up outside the temple . If anger was sin then that'd make Jesus a sinner wouldn't it ?

Emerging from that bud one of the biggest changes in self was that of beleif . Retrurning to know that I had choice in what I beleive and do not beleive . ! I no longer beleived I was bad . It was a lie and I had the choice to no longer partake in that lie !

As I healed my relationship for me with those people like my abuser changed . As I could become me Rox the whole person I saw them as whole people as well .

I see the why people make the choices they do. I come to accept people for who they are .

I have empathy & understanding even for a monster .

We all are capable of being abusive and have been ! Saying something hurtful , being a bully , wishing to push back and have others see our way , control a situation that is not ours to control , how about partaking in denial ? I was the biggest enabler of all in my family and some really harmful friendships ( that were not friends at all ) partaking in denial and playing pretend , covering peoples pain instead of letting them deal with it is abuse ! . We've all been there every single person . This is why I feel it so important to stress on people that ones religion , racial background , economic status , educational status have nothing to do with a person being abusive . Abusive people merely use these as excuses to abuse .

I as I could see and accept my faults . I could see how my abusers were not pure evil . even if they do not believe it or society . No one is pure evil . My abuser may be a rapist but he is a wonderful gardener . He is a sociopath and very dangerous and I view he needs to always be watched . Monitored just as we do all dangerous people who can be a harm to themselves and others .

Seeing people as a whole means we do not pretend faults are not there . I was thinking of how so many people are defensive especially those who view themselves as victims . How we feel if anyone points out a fault in us we are being judged . Are we? Or is it merely acknowledgement of a piece of who we are ?

Acknowledgement of weakness & fault is not judging in my view .

What if we did not acknowledge the faults of abusers ? Well we know full well where that has led us into ! An epidemic of child sexual abuse ! No we have to acknowledge our faults as a part of the whole . Now if I have expectation an abuser should acknowledge and be acknowledged for his/her faults but am I not to acknowledge my own ?

This makes me think then in regards to abusers of children healing . what would it take ? when a society is based on punishment , labeling someone pure evil . Would you be willing to walk up and own what you have done . or choose to hide ?

I look at the role of the partner who married an abuser . A person who abused them & their children . Look how hard it is for a person to own & admit they had choice to leave to acknowledge the abuse was going on . We all know how often partners of abusers do not acknowledge abuse was going on and how in fact this is in itself a form of abuse called neglect .

So how on earth is an abuser going to take the steps to come forward . I do believe most abusers do know what they are doing is wrong . Even if they are receiving pleasure , control etc. deep inside they do know this is wrong . Most like my father were abused just as I was , there is no way if he were able to go back to being that child he would say he was happy to be abused . He knows deep inside how horrid he as a 7yo boy felt .

I do believe people like him have the choice to heal just as I did . Do I believe he can be trusted with children , never . I also feel a person a pedophile truly healed would know that and be willing to take the steps to partake in not being near children .

I honestly can't say what it would take to heal my main abuser or the others because non have been .

To this date of all those I was exposed to they continue to live this lifestyle . abusing , raping covering up , sharing children etc. I know there are programs run though John Howard etc.

I know of restorative justice because of my brother being in the prison system and from learning about healing on the Hollow Water reservation , literature via MCC & my mother . If my brother deserves healing does his abuser not deserve it too ?

I believe in it but I cannot heal my abuser . I can be here for anyone to help be a support in their healing process but I cannot be the one to take their steps , their journey . They have to become strong enough to emerge from the bud and bloom into the beautiful flower they are created to be .

I cannot say enough how important it is to connect with others who have been on a healing journey as well . We share , we come from all different places in our journeys . A whole new world emerges as we emerge from our bud ☺

I believe healing is for all people it is not for a few . I long to pass on to other survivors so they can one day be strong to help just one child be safe .

Blessed Be

amen

Your Holy/Sacred Day

2010-10-20T01:14:00.000-07:00

Fullmoon again ! growing keeping me up !

Was thinking about my holy & sacred day again . Of course everyday should be holy perhaps however This is a day I decided a few yrs. back is my day . Given to me & I own it for myself . I do not always take the time every single Thursday for myself but when I am down , burntout or sick when I am reminded I need me time .This will most definitely be the day !

I write this not so much to talk about the how or why my day is special but to perhaps give other survivors the thought & inspiration to in fact make & crate your own holy day . Therefore I will share the why , Thursday came to be my holy day .

As a child the day in which I was most often abused by my father and those he shared me with was indeed a Thursday . This was his official day off work . Often I got to spend special time with him on these days off . It was in fact the day I most often met his circle of pedophile friends , was drugged and raped .

Quite often I wore my purple pants , shoes & jacket . I loved loved loved purple .

So for me often Thursday became a time of dread . Finally when I reached the age of puberty that abuse stopped . Of course the horrific other abuse began as I was no longer needed .

And a life goes on . Into adulthood etc.

As I began remembering my own abuse 7 some yrs ago . I found so many beautiful heps , resources , people in my healing journey . A few yrs back I was thinking of the catholic day of Holy Thursday . Why was /is it holy ? It is the day Jesus said goodbye and to catholics the last supper the day the Eucharist was established . Where holiness is present within .

I love preparing and making ready cleansing as Jesus cleansed the feet of His friends .

Giving them the Eucharist so they'd always have Him there etc.

As I meditated on this day I thought what was Thursday to me . It was a day I was most harmed as a child but now as an adult , what ?

I can take it back !

Indeed I can make it my day !

This is one of the steps in healing taking back our power from our abusers . I took my Thursday back then and there !

Well this past Sept. I was reminded again when hit with the worst head cold in 3 yrs to take my day . I went off to the second hand store and do you know what I found ? !

Purple pants ! Yes !

New purple pants I never could afford . I also never would have thought I would like purple pants . I mean I am 47 yrs after all !

I bought them on the spot ! They fit perfect !

I am a grey haired granny with purple m pants ☺

This also falls into the topic of triggers which I also want to write about again because triggers are a good thing to me in regards to my abuse so I really want to write on that at a later time .

Also on this day it just so happens it is the day I spend most often with the kids as it is their lesson days out and about with the kids . It is my time to show true & real love to children ! On a Thursday .

Doing a bit of research before I wrote this . I of course remembered that old rhyme Thursday's child .

Thursday's Child has far to go !

Well I've come along way !

There is even a child help org. that deals with teens , runaways & missing kids , yes called

Thursday's Child !

So I urge you if You are a survivor try and make that day for You , a special sacred day .

Maybe only once a month is all you need but try .

Last month the fullmoon was on a Thursday and I had all my gal pals over to do crafts !

Find special ways to treat yourself . Maybe you have a thrift store nearby that may have a treasure for you .

special items to help us feel special

special things about ourselves , I love my small feet

bare

and in boots ☺

a morning sunrise & a morning fire

a flower to see touch , smell brings joy

taking my slow time is what I need in order to be the true me ☺

giving time to our family / children is a very special way to celebrate your holy day ☺

casting out those toxic people/ relationships

2010-10-18T12:47:00.000-07:00

prayer candles

Yep its been done again ! We just went thru and came out on top once again , morally anyway !

Our family just went thru hell regarding trying to purchase a property .However thru the whole thing what kept coming back into my mind was You are not those kind of people and how no matter what we just do not base our legacy & gifts on monetary value etc. Most of society does , a person viewed better than based on material possessions , money in the bank , supposed higher education .

I guess we are a family who also knows & has the gift of discernment .We do know right from wrong we do know that things on the outside are not always what they appear to be .

true gifts have nothing to do with money ☺

Spirit just kept reminding me every time I had doubt . " You do not steal your own vehicle to collect the insurance and you do not steal from a child just to obtain hot wheels merchandise " No we just are not those kind of people . We did at one time know these people and although we did not do these things ourselves we certainly took part by remaining in a supposed friendship .

I ended up not seeing any of my true real friends for long periods of time as a result . distracted trying to save one who viewed themselves a victim who did not wish to be saved .
I had to say No . The more I healed from my abuse the more I could not stay with people like that who wanted me to enable them in addictive , abusive & harmful behaviours to themselves and others.
In healing we will not only have to cut ties with our abuser we will in fact find we will need also cut ties with those who do not believe , who continue to live in denial etc.
These relationships will most often be those we viewed as friends and yes even our own family members .
So what I remembered was how saying No is a great thing and can in the end protect ourselves , family members and others from harm .In saying No to these harmful relationships in fact opens the door to renew old and develop new relationships . Healthy ones ☺

beautiful friends are true & real gifts

Once again saying No is a big positive . It is hard because for certain we need to acknowledge our own behaviour & part in this pattern & cycle .We take responsibility for what is ours and give back that which is not ! You will also see your family grow into the healthy and positive ! Children will blossom , you will grow closer to your spouse etc.

We will see how once we felt we were bad if we did not give so called friends , family etc. what they want . That this is how society in general labels a good person and if you do not give someone what they ask for well we must somehow not love them , right ? Not !
Any true & real parent can stand up and say it takes much love to be able to say both yes and no to our children .
Children , friends etc. will not learn true love if we just give them whatever they ask for . Often that behaviour will be enabling the people to continue on . Those who have lived with alcoholics know this .That we must say no and walk away . It goes the same in any abusive relationship . I also know an alcoholic healed does not keep switching sponsors and does not decide what type of alcoholic they are , in fact if an abuser , alcoholic or any other person taking part in harmful behaviour is truly healing when they ask those effected by that behaviour what type of alcoholic they are ! Yes I know alcoholics like this who decided on their own they were a drunk but not that kind of drunk like so & so . changing sponsors whenever they would not get whatever they wanted . In fact using AA as an excuse to remain a victim !
Anyway as I went on I just was so reminded and once again I came across the article on Survivors Manual . Removing Toxic People is such a great write up , not only about toxic people but the steps we have got to take in order to do so !
I love this site .I mean just look at the title ! Inspiring & Empowering Survivors to Lead Joyful Lives ! Is that not just so so awesome & gives such hope ! It is true the joy that comes when saying NO to that which is harmful !
I wish to pass on the same thing to other survivors & of course to our children ! I know it makes a difference to them & other children us being this example . We may not appear to have much , in fact we may appear to be poor , people even assume we are stupid , ignorant & uneducated . I just smile when I come upon them . For it does not matter what material things we have aquired . For our children the fact we have worked hard have aquired no debt. have paid for our home outright , taught our children healthy choices and acknowledged when we have made the wrong ones. This is what matters , This is the legacy we leave behind .
Knowing right from wrong not being afraid to state that fact and remembering " You do not steal hot wheels cars from children "

pretty simple instructions eh ☺

Life goes on !

Blessed Be

Amen

The Power of NO & ST. Osith

2010-10-08T11:38:00.000-07:00

Oh how I wish I could write all day ! This of course will not turn out to be as long as I had in my head but shall post anyway .

This is a subject I've written about previously for survivors to learn and come to understand how to set boundaries and come to terms that NO can be a big positive in our lives when it comes to issues of abuse !

In fact when we begin our healing journey it is a given for certain we will be in fact asked to stand up and say NO especially to people & relationships which have been harmful . This will not be an easy task because more often then not this will mean family members and friends.

As we heal we discover quite often not only have we maintained a twisted abusive relationship with our abuser but also those we considered friends or close family were indeed only enabling harmful relationships helping to keep us in all types of harmful behaviours such as addictions & seeing our selves as the never ending victim . Often these people need it that was themselves because they too just like us are hiding from something painful .

Being able to say no helps put respectful boundaries in place . It helps us to make healthy lifestyle choices & also choose healthy relationships .

The power of NO is a must in order to heal ☺

As many of our friends know we had a horrid 3 weeks regarding our property search . We indeed were met with abusive people . We indeed needed to stand up and say No for our family .

In this situation we also were able to see the issue of couples who are not meant to be together . As I've said before I'm not a roman catholic (if you wish to know the type of catholic I am go to me , you & religion and if you have an issue with it take it up with God not me ☺) nor the type of catholic who believes if you are married you are meant to stay and be together forever . Or that if you have had sex and a child is the result you are meant to be together, nope ,been there done that !

So many couples are not meant to be together !! So many marry out of a vision from magazines , out of lust , out of greed , out of just choosing an abusive person because that is what they grew up with and they feel they are deserving of only an abusive relationship. Also look at the issue of a child coming out of such relationships which are incestual , rape , or lustful. Does that mean they should be together .No !

You will see couples who are not meant to be together as well all the sings of enabling , abuse & addiction are present while they are together , yet once not together the victim grows and strives .

So in the course of a week I have met 3 couples who are like this so not to be together !!!

Then yesterday I was sent this beautiful saint . ST.Osith or ST.Oysth .I read about her in my all time fav book of saints The Way of the Saints the author Tom Cowan was a Jesuit and is a scholar of Celtic religious studies .

Yesterday was the day of ST.Osith . I wish there were some pics of her to share but the only one I could find was of her well and it has a horrid grate & lock over it so I chose instead a pic of a sacred well in Ireland .which of course led me to wish to read more about Holy Wells of Ireland ☺ and start a homeschool project on diving water !!

So the story of this beautiful saint is she longed to just be in nature and pray and help others do the same . Her parents however had no such vision for their dd . They married her to a pagan chieftain but once married . She let it be known to him she truly did not wish to have sex nor be married . Short version of the story is he respected her so much in the end he gave her a piece of land and helped her build a monastery !!!

So she is for certain for couples who are not to be together yet how to get along and respect each other as individuals . Especially if children are involved !!!

I have been praying big time for her intercession !!!

That these couples be open to seeing the abusive ways . To be able to let go of that which has been harmful and was not meant to be in the first place and most of all look at themselves and own and stop any selfish or greedy behaviours which may harming the other person .

Each day I also read this day book

Simple Abundance by Sarah Ban Breathnach

Well yesterday did I never need this affirmation . Let me also say that although we are healed we will always need at times reminding in how to deal with abusive & harmful people . Because Reality is people with abusive behaviours are everywhere and we will encounter them . What is important is when we recognize this behaviour we think , " Oh , I've been thru this before . I recognize this , what worked before ( that was a positive response ) " Get this often it is saying No , walking away and choosing not to partake in the situation at all !

In fact saying No will be in fact one of the most loving gestures we can give those who we love and are abusers . If you know someone who is an alcoholic , addicted or an abuser you know this to be true . putting our hand up and saying No , stop I will not partake is an action of Love ☺

Yesterday we had a field trip out at the local nature center . I had felt horrid for loosing the piece of land . Yet we knew we had to say No.

Well just as in saying no to everything , great gifts are given and not in the way the majority of north American society sees being loved as given material possessions . I see the gifts of all my loving healthy friends who once again entered into my life and that of our family !!!

Yesterday after saying No to the abusive people I was reunited with an old gal pal from my homebirthing days ! Our two boys ran around together all afternoon !

I have this whole group of beautiful friends who make healthy choices and do not have fear of dealing with reality of abuse etc.

I can say in the abusive relationships we have a twisted view that no is bad if we say no to not giving people what they ask for or what they think they want . Well reality is saying no to someone who wants you to enable their abuse or addiction is true love and it is not bad it is very very good !

So get that into your head right now if you feel in anyway you have been a bad friend , sister , father , husband , wife , mother etc. for saying No !

It is a responsible healthy individual who knows how to discern properly & be able to know right from wrong and say yes or no in confidence ☺

Then I came home & did my reading .

I urge You to also try reading such helpful day books as this .

a few I read each day are

Simple Abundance

The Way of Saints

The Joy in Loving

China Bayles Book of Days

I shall now write the beautiful gift out of my affirmation for that day ☺

Simple Abundance Oct.7th

" Speaking the language of " no" is a good place to start in creating boundaries. "No " can be a beautiful word, every bit as "yes" writers John Robbins and Ann Mortifee declare . " Whenever we deny our need to say "no" our self-respect diminishes, " they tell us in In Search of Balance :Discovering Harmony in a Changing World " It is not only our right at certain times to say "no "; it is our deepest responsibility. For it is a gift to ourselves when we say "no" to those old habits that dissipate our energy, "no " to what robs us of our inner joy, "no " to what distracts us from our purpose. And it is a gift to others to say "no " when their expectations do not ring true for us, for in so doing we free them to discover more fully the truth of their own path. Saying "no " can be liberating when it expresses our commitment to take a stand for what we believe we truly need "

Healing with a Gentle Touch

2010-10-01T08:37:00.000-07:00

Most of You probably know already today is the feast day of that beautiful gentle soul sister Therese

I debated to even write about her today as so many already know of her and have been writing and posting . I also receive a lot of hate mail via this blog .

Yet I thought we are all drawn to and touched by people in our own way through the creator . So maybe my little story is worth sharing after all ;-)

I'd not heard of this sweet little saint before up until about 4 yrs ago . !

It was of course this time of yr. I am always called to remember to pray for little ones who are in need of protection and the need to help educate in order to prevent.

I am also always drawn to as many of You know OLG & MX this time of yr. It was a great time of healing for me there already 27 yrs ago !

This time of yr. always represents healing and moving on as well.

I found Therese via praying to OLMC of Garabanal and Padre Pio ☺

I had begun teaching catechism and the issue of best how to protect children regarding sexual abuse came up etc.

I need to pass on desperately to those children who have been abused or are at risk of abuse how very much they are loved !

Enter saint Therese. She is such an example . She helped me learn that being who I am as a pacifist that in practicing pacifism as my defence this takes far more endurance , perseverance , patience , courage & strength then walking over to someone being a pushy bossy bully & punching someone in the face !

She helped me learn and see that there is no forgiveness for abusers when we walk with hate in our heart .

To walk with gentleness and true real love means being ever so strong .

I can come to accept my weaknesses and see myself as a whole not just a piece ☺

To learn to love thyself by seeing how loved I am , to be no matter how many hard , hurtful , hate felt people I have had come in my life every single one of us have been exposed to the opposite . To the light , the good. ST.Therese reminds me when I see the little wild chamomile weed pop up stretch its face to the light , out reach its arms to take in the warmth .I too can do the same .

I am happy to be the little flower in the sunshine the little sparrow among the many branches , that one little starfish who was thrown back into the sea given another chance to share , grow & give ☺

So I of course had no doubt ST.Therese was sent to me to not only help others come to know how loved they are but also heal myself .

As always though if I am on the right path God likes to send me a little reassurance ;-) just to back me up and keep me going .

An elderly couple at our parish were having to move from their family home into a seniors complex. They had dropped off many items no longer needed. The church just had far to much stuff at the time to deal with and were going to just toss the items . So over a few weeks I gathered 1 , ST.Michael pic in a huge gold frame , 1 Padre Pio pic in a gold frame , 1 Kateri pic again in a huge frame a newspaper clip from the first apparitions at Fatima ! yet amongst all this gifted there was one little item not big , not of much value

it was one little note card , not even with an envelope .

This card (pictured above ) is of ST.Therese

as You can see from the picture she indeed is known for her intercession in helping to aide those little ones who have no voice .

In this she gives me great strength to just keep on going , be kind gentle & strong and also be the loving voice for all little ones ☺

That autumn I also was to pick my confirmation name . I knew it was time I had indeed already chosen Kateri yet felt not quite ready to make it official .

After receiving that card I knew .

My religious catholic name is to be Kateri Therese !

I long for & hope that I too may be an example .

I wish with all my heart that my legacy left shall be to bring those who hurt so badly with that deep pain that they too are loved .

I stand up and take the risk to protect just one . If one little sheep is in need of protection it is worth the risk .

Thank You so very much my sweet little soul sister Therese for helping me remove the hate & fear that blocked my heart , to stand in the light , feel the warmth on my face & move on with true & real love

Amen

Oh I'm Healed Baby ☺

2010-09-23T10:44:00.001-07:00

Yep , freedom ! That is what healing is ! Free from being tied to that which keeps us tied down , stuck , reliving that which hurt us.

Ok, today is RAINN DAY . I felt I must pop in quickly to post just a quick in honour of this day ☺

Being healed & healing seem to be the topic coming up lately so I think I'll do a quick blurb .

First let me say the only reason once healed that I share my story is to provide hope to others !

Yes I always have openly shared with family , friends & in therapy in order to heal. One cannot heal without being open to sharing & receiving ☺

However as I began to heal from my abuse I found this is one of my callings , in how I am asked to help others in regards to prevention & protection .I beleive in order to do this Education is the Golden Key ☺

I also see a great need to help survivors see their role in being great intercessors for those who still have no voice .

So the outcome , the goal is always to show & provide hope .

So healing , where to start and keep this short !

First off in the society we have here healing and needing to heal is viewed upon as a sign of weakness , a not normal thing etc. It is often viewed as a negative . So what has happened , as a result this society has created a world where people hide their pain .We have created a society of we are supposed to feel good all the time and if we don't we will at least learn ways to play pretending we are happy. We as a materialistic society have created all types of distractions to try and hide our pain. Addictions are easily attainable , purchasing items , filling our lives with useless things in order to cover pain , harmful events etc.

This is the society of denial ! Enabling others to hide their pain is a also a big thing .

Is it any wonder survivors of abuse learn best of all how to cover our pain ?

Ok , healing is never going to feel good all the time , life , real life is never going to feel good all the time !

People who did not experience sexual abuse also have pain , all people have & do experience hurt feelings , painful memories , have had mean abusive people in their lives.

Everyone is in need of healing not just victims of abuse !

If I cut my big toe it needs healing , if that mean spirited cop who gave me the parking ticket yells at me I need healing . Anyone would & does !

For victims of abuse we tend to stay in the reliving , it is as if the child feels we are in constant danger of being re-hurt and learn ways often harmful ways such as addiction to keep safe . We also have been known to go out and in our own weird twisted way other abusers , as if we are deserving of abuse !

So everyone needs healing , it is we when we go from seeing we are not victim but actually survivor that we begin to seek ways in which we will deal with our hurt .

We have choice ! Imagine that ! We are not helpless as we were when we were children ! We are not children we are the adults now ! We see we have choice just as our own abusers did !

pretty cool eh !

We begin to see things as they really are and were . We no longer relive the past but review it , seeing those experiences , situations & our responses for what they were.

Healing the inner child is incredibly freeing !

Seeing the true roles of adult and child !

This is a major break through ! Seeing truly the abuse had nothing to do with you and it was not your fault !

As we heal we can see what we are responsible for , our own poor choices not our abusers .

As a victim we make poor choices in how to deal with our pain , that in turn spawns guilt , which in turn spawns more seeking out negative behaviours to cover that guilt .

As a survivor we realize the guilt of the abuse was not ours .It is that of the abuser , the lines become very clear. Becoming the responsible grown up we begin to take responsibility for our own faults, weaknesses , sin , poor choices whatever. This in turn gives us very clear lines , we see truth very easily and have acceptance of who we are in all our good, bad & the ugly.We learn to place healthy behaviours in our lives rather then those negative ones .

We also keep in mind there are a zillion ways to find & acheive healing .Just as we are all unique individuals there is no one size fits all in the tools we will be given , behaviours we learn etc. in order to heal . I always tell people healing rarely comes in a 3hr workshop or a retreat weekend .Yes we learn beautiful ways of dealing & learn the tools and how to use them but we all take our won time & have our own way in which we will heal. Different injuries take different medicines do they not ☺We become a Whole person and we view ourselves as a whole person

It is a wonderful & glorious gift !

This gift of accepting & loving self is true freedom and I am that proof as are thousands of survivors & advocates !

It gives me great hope now to see whole generations healed , that because of those speaking & sharing perhaps victims of abuse will no longer need heal in adulthood but rather in childhood !

Imagine a child healed at 4yo instead of 40yo !

Is that not true hope !

Ok I'm off now but a real big Thankful for all those taking the steps to acknowledge your pain & heal .

It works !

Believe !

We are the Testimony & the Proof !

Amen !

Thanking the Gay Community !

2010-09-22T06:56:00.000-07:00

Yes we all are well aware that the church in Rome declares that being gay & practicing homosexuality is a sin !

I think the world is pretty much conscious of that fact and also that the church has been very much known to point out what they believe to be sin and have hidden their own .

This is what most annoys the general population .Wishing for others to take ownership of sinful behaviour and not acknowledging your own will turn people away ! It is a given .

Never mind some people just do not believe homosexuality is sin ! Imagine that !

Some people are drawn to the same sex in a sexual way !

That's it . In fact sin between adults and God are between adults and God. It is between He and them to decide if it is sin or not.

That two people wish to care for , share , live together the rest of their lives ! My goodness how many supposed straight married people should not be together1 Who married to control another ? who married to have a mother or father ? who married out of confusing lust for love ?

I for one would love to have the church stand up and thank the gay community for once for all they do in this world .

Yes there are good gay people there are evil gay people . Their being gay has nothing to do with their choices !

People either are abusive or they are not !

I want to thank The gay community for standing up and saying NO to that child exploitation group nambla because those members actually often try and hide within the gay community !

The gay community has stood up and said NO ! there is a huge difference people who enjoy sex with children are not straight nor gay ! there is a huge difference ! These people in fact say they prefer male children but they in fact rape all children ! My father and main abuser is one of these people !

many child abusers find minority groups to hide in so then if victims come forward they can claim prejudice or discrimination ! So it is very much a benefit to the general pop that we have beautiful wonderful souls within this gay community who stand up to protect children !

So get this there are gay catholics !

There are gay catholics who feel it is not sinful to be homosexual , there are those gay catholics who feel it is sinful and they practice abstainace . Gay people are like any other human beings they are people who are drawn to the same sex sexually that is it !

gay catholics are sinful people just as you & I are sinful people .

weather you feel homosexuality is sinful or not do we and are we asked by God to point out each others sins ?

lol how do you react when people point out yours ?

Funny how we have the expectation that when we point out their sinful behaviours they are going to see them , acknowledge them , and deal with them !

how easily do we deal with our own sin.

Many of us have gay friends and family members , some of us believe this is not sin ,some do, some have acceptance & understanding but do not fully understand .

I also know gay people who are most definitely not gay ! Some people use being gay just to appear the victim , just as some people use their religion etc. How many straight people do we know who have no idea of healthy sexual relationship or a healthy sexual image ?

Hey as I've written before on my blog for Life there are beautiful gay people fighting to end abortion !

So maybe Rome needs to focus on the good instead of planting fearful stereotypes into the hearts of ignorant people .

So a BIG Thank You to all

Our Gay brothers

Sisters

Place the Child

2010-09-10T09:46:00.000-07:00

Jesus reminded me this the other day to Place the child . I thought of one of Oprah's shows she had on abuse prevention / protection . I don't always agree with Oprah but I do believe and agree with her when it comes to issues of abuse. Education is a must and as she has pointed out and we who survived know very well we must be willing to see, hear and confront this issue no matter how great the fear. if fear is involved in keeping us from doing so then it is not of God. There is a big difference between fear & caution .Caution never involves fear. I learned this in discernment in the how and why of the gift of forewarning . It is never about fear always caution.

So my forewarning to others regarding abuse , healing , protection & prevention is never ever to involve or encourage fear. Please remember that

He is our best example of this

Placing the child came to me after a horrid story here in our country

As I read and looked at this man .I thought how tormenting for his family. Their child . and yes it came to me this happens to young children each and everyday.We here of the stories in Congo, In human trafficking etc.

So Jesus reminds me when we read a story of this being done to adults , place a child. Because reality is children unlike adults do not have any choice often incapable of prevention what so ever.

I also find in a world , an adult world the world of a child is viewed not quite valid enough . not quite on the same level as the adult world . somehow the abuse of children has been belittled and even in terms where an adult would be placed in that same horrendous situation it is in fact not called abuse but a much heavier term such as war crimes, torture etc.

So I was also reminded by God to remember see people as people , all the same each and everyone , that is true human respect and human rights. a child / adult and yes abuser & victim treated as equal humanbeing .

I'm reading this wonderful book Her Mother's Hope and really learning the value of loving ones enemy as He did on the cross .

So maybe we can come to the point of placing a child , knowing and realizing they are in that situation .

I know many children who are exposed to their abusers still . families in denial etc. really horrid situations , teens finally leaving home realizing they cannot fix the family and left with issues of addiction etc. all types of situations .

So what can one do ! ?

Pray , Pray without Ceasing !

This a poem a prayer I read on the wall of my Grandmother's room . It is a gorgeous poem /prayer and I maybe shall post it later if I have time .

Pray ! to Whom !

#1 Pray & Place the child in His arms as the picture above .In your meditation & prayer for a child . Do This it works !

#2 Pray to those beautiful souls , spirits , saints we have been given who help in this area of prevention / protection . those who were not afraid to face persecution in order to do so. To speak Truth and live outside the denial of perhaps not just a family but an entire community.

pictured here is Nicolas Black Elk who was/is a wonderful catechist especially to the young.

Mother Teresa & I can say we must take note .These are people who did not have hate in their hearts ever for another no matter how horrific . standing against persecution with peace within ones heart is the ultimate defence .

Padre Pio we all have heard stories of how he could be harsh perhaps etc. but that was always regarding Truth not enabling ourselves or loved ones to remain in denial often appears harsh but is truly one of the strongest acts of love. Yet here in this picture & stories of children who did encounter him it is clear he knew / knows the soul of a little sparrow deeply ☺

#3 pray to those angels and saints we have been given to help us in regards to protection ! Yes prayer works ! Yes it does !

As You know I feel Our Lady has a very special role in the healing & protection regarding abuse. I also have been led as I've written before to Garabandal because of this . The apparation at Garabandal holds a very special place for our church family to heal as well as now step up and be a leader to protect children .

I am led to this reminder twice per yr. Sept. & March ☺ yes I'm a forgetful fool that is why twice per yr. I'm sure. gettting me back on track.

apparitions are always given as a gift for a reason. Often preparing and often using caution. Our Lady sends ST.Micael a great protector . Who else to protect little children from predators then he .

Our lady Mount Carmen also holding a little child the child Jesus . Who represents the children of the world & our church . Our Lord so innocent . The messages themselves given to children .

I am one who does not beleive our church is victim to anything . God is God He needs no defense , niether do those who were afraid and hid abuse. These are adults whom made wrong choices they now still have choice to be responsible and deal or continue hiding it is that simple . Our Lady would never I feel condone that our Pope or church is victim . God certainly would not.

Our church needs to now thank those children who were abused for having the strength to speak the truth no matter what. We need to help them stay within our church family in order to help it heal and also thank them for being here now to help protect the children of today within our family .

I was also reminded of ST.Simon he himself was an abused child . Our Lady gave him comfort & courage to go on and help others , to protect others etc. So I think he plays a great role in the lives of survivors of abuse within our church family .

So this is what I am left with today a beautiful peace in my heart because I have belief & hope that what is given has a purpose and from this families can & will be healed and children will be ultimately protected .

Place a child today ~ amen

The Mental Illness Taboo , Stereotype , Assumption

2010-09-02T10:35:00.000-07:00

I have felt the call lately to look at and revisit the topic of mental illness . Especially in regards to how our western society still views this in a negative light . The word " crazy " is no longer used nor acceptable . Yet the politically correct label of " mental illness " often carries that same negative impact . What I notice is also so many people using it to label others negative behaviour . " Oh I think he/she might be mentally ill " how many times have you heard a common person randomly say this about an acquaintance , friend or family member who's behaviour may be off but also I find many who have had their feelings hurt actual use this as a resentment effect . to disqualify the other person who is in their squabble etc. so indicating to others that mentally ill people are , not valid in being respected in their opinions etc, , a mentally ill person is somehow not right and not to be trusted etc.

Did You ever notice also how often those trying to label others as mentally ill are often fearful they in fact may have a mental illness ?

Have You ever noticed how many messed up people also go into helping others in this frield reather then getting help themselves ? Some of the most messed up people I've met work in the field of mental health !

No it that far from the old label of " crazy " is it ?

I cannot speak so much as an accredited professional regarding mental illness. I am not and I make that perfectly clear on this blog right out in the open in our intro ☺. I have however studied the subject in college ( until I dropped out to raise our family I wanted to study to become a family therapist ) , read online articles all the time , umpteen books out of libraries have friends in this Field and also have had my own qualified , certified therapists who are beautiful individuals .So I do know mental illness well . However how I know mental illness so well is from that of experience , being exposed to the mentally ill all my life and not myself being mentally ill I am the first hand account of how our society views and deals with this subject. I can also say although I see a place for psychiatry I am far more an individual who values and interest lie in that as psyhcology more so . I think because psychology leaves much more for the spiritual growth of the human as a whole . I do know a few very tender hearted psychiatrists as well ☺ I also feel the main leader within the psychiatry movement that old timer Freud himself was perhaps a bit off , messed up . No not mentally ill just messed up.

This is one of the best thing in therapy . You learn the differences , between metal illness , chemical imbalances & sometimes we are just messed up !

I like many grew up with a parent who is mentally ill and who was not diagnosed . This often leads the lives of those children learning parental behaviours which are very unhealthy , once the adult we are out in the world with very heavy issues based on fear & untrust. Our boundaries are all over the place because they are not clear .

Just as a child of an alocoholic , sexual predators or any type of dysfunctional behaviour the fear we have is , will we become our parent . Are we mentally ill ?

So I had to look at this hard , the why I was being asked to revisit my past. Not to live our past is what we learn in therapy but to revisit , see it for what it was , and learn from it . I know that more often then not if I am asked to revisit my past I will be called to deal with an unresolved issue of fear. So fear here is that of mental illness.

I thought I'd be there done that lol

Nope !

So I know I do not fear looking , growing , I do not fear my fears .I know they must be looked at dealt with on a very calm , rational level . Taking time , not rushing .

So where was this coming from . I know I like the majority had the stereotypical in my head again ! Someone was doing it again saying I personally am mentally ill . So what did that statement do ? It caused a trigger ! A trigger which produced fear ! However as I said I am not fearful to visit my fears ☺

My first response to what I viewed as accusations was defence ! I was prepared to speak up say my brain is average normal I had the CAT scan , I've the wonderful therapists to prove I'm not mentally ill etc.

, stop ! why defend ! ? this person themselves is merely just as afraid of mental illness and even more so because they themselves are afraid of their fears . Will not attend therapy and wishes to attack others rather then get help for themselves , children and abusive relationship. I had to own that it hurt , so how am I going to react to that hurt ?

So #1 I need not partake .This is all petty and based on hurt feelings , resentments etc.

Step Away.

So forget that other person God has shown the why, accept where they are at etc.

But this led me back to self. I feel I need to deal with God about this fear.

Ok it stems from way back , my father the main abuser and in fact the mentally ill person in the family would label anyone crazy , it began in our home with my mother he constantly abused her verbally , psychologically etc. and his label for her " crazy " then myself the eldest child " crazy " then my sister " crazy " then little brother " crazy " You see it was his power over us . He was the one back in society the man of the family had the power .He also was connected as a doctor to all the other warped individual sociopaths he knew . He was like this we know now long before he met my mother. His official title by qualified sexual abuse psychologist is sociopath , more proof , lets just say anyone , my father or anyone else who take pleasure , actual enjoyment from burning 2yo & 4yo children with cigarettes is sociopath behaviour . ( that was the least of the torture ) we were not an uneducated family etc. we knew & know intellectually what people should do in response to abuse .However when living in abuse , all people have the same reactions irregardless of race , education , economic status etc. Just look at this recent case

Anyway people who visit this blog know my families story etc. As I mentioned I wish to focus on this stigma , this negative label the why ?

My father like anyone else worth a mental illness needs help ! His illness would require constant care. Why does he not have it . well because of course he will not own or admit he is mentally ill. We all know the reasons of the why pedophiles are not receiving help or being dealt with . So he continues to remain a risk to himself & others.

I believe it is this negative stereotype of mental illness that keeps people from coming forward to get help . Reality wise if I were mentally ill would I not want to know ? Why would I not want to help myself and my family by having a diagnosis ?

Mostly because of fear. Most wish to hide from therapy etc. why ? because somehow if we do have mental illness it is bad ! We are somehow bad ! not good , people are to stay clear of us , is mental illness the new leprosy ?

Look at the word illness ? well illnesses we all know can , some of them be cured . I began thinking of cancer . We do not treat those with cancer this way ? We see them as a whole person they just happen to have cancer. Some of these cancers will be cured , some may go away for a time do to treatment yet return at a later date and therefore treatments need revisiting . Is mental illness not the same ? Some can be cured some are just behavioural issues we have learned & put in place over the yrs etc. OCD or Anorexia , there are illness such as depression , bipolar and schizophrenia that may never be cured but with help and medications these illness can be contained like diabetes is for a diabetic.

Living with mental illness

For those of us who are not mentally ill it is hard to grasp at times how it is to actually live with this illness when it is not in remission or being treated etc. Think of depression . For us we may be worried , be down , heck we may even stay in bed for 3 days . A person who truly suffers from this lives with full blown depression may stay in bed for a yr. ! yes !

People with mental illness are people just like you and I they have jobs , they have families, own homes , attend college , university etc. They just happen to also have an illness it is a part of their whole !

I can say the why I know how the majority of society view & those working within the mental health system often treat these people because I was exposed to it . Of course my abuse as a child was never dealt with so I was sent to a place , where the mentally ill are taken care of. This was in the 70's . One of these places I was sent to be taken care of so I would not overdose etc. was where they kept people like this , I awoke one morning to have a man leaning over my bed while I slept ! Yes I was only 15yo . I was not suicidal ever ,I just wanted attention , there is a difference .

I did see the treatment of patients and This is the how and why I know there are just as many mentally ill people not diagnosed who actually work in the field of mental health .

I had a wonderful therapist who suggested I join a group of former patients .It is an advocacy group. I like she thought it might help me understand mental illness better and I could also advocate for them in some way. The day I was to attend a meeting I was very excited because the ombudsmen were going to be there .

Well it was a disaster ! The people who were in attendance were all mentally ill some on meds some clearly not . Then the ombudsmen, That day a man was presenting material ( a stack of papers that looked like 4 thesis ) it was huge ! On the conspiracy theory that the psychiatry and pharmaceutical companies were conspiring to harm the mentally ill . So this is the example of the difference between mentally illness , paranoia . etc. We all know in everything there are and will be people who are greedy , even evil who do conspire even as a group to harm others . The example of big tobacco , oil etc. It is a given .Conspiracy does exist , greedy , evil people more often then not wish to cover their butts and do conspire to do so ! We all know how easy it is for cancer research to get funding for drugs which are not generic it is all about money but that everyone involved in the lithium industry and psychiatry is personally involved trying to harm patients just is not true. There would be ways this man could be helped if he feels lithium is harmful to him .He felt lithium is very damaging to the kidneys .That is a legitimate concern .He most definitely has a right to request if tests could be done to find out health risks etc. if there is in fact another option for him to have another medication besides lithium .

did the ombudsmen suggest any of this. ? no .

In fact I saw the looks they gave to each other . They were attending because they'd get paid . It was as if they were just listening hoping the 2 hrs would be up soon .Say their polite thank yous and out the door.

My being there of course I had to share my story . Well of course my story only fed the fuel to further paranoia which was not good . It gave the people who were already fearful all the mental health system was out to harm them . The ombudsmen of course couldn't conceive or believe because of course if I had been in a mental facility I must be mentally ill .

So if I was mentally ill in their opinion that makes anything these people say not valid .It was pretty clear by their behaviour etc. rolling eyes glances at each other. It was actually really ignorant , arrogant & just rude.

So who is going to help represent these people when they do have legitimate complaints ?

who on earth would wish to be diagnosed mentally ill !

Help for Families

I know a beautiful man who is like that I discovered his fear towards mental illness when I went to council with him .He is a wonderful counsellor with a big heart but he still has issues himself , fears .This is why I say a good counsellor will be willing to seek counsel always for themselves. Doctors apparently are the worst patients is absolutely true ☺

He grew up in a home where a schizophrenic parent was not diagnosed . It led him to believe anyone who has been in a mental facility must be mentally ill. Yes he made that assumption with me. You can though see is concern because he had a parent who was in fact not diagnosed . He as many children fears still is he mentally ill. He is forgetting that no some of us just got really messed up by that exposure . He is not mentally ill himself and even if he was , what would be wrong with that ? It is ok .

A woman I know who had to care for her parent from the time she was 16yo was so used to having to take control of the siituation that she now cannot let people in her life without mental illness make any of the major choices . She is a control freak and she is so afraid her ds may be mentally ill she watches his every move ! yet is in the end hiding , covering up etc. she is not helping . Mental illness is very much hereditary in her family and rather then prepare herself she runs around doing what she can to hide any symptoms . I've seen this far more often then I'd like , it seems to be the norm response rather then the actually reaching out for help seems to be within the minority .

Remember it is important to know the differences between delusions & vision , the voice of God compared to that of schizophrenic episodes or locutions . caution & prudence or paranoia . Like in anything it is important in these areas such as abuse , addiction to educate to learn these symptoms , behaviours and this goes for in the area of mental illness too . Education is far better benefit to All involved rather then enabling & covering up via fear based impulses .

What really helps me is re looking at the situation .Of course once healed we know the truth , no one in my family is " crazy " my father is however mentally ill . I remember the denial , the lies .It was all not true .

So many people with the history of family mental illness wish to hide it . Cover up for family members .

This is a big no no ! It will not go away !

What if you the enabler , the one keeping it all hidden disappear then what ? Who is going to take over for You ? Is it not best you help your child/ spouse/ parent / friend get proper attention now so they can work on being a whole healthy person out in the real world functioning like You & me ☺

So my last question I had to ask myself and I'm still working on , is denial in itself a form of mental illness ? Or is it just perhaps an enabler , a symptom of fear ?

People please seek therapy & a Therapist there is nothing to fear !

I So , I'm still working , willing to learn , & take responsibilities for my own fears etc.

Remembering

2010-08-01T21:31:00.000-07:00

I am praying for the soul of and the memory of Ricki Rodriguez and other survivors of the family or its other guises . I encountered this group in my early 20's and although not every time I was exposed to predators of children did I pick up on it I sure did with this group. Once again with survivors of multiple child sexual abuses we recognize abusive behaviours very easily before others will if they ever do . So I knew something creeped me out about this cult leader in our province here something awful . I never did return to their commune . Since then he and his groupies have fled from province to province . sharing children with other pedophiles . On the commune here he had his supposed wife lure other women for sex , he also abused children sexually . the thing is this fellow has family in the political wheel , pedophile friends in high places RCMP , gov. etc. so as we know this is conspiring to hide ones sinfulness or abuse whatever .
This man was a sociopath I know how he worked how he'd play with their mind etc. because one of our friends took her own life on this commune ! I later learned of yet another suicide as well . I know how he taunted this young woman ,he is a sociopathic bully . She attempted suicide once while staying there and then the hospital released her into their care again ! why ? well because they were licensed to run a youth group center for troubled youth on their commune farm . All under the guise of being pure and natural back to the landers . They also received grants due to his political connections etc. has this person ever spent anytime in care or being watched etc. ? of course not . This is after a now adult survivor had the courage to come forward . Many former members needed months of councel / therapy. We know how this cycle works . little children suffer and pedophiles go free .
The victims , the children of course labeled bad all their lives , feeling as if they are bad , not good enough , carrying the sins of another , their abuser , possibly choosing alcohol / drugs for relief . then we as a society label them again .
I know this reality big time . I know how much , how often my family has been blessed . I have know far more survivors who were personal friends & even a relatives who their lost their lives or became abusers themselves then those who have survived , healed to go on and be the truth , the example .
so the cycle goes. So in memory of Ricki & my friend Debbie . I pray and will never forget them . I know their pain I even know how they came to the choice they made . will they go to hell ? I think not . I am not like some who believe you need be forgiven here on earth. I believe there is forgiveness inbewteen . be it called limbo or purgatory etc. I believe a soul can heal once the world is no longer distracting , reminding them of that pain .
Momma Mary comfort their sweet souls , Jesus heal the sorrow within , Holy Spirit cleanse & renew their light , and God take them home Your beautiful children ~ amen

ps. I am still having trouble hiding this blog it will not seem to save my settings . I am conflicted as I wish to share but keep getting obscene comments , which I do reject but it is just upsetting & disturbing to me all these sick people out there .
Yet maybe educating is still what is best ☺

Hiding Blog

2010-07-27T05:48:00.000-07:00

I am choosing for certain reasons to hide this blog . This is mainly just to use the blog for my personal writing . Hoping one day to get it all down into book form etc. This really was meant to be a helpful blog but I am finding anticatholic people responding and the creepy people who are looking for ways to further abuse also so if You would like me to list you email in order to follow I will do so but will only do this for people whom I actually know who are working in abuse prevention , survivors , etc.
Thank You to All who do work so hard to help people heal and to protect children !

Helpful inspiration for Survivors via Bet. E. & Stef

2010-07-15T12:23:00.000-07:00

This is one of my all time fav songs ! Of course it is also Bosa Nova so I cannot help but love it ☺
I found this so helpful for me when I was dealing with the issue of leaving behind harmful negative & enabling relationships . The ones where you are called upon to show Your deep love for another human being by saying No . Saying No to partaking in the awful cycle etc. This song is great for all of us who are survivors be it members of AA , Al-anon , survivors of abusive relationships and we now have the strength to say No and walk away knowing it is the most positive loving gesture we can do for them but also in loving ourselves ☺ so here You have it .

Wish You Well

by Bet E. & Stef

I'd like to help

But I can only do it from afar

I see you there

and it reminds me of how I used to be

I'd like to help but the desire to change

Must be strong

I see you there and all I can do is

Wish you well

How can you live your life

Burrowed in blindness

The destiny of matter

Has gone to your head

You're here for a purpose

With a special gift from god but

As long as you run away

You'll stumble and fall

Even though you'd like to change sometimes

So much to do and

you don't know which way to start

It's up to you to see just what you have inside

You'll hear it clearer than you think

You can do much more then you know

And all the while you realize

Why didn't I know this before

It's time to wake up

From being a victim

It cannot get any worse

Unless you just stay here

I'll tell you it gets better

Much much better

I'm speaking from my heart

And I know that You can hear me

True Religion regarding abuse

2010-06-23T08:46:00.000-07:00

I love this picture of my altar . I carved this the yr. I knew I was created a catholic maybe that is why I felt it appropriate pic for this post ☺
This post will not be long as I mentioned we are staying offline most of the summer months , enjoying our family time very much .
I felt the need to address the issue of religion in healing people hating or being hatefelt to others because of their religion . We know people have hate in their hearts for the catholic church and Christianity because of the issue of abuse . There will be people who do not like you just because of he reason children have been abused by catholic people . What we know is abusive character has nothing to do with ones religion . This hate come from fear of the unknown , non understanding etc. We have got to be very very careful and respond not with hatefelt hearts ourselves but with empathy for we all have suffered from and are capable of having an ignorant fearful mind . We are all capable of responding in the wrong way and hurtful responses as well .
Now to those who have hate for Christians or catholics in Your heart there are people who were abused by members of our church who , get this are still catholic . We choose to remain and be because we are created catholic we believe we are catholic and therefore we have our catholic religion which helps us heal . That is it , that simple . By being who we are called & created to be we will be the ones to help our own church heal , our catholic family heal . It will not be by leaving or trying to be that which we are not . Our church and ourselves will never heal via hate .
Our religion will never ever keep us in a victimized state . Enable us to remain stuck in the never ending cycle . If Your religion is helping you in anyway be hurtful to others , abuse others , remain a victim it is not truly your religion or You have been practicing a very warped view of your so called religion .
I know personally people of different faiths . Some are not who they are supposed to be. The woman who claims to be a christian baptist and stayed with a man who abused herself & her children both physically , emotionally & sexually is definitely not a baptist nor a Christian in her life . She is hiding in ignorance & fear , that simple . Equally I know two people who became Wiccan to fit in , be popular with their children etc. both not dealing with issues of sexual abuse but rather using their new found religion to hide it . Their religion has done nothing but let them continue the cycle . The cycle of playing pretend , which of course is denial .
Your religion will help you not live in denial but pure truth . You can't help but be in it . Discernment will become very clear , You will be able to see things in the cycle of abuse for what they really are and this is truly freeing ! It will be hard , there will be nothing to help hide or cover your pain up . Your religion will in fact help you learn all people suffer from pain . Your religion will indeed help you deal with it , acknowledge this pain and yes give us the proper healthy tools to lift that pain !
So On I go being His true catholic He created me to be ~ amen

Stopping the Cycle & Helping Survivors ☺

2010-06-07T11:25:00.000-07:00

       It has been forever since I've come to this blog . There is a reason I have found I am called much more to my life of prayer and intercession in regards to the protection of children .
I feel I've also pretty much done what I can here in regards to education.
Recently I was asked to join yet another group / website etc. I had to explain to this person that we are all called in our own way to work to help protect etc. For some this will be speaking and some will be asked to help many . Some of us will be asked merely to stop the cycle within our own family and be the loving parents we are called to be . Some will be asked this just to help one child be it a foster child , brother or little sister , niece or nephew. I cannot stress again the value is not in numbers but keeping one child safe is enough !
My work first and foremost is within my own family as well my work is always first in prayer as an intercessor . As a missionary I am also called to help in healing our family our catholic family the best way I can do so . My work is more often in the written word not the spoken .
We will All have our own calling , our own way etc. so please do not feel pressure to do ! sometimes many people who are not healed get consumed with the doing and it is actually a big distraction in helping themselves heal .As I've said many many people who are not healed from the abuse as a child work in the field of social services or justice or medical systems often taking on the save the world save all . I have literally seen people so unfocused their whole families & lives fall apart .
I also of course am annoyed again I had to change the settings for posting on here because I keep getting stupid porn sites , people etc. posting rude remarks . I now have to clean up our computer because we are getting porn pop ups ! The world is sicker much sicker then my grandparents time . Prejudice and hate are far deeper then ever .
So we are taking our yearly summer break from computer . I've already gone off facebook as of the june1st and finishing up blogs for June 17th .
I am hoping to work on my real writing , gardening & we continue our search for a new home . Prayers needed !
So I also was once again shocked to learn of a family not dealing with the abusive father in their family . Going to counseling to "fix " the problem child . The parents not admitting or owning any responsibility for their own abusive behaviour . The father a child molester , the mother's denial is abuse also . She comes off as passive the victim not stepping up to help her children and now her own grandchildren . Then when a child begins to use drugs , act out etc. they are labeled the problem . what a mess ! Yes these people become problemed adults , even abusers ! And yes this is the cycle continuing . Expecting a child to talk , to take steps to change within a family held in denial so deep . Well is it any wonder why so many people are having issues with abuse as adults ! Think if a family actually acknowledged the abuse what healing could come !
   Children mimic behaviour they learn habit and behaviours from their major role models whoever their primary caregivers are these are those role models . If dad watches porn and hides mags under the sink etc. and mum pretends it doesn't exist ,well children learn this is how we react , respond etc.
adults have to learn to take ownership of their stuff .
Is it also any wonder few survivors are ok and many deal with their abuse via addictions of all kinds . As I've said I know far less parents who have chosen to deal with the abuse then those who choose to hide it . Yes children who have been abused learn to abuse . This may happen on different levels but abuse is abuse . Denial of abuse is like re-abusing the victim all over again . When a parent chooses the spouse over the child this is abuse .
   So # 1 way to help your kids be safe protect Your own and then others . Sorry but this is fact and you can see the stats on darkness2light website again . We also of course learn our children will never be totally safe but we are not to be gullible & blind and play pretend . We need to take steps to educate ourselves , learn how to protect our children & teach them these steps , signs , means to heal & deal etc.
I also very much wish to tell parents if your child has been abused do not make the abuser the focus . Help your child heal . Yes report abuse etc. however so many people focus on the justice . Get this it is more then likely your child's abuser never will be dealt with . As I said this does not mean you are not to take steps to keeps other children safe you must report the abuse . However . It is a given your child is not the first , it is a given your child will not be the last . So focus on their healing and help them to be the beautiful person they are .
Ok if your child has been abused by anyone of status what so ever there will be cover up , there will be conspiracy and I must warn you these people who share & abuse children in this way when threatened will try and harm you and your family if they feel they are at risk of being found out & prosecuted . I can also say there are those who also have no fear of prosecution because they know the reality of this never happening .Once again of the over 20 something child rapists I have known only 3 were ever dealt with and it had nothing to do with the justice system . Two were killed via people who took justice into their own hands & one took his own life . My own main abuser had charges , allegations & a search of his home revealed horrid photos of children . These charges etc. go back for over 20 yrs the police told me . 5 victims came forward etc. nothing happened he continues to travel and abuse children to this day .These are people who conspire to rape children they definitely conspire to hide their abuse . They will take steps to get you to shut up ! The most often way they do this is to threaten your person and if you are a parent they will threaten that which you love most !   Also this sickness does not leave these people with age . Here in Canada we also learned and were shocked by this info that predators of children can still hop province to province without allegations or charges following them . So if someone here was charged in the next province over they have a no record !
Also remember never let your children go into public restrooms alone ! be it church , the mall , events etc. Change rooms in pools , gyms , community clubs as well . Even 15-16 yo have been molested in public change rooms etc. Our ds15 always changes in the single wash/change room even if he has to wait in line . Never leave you child alone with dentist , doctor , priest , teacher etc. you just cannot risk the chance of abuse taking place ! Please re-think the whole sleepover idea as well .
Also keep in mind all the tactics these people do to get Your children alone be it offering candy , seeing a cool bike or toy, come help me , using power of status such as a police uniform etc. , teach Your children to say no to all adults and that it is not a bad thing ! It is a must . No adult needs information from Your child without you being present with them ! Also keep in mind these people use other children to lour kids to them as well . small small children too not just older ones I was 4 yrs when my father began having me lour neighbourhood children to our home ! so you can see how crucial it is to educate ourselves & our children !
Last month I watched the two movies Precious & the Lovely Bones . I wish people would watch them .Precious to see the effects of the nasty cycle etc. and the Lovely Bones to get across the idea how dangerous these people are and how we can not just blindly pretend our kids will be safe ! The man in the Lovely Bones reminded me so much of my fathers behaviour so I guess I felt more inclined to that movie but both were good movies .
So it is up to you how will you respond ? Often families / victims are offered shut up money . Often threatened with death / harming of loved ones etc.
Some choose to take this offer . Some choose to back off but try and help protect children in other ways via story telling , working in daycare etc. Some hide and become paranoid .
What we need to know is we have choice in how we respond . We need to be calm , look rationally on our situation and how is it best to help our family .
We have chosen never to accept compensation for shut up money . Nothing will buy our silence . This was how our main abusers chose to work in order to re abuse via money so for us we will not partake in that game . We also choose to keep on living , educating others , sharing our story in order to help protect other children and help survivors of abuse heal so they can go on to help children etc.
We are not stupid we are fully aware of what these people are capable of doing . We are well aware of how they work that they are not ignorant or of low IQ . So what do we do , we live our life , learning all the time . We know we cannot control what predators do . If they wish to harm us then so be it that is their wrong choice and theirs to make . Just as we chose not to be silent . Life goes on we have no idea what is to come but what we do know is never to let fear keep us blocked and from doing that which is His purpose for us . So here we are ☺
If one child is safe , if one survivor begins to heal , if one wife finds the strength to say NO to protect her children / grandchildren it is worth our standing up and speaking .
So how can You help a survivor , well #1 believe them !
acknowledgement of abuse is the first step . So many people hide the memory via addiction or repressed memory ,
help them not to be fearful but to embrace memories , dreams , flashbacks , that these are healing steps to see the truth of the abuse that is all .
If you do not know how to respond or deal with the issues at hand be honest , say it like it is and offer to help them take steps to find the resources that will help them .
do not in anyway try and cover up or hide their pain ( this is extremely hard for parents regarding children and with those we love ) ! Help them to acknowledge that pain it is real , & valid ! Help be there as a support to help them learn healthy behaviours & habits in dealing with issues of pain etc.
Be open honest & patient .
This is hard but do not support or enable victim behaviour . Help them also to recognize it is ok to be responsible to own our mistakes but also to recognize that the guilt of their abusers and others is not theirs to carry . This is a big step for many survivors of abuse .
give positive feedback , reward etc. when positive breakthroughs happen . Help them learn to treat themselves , play , have fun we can be a child but not childish ☺
Just as we learn in protection we cannot leave our children alone with other adults or even other children for that matter we also need learn in area of healing to always be present in counsel with our children ! Many predators of children prey on those who have already be victimized . Also remember any interview with police , social services , medical be present with your child , record interviews on the calender and know the names of those calling you , etc. If you are helping an adult survivor of abuse also tell them to always have someone present with them during all interviews. This is crucial for support to avoid any damaging counsel or questioning but also for legal matters it is always best to have a third party present . If you are on your own call a women's shelter or clinic who specializes in abuse and ask them if someone from there can attend your interviews . Remember asking for help is a good thing , if you do not receive it or receive the wrong help move on to another source . Never give up , it is worth it ! Our family is living proof , You can be that proof too !
Let them see life is hard & soft that is how it is . We all have pain and always will what happens is it does lift & pass . There are happy , sad , good & bad times . Life is life a gift we need to take it all and live it to the fullest .
So that is about it . As I said we are looking forward to our summer adventures . We hope You have a wonderful magical summer as well , Many Blessings to You ~ amen

STOP & Never Forget !

2010-04-09T08:27:00.000-07:00

You had to know I was going to write about the topic of abuse after the events unfolding during this past Lenten season . Reality , people , it's here ! There is a reason and a purpose for what everything which happens . we need to learn the reason why are we being asked by God to not hide & deal with this issue in the proper way . acknowledge those who have suffered abuse in the past , their pain is real , we need to help them really heal & deal and not just by handing out money . we need to learn proper ways to deal with abusers ! Being hate felt , focusing on punishment does not help people heal it keeps the cycle going and in fact is abusive behaviour on its own and I have found boosts many an ego . It also enables former victims to remain victims . However the purpose of the title of my blog and the main purpose God is asking us to deal with and why it is splat right in our faces is , get this To Protect the Children of Today in the Here & Now ! All the hate , resentment , defensiveness will in no way keep children safe ! It will in fact be a major distraction and in fact put children at risk . It is imperative we learn as a family and community on the proper way to prevent abuse of our children . This is an article specific to my catholic church family but the facts are facts regardless of ones religious background .

When I prayed regarding the abuse in the Irish Church I was reminded of Our Lady's Love , True Love , Example of Real Love

This topic of course came up again because of abuse discloser within Ireland .So I felt the need to address those from that country as Irish catholics but as catholics. You will struggle , some in Your church will in some ways try and instill guilt .You are somehow not being a faithful or good catholic if you question , if you have anger , if you do not believe . Get this they do this because it worked in the past . This is abusive character .It is what abusive people do when fearful and wish to remain in hiding . This happens in all systems not just religious ones. This is how the cycle of abuse works whether it is in a family unit or a huge establishment. Your issue with God if You are His catholic child is between You and God no one else not even the pope can tell You if You are being His true catholic or not .
Ok get this God asks You to be Trusting of Him but not blindly gullible ;-) So can we learn from the mistakes of others before , yes we can ! Take it from Canadian catholics we cannot blindly believe holiness is based on position or status . Trustworthiness is not based on ones profession as doctor , lawyer or priest ! So here is another big fact , your children and mine never were safe in church from child predators ! They are everywhere a part of every single group in our society . Our church congregations have always had and will have child predators present. Children were and will remain being abused by not just priests , nuns , lay people , brothers etc. . Again ones place of employment has nothing to do with them being a child sexual predator . If a priest had not been a priest but a janitor at a catholic church if he is going to abuse he is going to abuse . So it is up to us , what are we going to do ? It is our responsibility to protect our own . We are the ones who need to #1 demand our catholic church put policies in place not to protect abusers but children ! #2 we need to take the training so we ourselves can put in place the people we know to be trustworthy for real to be teaching and caring for our children #3 how we are going to deal with abusers , that they are not above the laws within our society , yet they will be present within our churches as all sinners are . Are they not to be able to receive the Eucharist , Him just as we are ?
These are all real and very heavy issues that need to be dealt with . You as do I also have every right to ask questions . We are His children , children ask questions . He welcomes them . I for one have questioned for some time the why people felt the need to deal with this abuse by hiding it .Of course the answer is fear as in to regards to the why all types of sin is hidden . Why , go to the bother to actually write policies regarding how to hide abusers . I know full well some of those who wrote and put these policies will also be abusers themselves. So what is our response to be ? How are we going to react ?
I am one who does not believe in compensation in the form of money . Every single abuser I have known their abusive behaviour and victims were all dealt with via money. Yes I believe money in the form of education , counselling , prevention & protection programs but usually when money is involved it is in regards to shutup money. Personally of course I would have had a different life had I not been abused , would I have learned earlier to make healthier choices or lead a healthy lifestyle had I not been abused .Yes of course. Yet money cannot take my pain away or make or give me a better life . I can and have achieved all my counsel , education and healthy lifestyle choices by almost very little cost from our pocketbook . I made these choices to seek & find because I realized I do have choice . It is I who make the right & wrong choices in my life . There is also the issue of I can in no way risk the truth not being told. I will put my own life on the line to protect children . There is no cost at which I will be silenced . It is a must & a given for me that this cycle & epidemic be dealt with . The risk of having one child take their own life , become addicted to drugs , killed by a predator etc. is far to great .I will take the risk to protect children it is that simple for me .
Anger ? Well anger is not a sin , it is and in fact can be a positive response . Jesus expressed anger . , Anger cannot be in the response of hatefelt or resentment but if we use it in a positive way in demanding change , not being defensive but turning to have acceptance & understanding then we will see much much progress. I can personally say those priests who are working to help our church heal are not the ones shouting and being defensive because they know the truth .They know #1 God does not need defence nor does His church . #2 being pushy bossy and defensive is abusive it will not help the family heal . So those who are all up in your face protect the church , you are a bad catholic and mean for talking or questioning , get this they are just fearful . They are not working with God at all . Reality is adults do not need protecting .They have their systems etc. I can risk being called something or hurt even imprisoned innocent. It is the children who need protecting .It is that simple .
On Monday April12th there is to be a Rebroadcast of the doc.
Sex Crimes & the Vatican . I urge you to watch it if you can . It has very good info and shows how policies to hide abusers were and are still in place to hide abusers . They do of course in the show do say a few times the mention of being abusers because of celibacy or the fact of being catholic but we have to face everyone has ignorance and we cannot fight ignorance with being defensive . We must as Ceasar Millan says " don't judge , educate " so informing each other about the truths of abuse is big . In the end we need to focus on positive ways to help survivors heal & help our church family heal in good healthy ways because reality is the whole purpose is not to repeat the cycle and Protect Children of Today

When praying on the issue of , holiness , what , who is a real & True catholic I am always sent back to Him the beginning . This in fact is long before the influence of Rome .

If I am or am not His catholic He is going to let me know . So I return to His most true and sacred heart
If You do find You are indeed His catholic , return to that which was given You by Him . It will bring much peace to Your heart

Revisit sacred places given

Returning to Garabandal with 3 Sisters

2010-03-15T08:18:00.001-07:00

This post was meant for way back in March during lent. I spent much time in prayer and had been led to pray the rosary 5 times per day during the Lenten season . My struggle was as always reminding me my purpose & work for Him and not to get side tracked and distracted by the hatred of others etc.
I felt a great call to protection again and of course often for me this is in regards to abuse. First of all the beautiful Pine Trees. I go off walking amongst the pines. Pines represent much strong protection and always come to me regarding ST.Michael & the protection of children . It was big big .I did not know the who , what or where but I believe God when He sends me this strong calling to pray for children and protection from abuse .
Well as we know over the last few weeks of lent the topic which exploded within our church once again . Once again I was reminded of the why of Garabandal for me and I believe for the church as well of course .Is to truly come to real & true reconciliation , come to heal those hurt and most important protect the children of the hear & now !
So off I went with my beautiful 3 sisters . Their names are Therese , Teresa & Mother Teresa ;-) I love my catholic family .My real family so very much . I walk with these members and I know I can leave the rest behind .The corruption , the hypocrisy of all the scribes & pharisees of the day .The temptations of the world leave me and I truly am alone with Him. My heart returns and is where it should be . I am going to write more about the actual abuse issue within our church family but I felt the need to post this first for those who may be struggling who are having issue with their religion and the issue of hypocrisy etc.
Pray , return to that which was given you by Him . when it comes down to it It is from Him your direction must be given .

As I was traveling with the 3 sisters I came across this certificate from the Carmelites my Mother had found in amongst my late great aunt Pansy's belongings. This was not Pansy's cert. but that of someone who must have been special in her life for her to hang onto it all these yrs. I being the only catholic in the family my Mother felt it may have meaning for me . It does ;-)

This beautiful young woman helps me so much remember who I am .How much love I have to give because of how much I am in turn truly loved . This is such a great picture it helps me remember the adventurer I am as well ;-)

I must admit I have not been drawn to hang out with this Teresa much . I always found her a tad intense for my own character but she brought me to see and understand the need for true and real and often hard discernment . To know fully and deal with the hard issues and speak the truth .She helps me deal with evil head on . No hiding what so ever with this saint .
Well what can I say about this special Teresa . As you may already know she helps me big time in regards to carrying on helping others and leaving the rest behind. I know she had to deal with all types of hypocrisy , ignorance & arrogance within the world as well as the church world . Yet even in her own human weakness she knew just to keep being her for Him and in the end it all worked out pretty good did it not ;-)
This is how we continue to go on being His true and real catholics .

Goodbye Survivor !

2010-03-11T07:07:00.000-08:00

Yes , it is true I am no longer a survivor . I am an Advocate ;-) Not sure when I actually stopped giving myself the title or calling myself a survivor maybe a yr or so ago . A friend of mine who also works in prevention / protection told me several yrs ago she does not call herself survivor any longer because she isn't she is now a working advocate . It clicked the light on in my head and yes awhile later I began my journey as advocate . So here I am
alive and well . Get this victim becomes survivor & yes survivor becomes Advocate ! Imagine if each and every person /child who has been sexually tortured became an advocate ! The possibilities are endless .

I also have been thinking to write once again about our youth ! Get this, we also as elders have got to acknowledge our youth just as we hope they will respect us . I am just so so very proud & happy to see so many youth not only as victims beginning to heal survivors finding their story but also young advocates !
Such as this beautiful young woman over at Chicks with scars . I as parent & granny find it so so very empowering & beautiful because not only in the world of abuse but in the world as a woman . I can testify an account from my grandmothers generation on how we have evolved and yes indeed grown in regards to education & protection in this area. I know full well in the work of prevention & protection this is epidemic but we have also made great strides. Where a man could manipulate a mother or grandmother feel so threatened and in fact threaten them with death , taking away their children , their land etc. all because of societies value of a woman was less then . It is incredible for me to see the advances we have made . So go girl !
I do not want to exclude young men either ! They have also taken great steps in breaking down the rules & stereotypical roles of male in our society. Yes boys & men have emotions ! Yes boys & men can speak sensitively about abuse !
So for both genders in our youth , go go go ! Speak , speak speak ! Get it out , out , out !
If we continue to have confidence and continue to support each other in remaining in and always speaking the truth.Keeping the walls of fear down . Learning all we can by being open etc. Yes the world will in turn be filled with many many advocates !
Once you become advocate , soon you are going to see the endless possibilities of where your journey will now take you . In your own home , in your local community , the great ole world .
We just keep on going , keep on moving , continue learning and it is a most wonderful journey indeed . ~ amen

Not my Spokeswoman

2010-03-10T07:02:00.000-08:00

Yep , this is my ticked off rant lol well not really a rant as I tend to know when I'm going off I need calm down and ask God what am I do do in this situation . Last night I became annoyed after seeing & reading yet another story on Mckenzie Phillips . Ok I was down right ticked off. Mckenzie Phillips is not my spokeswoman nor should she be being viewed as one for abused children etc. She is in need of and still has a very long healing journey ahead of her . People should not be encouraging her to go down a puffed up ego boosting head trip . Yes , let her share her healing journey , tell her story etc. but she is not in position to be speaking for nor giving advice to others who are being abused etc. She is is still very twisted & messed up as we all have been there and done that . Her view of sexual relationship is clearly not a healthy one as of yet . Just her statement about that supposed rock star on Oprah made me feel sick . She laughed about it . When really it was clearly a drug induced manipulative act , an act of abuse be she a woman or a child .
So yes #1 I am my own spokesperson as we all should be once healed . #2 I am an advocate for those children who are being & those who have been abused #3 I did the work to get here thank you very much
lol no this is not about credit , it is about truth and frankly I want my own children who need to work on healing to be connected not to some super movie star but someone who is realisticly from thier own community etc. I hope , want & need our children in this community to have responsible elders who can guide them correctly . etc. If and when Ms. Phillips is able to come out of her cycle a well adjusted person and living the healthy life she deserves then why would she not focus on starting at home .
We learn this in our work , we are not called to go out and help others until we ourselves have been helped , our family is healthy and then we will be sent out . Many many people who do not wish to deal with thier stuff go off to save others. I was one of those people . It is big in the social services , justice , health systems . Why would God have me go off to save the world and have my family be falling apart ? I am big on education of local community in regards to prevention & protection as you've read in my other posts . So how about for Ms. Phillips , how many other child actors have been abused ? She as we know is not the only one . So that would be her best community to serve would it not ? I'm also not saying at some point she will not have a role to help educate on a bigger and grander scale . The media is a wonderful to tool to help in education regarding prevention & protection . Imagine the possibilities this woman can achieve and pass on to her community & the world !
So , sorry Mckenzie I will pray for you . I wish you a beautiful healing journey and I in fact am very happy to be Your spokewoman for today to help you in your healing & dealing ;-) ~ amen

Responding to Ignorance

2010-03-04T07:41:00.001-08:00

Cesar Millan

So , are you thinking "what on earth does Cesar Millan have to do with the topic of abuse , healing etc. ?" lol Well his mind set , his attitude are spot on . He has a healthy way about him does he not . It was His statement on his shows where he took a resent trip to MX that inspired me . He said " don't judge , educate " As soon as I prayed in regards to the ignorance of others facing me once again regarding abuse . God sent me the words of Cesar Millan . You can see why I am the firm believer of Truth from all sources . Be it Charles Stanley to Gandhi and yes now the beautiful Cesar Millan .

Looking at him I thought to myself "poor guy he must have to smile at times when he doesn't want to " lol

He is after all a real person , a man . We all are human and just as Cesar Millan may not always be happy and be capable of being grumpy as well . I had to realize I too had a time in my life and will continue to have periods where I am ignorant of the facts .

another great person who helps me not judge but have compassion is of course Mother Teresa . She helps me accept all people for who they are even those annoying weaknesses. In responding to ignorance , arrogance or other fearful reactions we need to watch ourselves that we in turn do not respond out of fear. In the end I may become the one responding in the same behaviour .

No , we must never respond out of fear . Reality is that is where ignorance , arrogance & anger breed . When we are subjected to ignorance if it is right there smack dab in front of your face how are we to respond ! First off take a step back ! Pray ! Then look at the situation for what it is truly . You will then see what is it that needs to be given . Ok once you see what needs to be given , take another step back ! Pray ! Then you will be shown how your response is to be given .

Sometimes we are just to respond in prayer , that's all . Sometimes people just are no where near ready to receive the tools or education . That is why patience and time are so important for us in God's work and plan .

So yes I was once again confronted with people within our church so fearful , really when it comes down to it the topic of sex , never mind the topic of child sexual abuse ! There is a whole group of people generation after generation who is under the false sense of viewing and a twisted distorted belief sex is sin . So that in itself prevents many from moving forward. Sex is not sin it is a gift part of a cycle etc. Sex like anger is not sinful behaviour .It is what we do with it that turns it into sin or not sinfulness . Sin is between God and ourselves remember if we feel someone is taking part in sinful behaviour it is not up to us to point it out . It is up to us to make our own choice are we going to partake in it or not . Remove yourself if that is what God is asking of you . If a person such as a child is involved do your part to remove them from the effects of that behaviour etc.

When the whole issue of abuse became more public ( because abuse has always existsed ) people wanted to hide because our church is suppoosed to be somehow holy , non sinful etc. Our church is not . Our church is a family made up of people , all of them sinners . Some of those sinners sexually abused children and some sinners also partook in hiding that abuse. We are all accountable for our own sinful behaviour in the end . Our church , the family of the catholic church needs change , ongoing conversion that we are all taught we need . No one is immune from needing conversion . How can we change , by being of open mind and that involves instead of judging , yes education !

My parents generation rarely talked of sex . It was taboo . Our church has got to own its part and responsibility in these effects and the outcome of how to respond to fix it .

I see the ignorance people have in regards to the false sense of hope and blindly believing the church & the professionals will take care of it . I cannot once again say how false this is . How we as individuals have got to take the steps to protect our children . It was in fact professionals who wrote the policies and still practice them in regards to hiding abusers etc.

Thinking the church will take care of it is the same as the false sense of security registries of predators give people . People begin to believe just because a program or registry is put in place their children are safe . Just because a church has a curriculum to supposedly deal with abuse does not mean children are safe ! Most predators will be and want to place themselves in those false places of trust . They absolutely want to work and help children ! Also most predators of children do not ever have an arrest or a conviction and will not be on a list ! Once again child predators do not have resumes . They are in absolutely all neighbourhoods , religious & educational institutions , all systems of justice 7 social services . They are your neighbours , church parishioners etc.

When I taught catechism I absolutely told the parents how they are their child's first teacher . They were allowed to attend any or all classes with their children and they did . Often I had parents learning right along with the child . Always there would be two of us in a class and if my friend did not make the class I asked another trusted parishioner or my ds or dh to come along . I also always made the priest aware of any of these changes etc. as well as parents .

If you are uncomfortable in regards to the topic of sex , appropriate touching etc. that will be discussed in the class approach the teacher to first review the material , also attend the class if need be . Also we all have opinion , we are allowed to have a difference of opinion do not be afraid to voice yours ;-) again you may be called to help educate .

If you feel in anyway aggressive and wish to push forward and have your way , step back ! I like to remind people God is God He does not need defending . He is defender ;-) I personally try to follow very pacifist defense and see aggression as a response to anger in a negative light . Again my opinion .

So in regards to protecting our children to clear ourselves of ignorance all we really need do is be open , this will bring acceptance , understanding & empathy . We will then be able to move forward and help in the best most positive response He gives us ;-)

Mother Teresa Quotes

Importance of Local Community

2010-02-12T09:58:00.001-08:00

Yes I honestly cannot stress enough the importance & role of community in regards to the topic of abuse ! Even within a huge metropolis the need for small community togetherness is crucial . I as usual feel that it is the utmost importance to educate ourselves and offer our services to our community . I feel people need to understand the need not to place trust on the issue of accreditation or certification or the title " professional " as we know the majority of those abusing children are placed in the supposed trustworthy positions and absolutely the majority of pedophiles we know are labeled " professional " I am a big big supporter of lay movement be it in education , medical system etc. I feel there is room for both and balance certainly needs to be instated within communities . Having the professionals deal with our issues and problems also is often where the problem stemmed from in the first place . When praying regarding our own community be healed this is the best example I have for it was the so called " professional system " which in deed invaded aboriginal culture in the form of residential schools imposing on European ways etc. This broke the culture , it then in turn made people feel they were less than , not capable and in order for anything to be achieved it had to be done with the help of others . We then had the issue of the " professionals " coming into our communities and on large scale removing aboriginal children from homes and placing them for adoption . The results of that were also just as residential schools , sheer devastation . Once again it took away power from the community . What I see now occurring is the result of people will not and do not rely on helping themselves . Believing they themselves are smart enough to self educate and in turn return to serve community . People rely on it can't be dealt with unless it is from an outside source such as police or social services etc.

We wait for political parties , policing groups to come and fix our problems ! We let outsiders decide the norm and form of education etc. We have learned to under value the elderly and kill our young with tv , video games and junk food. Why is it in the poorest neighbourhoods we have such high forms of unhealthy lifestyle etc. Food is to be good for us not kill us . There is also the fact that people are threatened with intelligent Indians or educated poor people . Yes people need us at times to be less then for them to have a job , a purpose and yes to feel important . The fact is it costs nothing to self educate , very little . I as a public citizen can receive a library card not only for public libraries but the universities as well . I have computer access etc. Often people just do not have the know how to reach out . Once taught the skills people thrive and grow .

My goal is to help spread self education , teach each other in our own communities to share knowledge we each have to give to each other . In order to keep our children safe it is great to go out and retrieve assistance , education etc. but in the end the more tight knit we are the more we can keep an eye on our children as well as those who wish to harm them . I love to turn to those who we have been given as wonderful examples to help us move on and continue our work within our own communities . These people like Oscar Romero , Mother Teresa and Martin Luther King jr. all knew and believed in the empowerment of local people . Being capable and able to care for each other . Open to receiving outside gifts but not relying on others to do our own work .

I am going to spend some time over this lent updating the links section in regards to books , blogs , articles etc. otherwise this is my sign off post for now . Shine On ~ amen

If you click on the pics they should take you to access further information

Oscar Romero

Nicholas Black Elk

Legend of Shing Shirt

Lakota , Dakota & Catholic community

triggers ,behaviours & responces

2010-02-12T07:03:00.000-08:00

Took me a few days to get back here . I've decided I am taking a break from our serious blogs over lent and focusing on family activities , etc. so the last two posts will be it for sometime . I am working with my dear friend to take as much training as possible in the area of child abuse protection & prevention . As an advocate in this area I feel it vital we continuously upgrade and update our education and information . I cannot believe how we have growen in knowledge over the last 20 yrs ! Even with our horrid experiences and exposure to predators these have become a positive in our lives for the fact we learned so much regarding behaviour , cycle of abuse , society etc.
I had two conversations over the last several weeks that really hit home on the topic of triggers , our behaviours & responses etc. I felt it may be valuable to some as it was for my child and friend I shared with .
The first lesson I can share with people is every single person on this planet learns from others . We as children learn our behaviours , how we react etc. very much from our primary caregivers . Triggers are for everyone on this planet .Not just people who have survived abuse . trigger is just something which makes a click within the brain to that of a certain memory , experience etc. triggers can be from both the good and bad . Everyone has them . weather the warm wind and sun on your face trigger the feeling , memory of a beautiful day on the beach or a certain aftershave reminds you of the man who abused you . Sometimes when we have still remained the victim we let triggers run our lives , our emotions , our responses , running , hiding , often addiction helps in the role .
It is absolutely not unusual for people who were raised in dysfunction to choose a partner who is also abusive . People marry their parents saying did not come from no where . So if you were blessed with a truly loving family that cycle will probably continue if you came from dysfunction it is only thru ourselves we can own & change those behaviours . Because the fact is it is ourselves that continue to pass on the dysfunctional behaviour we have learned .
To heal from this we are not called to carry guilt , to walk around feeling shame . We must seek the proper help etc.
I am a firm believer in self education , teaching others the tools to properly self help is a must . However addiction , abuse etc. does not go away all by itself and I do not know when it has happened when we are all by our lonesome ;-)
it is imperative families with alcoholism attend AA & Al anon in my opinion . We must be willing to be open to therapy and counsel to learn the whys of abuse and the hows to healing .
I know so many people who are so afraid of the issue mental illness . It is viewed as bad and if someone is mentally ill most of society holds the idea that if someone is mentally ill that they are somehow do be disregarded and their opinions are not valid . As a person who has many friends and family members who do have mental illness I know this to be the case . I also know people who fear having mental illness themselves they have never attended therapy because they fear they themselves may be mentally ill . Well if I am an addict , mentally ill etc. I want to know it ! That is why I love therapy . I grow each and every time I go . I have received so much . All the great and good counsellors , social workers , etc. that I know also receive counsel themselves . That is one of the best signs to knowing you may have chosen a helpful or a not so helpful therapist ,also keep in mind that not all therapists will click with you . If you do not feel the sessions are being of help , change , pray about it and move on to something new . I personally have known some therapists who have indeed needed people to remain victims in order for themselves to feel important and puffed up . I have also known alcoholics who used AA in order to have an excuse to be a victim choosing sponsors to enable them in their victim lifestyle . How many people choose an abusive partner , or a partner they saw as a mother or father figure ? One needs to ask why did one need a father or a mother role model in adult life ? I know many people who come from abuse also see agressive abusive behaviour as a sign of protection . Learning the difference between being positivly assertive , confident and agresive abusive bully is a must in order to heal . I can absoloutely not stand the line of someone saying they stayed with someone for the children ! using children as an excuse to stay with an abuser is fear and cowardly . I know one woman whose partner has addiction to porn and alcohol she pretends and the addictions festered and her children have been abused in emtional , sexual , physical ways . In the end it is up to us to work on our stuff . workshops , therapy , books , true real relationships are what will help us receive the tools to do the work ;-)
I will also say when we begin healing we will not only be asked to heal from the relationship of our abuse but most likely also those relationships we have formed with others. I personally had many harmful relationships . I had to end a few . Some that were harmful the others in the relationship also knew and were working on healing so we grow together acknowledging our roles and places etc. I found some friendships were indeed not at all only a cycle of manipulation and enabling and it is good for the mind , heart & soul they are over and done with ;-)
Pain hurts , acknowledge it . Be willing to grieve for yrs if you have to . pain does go away . It is the memory that doesn't . You may indeed have scars just as if we've had a physical wound such a bad cut or break . Our leg may heal but there will be a scar left to remind us , we learn , we teach , we share etc.
So on the issue of trigger and memory , dreams . This is what I have learned and share .
You are never alone . millions of people have been abused . My emotional , mental abuse was just as bad as the physical & sexual abuse . Abuse is abuse there will always be pain from it . So alone , no , never . Do others understand you , you bet they do . There are many many people who " get it " they know exactly that pain . we all react in our own way but many of us have responded the same behaviours with abuse .
My child asked me about the repressed memory . Some like my brother never did have repressed memory they just were to fearful to talk etc. but they always remembered . He just learned different ways to cover his pain and dealt with it different then I did . He suffered from addiction where I just went along playing pretend in a different way , usually in the form of saving other people . Some of us though did have repressed memory . I can honestly say the more you want to remember if the abuse happened the more it will stay away . The more you want to push and force it out the more our subconscious wants to suppress it .
Suppressed memory happens when usually as children , but also adults who have experienced extreme torture etc. can to , we cannot process the why it is happening . children cannot nor have the skills to analyze the why something so horrific is happening . So we find a way to cover the pain , to hide what is going on . Some people have out of body experience , some as I said take drugs , some of us , when it is over our mind said ok , that just did not happen . Especially if we are in such great fear . My father also used drugs and he also studied hypnosis so he may have used methods to mess with my memory as well . Why he chose to drug me and not my brother is a mystery I would only know if he chooses to heal himself .
I remember in ON. there is a case not to long ago of a priest who had abused many . One of the women had repressed memory until she had a trigger . Her children were going to receive first communion and confession . It all came back to her .It was and had been real ! She came forward and learned others were also abused .
I knew of my father abusing others and our won children long before I remembered my own abuse . However knowing then what he was then capable of I knew the chances he had also abused myself and sister were probably very real. I knew myself that I must have suffered abuse when I would look back on my childhood and remember how I played with other children . sex games with other children , doctor can very very often be signs of abuse . So I just knew to be open and if it were so God was going to know the when and why I was to remember . Often for people of abuse things like intercourse or pregnancy and birth can be triggers . So it is important to look at the why and what is going on with you during these times. I personally become very strong while pregnant , able to deal with and confront the very hard stuff . I believe it is that protective momma attitude we develop while pregnant that got me thru things . On the other hand I know my own brother went absolutely bonkers when they had their first child . He began taking cocaine again etc. This is so important that we deal with addiction and learn how we must react and respond when the hard and even bad stuff will come around , because get this it will . Throughout our lives the bad is always going to come along weather we heal or not . bad stuff exists . Is it not best we learn good positive coping skills then ? of course ;-) One of my first memories of the abuse was how the manipulation worked was my memory of the hand behind the door. My mind was still fearful of the face but I saw the hand . I remembered the experience . I was only 4yrs . Now I can say all my memories and triggers are good for me . I do not fear them . why ? because they help me see the truth to the situation . The bad experience or memory becomes empowering and ever so good and affirming , for me . So it is a must for me I have to be open to receive them .
The most reassuring affirming dream I had was that of when I was younger . My father had myself and two children , the neighbourhood children he always had me lure to our home . bouncing on the bed with him masturbating . we were playing mr. sticky . the older child a girl was standing by the bed she would not play . she knew already by her age it was not right and abuse . anyway I awoke sat upright in bed and blurted out " It wasn't my fault ! " I saw it for the very first time I got it ! I believed it . For yrs and yrs I knew intellectually it was not my fault but belief is very different . I saw the roles like in a movie . This is what healing is you see the memory but you are not reliving it . when you are still hurt and in pain from the abuse you relive and re in act the event over and over again . I saw the roles of both adult and children . I saw who made the choices , who was controlling , manipulating etc. We could have been any child it had absolutely nothing to do with us . It had everything to do with the adult in that scene ! That was it . Now my triggers do not bother me . Believe me that image of mr. sticky comes back almost every time I read the words mr. linky on blogs ;-) but it is my memory it just does not bother or upset me I see it for what it is . My response is mine and I own that . It is all very very positive stuff ! Another good experience and response I have learned is to help that inner child . That child is you as you were back then . I never used to like role playing but I love talking and visiting the me from then . I learned this from a wonderful therapist . It is ever so healing . The first time I cried so much , it was just so releasing . I can give and share with you just a small example of how this works . I almost always would sleep with my hand between my legs when sleeping . I prayed about this and the image that came to me was myself at about age of 10 yrs , in bed at night . I also had prayed about the why I did this action at night . I saw the why. So I went to me , that girl and said he will no longer come in your room and touch you there . You are safe . I knew I had been trying to protect myself even in my subconscious . As a child that was what I did to try and protect me from him . After that I have never since slept with my hand in that position . I know I am not in need of protection and I am safe .
My father abused every single person in his life pretty much .This was another thing I felt vital to let my children know . To not make or enable any of them to be a main victim as I had become . He abused patients , cousins , siblings , coworkers , his wife , children and grandchildren . He is an abusive person . He makes the choice and that is his behaviour . It has nothing to do with us it is who he is . It is a big big step to see we cannot control his behaviour just like we cannot control any ones . We can't decide who he will or will not abuse . He makes the choice .
Yes we have some responsibility to help others be safe . Yet we are not here to save anyone he is the one who needs to take the step to stop abusing children and adults alike .
I also should let those who follow know , where I am with my mother . Yes she still has much denial , she has much fear but the reason I can still see and work with her and not my father is . My mother is open to receiving help and change . She may not be able to own all her part or role in the cycle but she is open to understanding she has to take steps herself in order to help herself heal . She has and I see it in her actions and behaviours . One day she may be able to be strong enough to even approach the police . So that is the difference . If any of my abusers wished to heal and deal with their stuff I of course would wish to partake . However the last phone conversation I had with my father , he asked if he could meet with me . When I responded with " of course but I will be with people who I trust such as therapist , my dh , friend etc. " he thought I'd meet him alone me all alone with him and whom ever he felt fit to be there . I never heard back from him ;-) The example of how manipulating , controlling he is . That phone call was in response to me calling the police on him for watching my sisters children . after I spoke with her on the phone she hung up and immediately called him ! the abuser ! yes the cycle of abuse is very very twisted .
So all I can do is say to you there is such a great great hope to heal from abuse of any kind !
I urge you not to be afraid of the memory & triggers but to embrace it . Be willing to look at learned behaviours that need to be changed , learn new habits to replace addictions that are harmful to ourselves and our loved ones . There is a beautiful life and in fact if we truly look we will see we were given it along ;-)
peace in your heart always is my wish for you ~ amen